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‘The Stranded’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Stranded

310. The Stranded

Aired November 27, 1991

After George takes Jerry and Elaine to a party on Long Island, he leaves them stranded there after hooking up with a woman.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What could possess anyone to throw a party? I mean, to have a bunch of strangers treat your house like a hotel room.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I was in the drug store the other day, trying to get a cold medication. You ever try and pick one of these out? It's not easy. It's a wall. It's an entire wall of cold medication, you stand there, you're going, "All right, all right, all right, okay, what the hell am I...? This is quick-acting, but this is long-lasting. When do I need to feel good, now or later?" It's a tough question. And they always show you the commercials on TV where they show you what's wrong with the guy, you know? And they always show you, like, all the problems that he's having. First of all, the always show you the human body, which is usually this guy. No face, mouth open... This is how drug companies see the public. And he's always in, like, a certain pain. It's like red wavy lines are going through him or he's glowing. Parts of him are on fire sometimes. Lightning is attacking him. I never had a doctor say to me, "Are you having any pain?" "Yes, I am." "Are you having any lightning with the pain?"

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other ever in life. This is the male code. And it doesn't matter how important the arrangements are. I mean, most of the time when they scrub a space shuttle mission it's because one of the astronauts met someone on his way to the launch pad. They hold that countdown. He's leaning against the rocket talking to her, "So listen, when I get back what do you say we get together for some Tang?"

Quote from George

George: Have you ever dated a woman that worked in your office?
Jerry: I've never had a job.
George: You know the anxiety you feel on a date? That's what I have every day now. My worst nightmare's come true, every day is a date.
Jerry: That's one of Dante's nine stages of hell, isn't it?
George: Ava was one of the reasons I used to like going to work, she was a friend. Now we sleep together and suddenly, I don't know how to talk to her. Every time I go to the bathroom, I pass her desk. I have to plan little patter. I spend half my day writing. Then afterwards, I sit in my office and analyze how it went. If it was a good conversation, I don't go to the bathroom for the rest of the day. I see her laughing and talking with other people, they're all so loose and relaxed, I think, "That used to be me. I want to go back there again."
Jerry: What are you gonna do?
George: I have no choice, I'm quitting.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's two types of favors, the big favor and the small favor. You can measure the size of the favor by the pause that a person takes after they ask you to "do me a favor." Small favor, small pause. "Can you do me a favor, hand me that pencil?" No pause at all. Big favors are, "Could you do me a favor..."

Quote from Elaine

Woman: I wonder what happened to my fiance. I know he's here somewhere. Ellen? Have you seen my fiance?
Ellen: He's upstairs.
Woman: Are you going upstairs? Tell my fiance I'm looking for him. I have lost my fiance, the poor baby.
Elaine: [Australian accent] Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
Woman: What?
Elaine: The dingo ate your baby!

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Oh, you got the Civil War book. I saw some of that show, it was wonderful.
Elaine: Six hundred and twenty million people died.
Jerry: Thousand.
Elaine: Thousand. Six hundred and twenty thousand. The horror, the horror.

Quote from George

George: There's a hundred different things here. What's the difference between these two? [each grab a box] You got propylparabin?
Jerry: Got it.
George: You got isobutane-30?
Jerry: I got isobutane-20.
George: A-ha.
Jerry: You got sorbitant sesquioliate?
George: Got it.
Jerry: I have aloe!
George: You got aloe? I love aloe.
Jerry: Where do they make yours?
George: Jersey.
Jerry: White Plains.
[George puts down the "Jersey" box and grabs the "White Plains" box from Jerry]

Quote from George

Security Guard: What's the problem here?
George: No problem. There's no problem. She just owes me ten dollars, that's all.
Cashier: He's claiming short.
Security Guard: All right, let's just take it outside.
George: Oh, so you don't believe me either?
Security Guard: Come on, let's go.
George: You haven't won. You may think you've won, but you haven't won. Do you know why? It's not over. This is not over. I'm not forgetting what's happening here. You have my ten dollars. I will get it back. [chuckles] All right, don't worry. It's not over. I'm going now. Good bye. I will be back.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Yeah, this has got disaster written all over it.
Elaine: How did I ever let you talk me into this? I must have been out of my mind.
Jerry: Now listen, let's keep an eye on each other tonight. In case one of us gets in a bad conversation, we should have a signal that you're in trouble so the other one can get us out of it.
Elaine: How old are you?
Jerry: Thirty-six. What's the signal? How about this? Chicken wing? No, no, no, I got a better one. Head patting.
Elaine: Whatever you want.

Quote from Jerry

Man: You came all the way out from Manhattan for this?
Jerry: Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Man: So what do you do?
Jerry: [pats his head] I'm a comedian.
Man: Are you? Lemme ask you something. Where do you get your material?
Jerry: [still patting] I hear a voice.
Man: What kind of voice?
Jerry: A man's voice, but he speaks in German so I have to get a translator.
Man: How come you keep tapping your head.
Jerry: It's a nervous tic. I'm on L-Dopa.

Quote from George

George: I can't believe what's happening here. She hasn't taken her hands off me all night. She was always friendly around the office, but that was it.
Jerry: How do you account for this?
George: I don't know, maybe a safe fell on her head.
Jerry: Well, she obviously liked you all along.
George: No, I would have picked up on it. I can always tell when a woman likes me, they always somehow let you know. With me, they could torture me, I wouldn't tell them. If anything I'd try to make them think I don't like them, then they think, "Oh, look at this guy, he's not even looking at me, he must have something going for him, you know."

Quote from George

George: I don't like when a woman says, "Make love to me", it's intimidating. The last time a woman said that to me, I wound up apologizing to her.
Jerry: Really?
George: That's a lot of pressure. Make love to me. What am I, in the circus? What if I can't deliver?
Jerry: Oh, come on.
George: I can't perform under pressure. That's why I never play anything for money, I choke. I could choke tonight. And she works in my office, can you imagine? She goes around telling everyone what happened? Maybe I should cancel, I have a very bad feeling about this.
Jerry: George, you're thinking too much.
George: I know, I know, I can't stop it!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, how you doing?
Steve: Ah, look who's here.
Kramer: I'm sorry.
Jerry: Hey, it's okay.
Kramer: I had the directions on the seat right next to me. They flew out the window.
Elaine: Then how did you find the place?
Kramer: Well I knew the exit on the Long Island Expressway, and I thought that the address was 8713 Riviera Drive. Huh, huh, huh. So I drove around knocking on everybody's doors that had those numbers; 8317, 7813, 3718, 1837, who... Finally, I hit it. 8173.


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