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‘The Pilot’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pilot

423. The Pilot

Aired May 20, 1993

Jerry and George finally shoot a pilot for their sitcom at NBC. Meanwhile, Elaine is offended by the waitress hiring policy at Monks, and Kramer is backed up.

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] This is George Costanza, I'm calling for my test results. Negative? Oh, my God. Why?! Why?! Why?! What? What? Negative is good? [cheers up] Oh, yes of course! How stupid of me. Thank you. Thank you very much. [hangs up]

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They'll go: "Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo and a cream-colored couch." According to most studies, people's number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Quote from George

George: When I asked him if it was cancer, he didn't give me a "get outta here". That's what I wanted to hear: "Cancer? Get outta here!"
Jerry: Well, maybe he doesn't have a "get outta here" kind of personality.
George: How could you be a doctor and not say "get outta here"? It should be part of the training at medical school: "Cancer? Get outta here! Go home! What are you crazy? It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut. You know that?" I told you that God would never let me be successful. I never should've written that pilot. Now the show will be a big hit, we'll make millions of dollars, and I'll be dead. Dead Jerry. Because of this.
Jerry: Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
George: No, I can't. I can't die with dignity. I have no dignity. I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity. I live my whole life in shame. Why should I die with dignity?

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Look, Russell, you're a very sweet guy. But I got to be honest with you. I don't like television. And that's your world. That's your life. I mean maybe if you were in... I don't know... Greenpeace or something, that would be different, but network television... Come on, Russell, you're part of the problem.
Russell: Oh Elaine, we're doing some really very interesting things right now. We've got some very exciting pilots for next season. We have one with a bright young comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've heard of him. He's that "Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Again with the sweat pants?
George: What? I'm comfortable.
Jerry: You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweat pants? You're telling the world, "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."

Quote from Jerry

Tom Pepper: What do you mean made up?
Jerry: It's made up. Haagen-Dazs is made up. It's not Danish.
Tom Pepper: You're crazy.
Jerry: No, I'm not. George. Is Haagen-Dazs Danish?
Michael: What do you mean Danish?
George: [to the guy next to him] This guy stinks.
Jerry: Danish. Is it from Denmark?
Michael: No, they make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danish-sounding name.
Tom Pepper: I can't believe that. They fooled me, Jerry.
Rita: [watching, to Jay] Boy, talk about a show about nothing.

Quote from George

George: What about me? I was a total failure. Everything was fine. Now this thing's gonna be a success and God's gonna give me a terminal disease.

Quote from Kramer

Casting Director: What is this about?
Tom Pepper: Levels.
Casting Director: Levels?
Tom Pepper: Yeah. I'm getting rid of all, all my furniture. All of it! I'm building levels... with steps, completely carpeted... with pillows. [everyone laughs; he sits down] Like Ancient Egypt.
Casting Director: I don't know how you're gonna be comfortable like that?
Tom Pepper: Oh! I'll be comfortable. [laughter, applause]

Quote from Kramer

Casting Director: This is Martin Van Nostrand.
Jerry: What are you doing here?
Casting Director: You two know each other?
Stu: Wait a minute, I know you. You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.
Kramer: That's true.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Now, I like to eat spaghetti with just a fork. Because I can keep the strands long, and I can slurp it out to my mouth. Like this look. Now sex, I like the bottom. Let them do all the work. You should be writing this stuff down. [to waitress] Yeah, Bran Flakes...100%. I got a big problem.
Tom Pepper: I'll have a hamburger. That's it.
Kramer: Yeah, that's good. Oh, now I like to play golf.
Tom Pepper: This stuff doesn't matter to me. See, I'm gonna do the character like me, not like you.
Kramer: You gotta play him like me. I'm Kramer.
Tom Pepper: I'm Kramer.
Kramer: Whoa, I'm Kramer.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Any luck?
Kramer: No. No, nothing. I got no... peristalsis.
Jerry: What about bran?
Kramer: I tried bran. 40%, 50%, 100%. The bran isn't working for me.
Jerry: What about Meta-
Kramer: Did it.
Jerry: How about Ex-
Kramer: Yeah, had it.
George: Milk of magne-
Kramer: Yeah, yeah.
Jerry: Well, my friend. It may be time to consider the dreaded apparatus.
Kramer: Pfft! Hold it right there. If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, you're wasting your time. I am not, Jerry, under any circumstances, doing any... inserting in that area.
Jerry: Oh, it's not that bad!
George: Yes, it is.

Quote from Jerry

[montage of people watching "Jerry" on TV:]
Susan & Allison: [both] George!
[cut]
Sid: What kind of stupid show is this? Hey! It's that idiot that took all my records! [the housekeeper laughs]
[cut]
Marla: John, what are you doing? Come back to bed.
John: [Boston accent] This show looks interesting. Isn't he that Seinfeld fellow you went out with?
Marla: Ooh, he's horrible! Horrible!
John: Nevertheless...
[cut]
The Drake: Ah, that Jerry's a funny guy. Huh? Got to love the Sein!
The Drakette: Hate the Sein!
[cut to Ping and Cheryl talking in Mandarin]
[cut to Donald, the Bubble Boy, watching with his parents:]
Donald: [o.s.] This is a piece of crap!
Mrs. Sanger: Donald, you used to like him.
Donald: What a sellout! Give me that remote!
Mel Sanger: No, Donald.

Quote from Jerry

[montage of people watching "Jerry" on TV:]
Morty Seinfeld: That's terrific!
Helen Seinfeld: How could anyone not like him?
[cut:]
Calvin Klein: I like his style. He has a sort of casual elegance.
Tia: But he picks his nose.
Calvin Klein: Nevertheless...
[cut:]
Sal Bass: He's a member of our health club. Isn't he?
Sidra: Yeah...
Sal Bass: You know that Kim Novak has some big breasts?
[cut to Newman snoring as baseball game plays on his TV]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Now, I know women often complain about the number of things you have to do to get male attention. The high heels, the pantyhose, the make-up. But let me tell you, it's even worse if you're a man. Because if you're a man, you don't know what to do. That's why we're building bridges, climbing mountains, exploring uncharted territories. You think we want to do these things? Nobody wants to build a bridge. It's really, really hard. Designing rockets, flying off into space. I guarantee you, every astronaut when he comes back from space, goes up to a girl and goes, "So, did you see me up there?"


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