Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "All right, all right, all right, okay, what the hell am I...? This is quick-acting, but this is long-lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? And they always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open... This is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain. It's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing. Parts of him are on fire sometimes. Lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes, I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"

[stand-up:]
Jerry: All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter how important the arrangements are. I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket talking to her, "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some Tang?"

George: Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?
Jerry: I've never had a job.
George: You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.
Jerry: That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?
George: Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom, I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, "That used to be me. I want to go back there again."
Jerry: What are you gonna do?
George: I have no choice, I'm quitting.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to "do me a favor." Small favor, small pause. "Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil?" No pause at all. Big favors are, "Could you do me a favor..."

Woman: I wonder what happened to my fiance. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fiance?
Ellen: He's upstairs.
Woman: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiance I'm looking for him. I have lost my fiance, the poor baby.
Elaine: [Australian accent] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Woman: What?
Elaine: The dingo ate your baby!

Jerry: Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful.
Elaine: Six hundred and twenty million people died.
Jerry: Thousand.
Elaine: Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror.

George: There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? [each grab a box] You got propylparabin?
Jerry: Got it.
George: You got isobutane-30?
Jerry: I got isobutane-20.
George: A-ha.
Jerry: You got sorbitant sesquioliate?
George: Got it.
Jerry: I have aloe!
George: You got aloe? I love aloe.
Jerry: Where do they make yours?
George: Jersey.
Jerry: White Plains.
[George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry]

Security Guard: What's the problem here?
George: No problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's all.
Cashier: He's claiming short.
Security Guard: All right, let's just take it outside.
George: Oh, so you don't believe me either?
Security Guard: Come on, let's go.
George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. [chuckles] All right, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back.

Jerry: Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.
Elaine: How did I ever let you talk me into this? I must have been out of my mind.
Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.
Elaine: How old are you?
Jerry: Thirty-six. What's the signal? How about this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting.
Elaine: Whatever you want.