George: [on the phone] This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. Why?! Why?! Why?! What? What? Negative is good? [cheers up] Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. [hangs up]

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here!"
Jerry: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here! Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this.
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

Elaine: Look, Russell, you're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television. And that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... Come on, Russell, you're part of the problem.
Russell: Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy.

Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?
George: What? I'm comfortable.
Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world, "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

Tom Pepper: What do you mean made up?
Jerry: It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.
Tom Pepper: You're crazy.
Jerry: No, I'm not. George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?
Michael: What do you mean Danish?
George: [to the guy next to him] This guy stinks.
Jerry: Danish. Is it from Denmark?
Michael: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danish-sounding name.
Tom Pepper: I can't believe that. They fooled me, Jerry.
Rita: [watching, to Jay] Boy, talk about a show about nothing.

George: What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.

Casting Director: What is this about?
Tom Pepper: Levels.
Casting Director: Levels?
Tom Pepper: Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building levels... with steps, completely carpeted... with pillows. [everyone laughs; he sits down] Like Ancient Egypt.
Casting Director: I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that?
Tom Pepper: Oh! I'll be comfortable. [laughter, applause]

Casting Director: This is Martin Van Nostrand.
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Casting Director: You two know each other?
Stu: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.
Kramer: That's true.

Kramer: Now, I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down. [to waitress] Yeah, Bran Flakes...100%. I got a big problem.
Tom Pepper: I'll have a hamburger. That's it.
Kramer: Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf.
Tom Pepper: This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you.
Kramer: You gotta play him like me. I'm Kramer.
Tom Pepper: I'm Kramer.
Kramer: Whoa, I'm Kramer.