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‘The Apartment’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Apartment

205. The Apartment

Aired April 4, 1991

Jerry comes to regret telling Elaine that the apartment above his is available. Meanwhile, George does a sociological experiment to see how women respond to married men.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: Oh, look, maybe she won't take it. I mean, she did say that she was going to think about it.
Jerry: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.
Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Kramer: Because I'm a pod?

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Quote from George

Jerry: All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.
George: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole life is a sham!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps coming in and coming in. Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday night. It's Klingon boxing, gotta be there.

Quote from George

Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!
Roxanne: [yells out the window] You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee, and in that second, ruined my life.
George: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You got me an apartment in the building?!
Jerry: I got you an apartment in the building.
Elaine: How did you-
Jerry: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: She died.
Elaine: [thrilled] She died?!
Jerry: She died.
Elaine: She died!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month!
Elaine: Get out! [pushes Jerry] Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?!
Jerry: Four hundred a month.
Elaine: And I'll be right upstairs?
Jerry: Right upstairs.
Elaine: Right above you?
Jerry: Right above me.
Elaine: Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time!
Jerry: All the time.
Elaine: We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great!
Jerry: All the time.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?" "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. That's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!"

Quote from George

Jerry: 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
George: Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Jerry: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
George: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
Jerry: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage!
George: Of course, we all do.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?
George: Tough.
Jerry: You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building, and she loves a good shower.
George: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
Jerry: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.
George: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.

Quote from George

George: Remember my friend Adam from Detroit?
Jerry: Yeah, the guy with the flat head?
George: He's a cube. Anyway, he got married six months ago. He told me ever since he's been wearing a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere he goes.
Jerry: Yeah, I've heard that about wedding bands.
George: I wonder if that's really true.
Jerry: That would be an interesting sociological experiment. You know, Kramer has his father's band. He'd loan it to you.

Quote from Kramer

George: Thanks a lot. I"ll give it back to you in a week.
Kramer: You know, I don't even know why you're fooling around with this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a piece.
George: I'm not doing that.
Kramer: Oh, man. You know, you're crazy. You're a good looking guy. What do you want to walk around like that for?
George: No, I'll put half a can of mousse in my head like you.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic, sequence of meaningless events, but I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things.
George: What happened to you?
Jerry: Religion, my friend, that's what happened to me. Because, I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of five thousand dollars to get the apartment upstairs.
George: Five thousand dollars? She doesn't have five thousand dollars!
Jerry: Of course she doesn't have five thousand dollars!
George: So, she can't get the apartment.
Jerry: Can't get it.
George: So, she doesn't move in.
Jerry: No move. So, you see, it's all part of a divine plan.
George: And how does the baldness fit into that plan?

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Well.. there's a little bit of a problem.
Elaine: Oh, I know. There's a weak shower spray, I know. And I've already thought about it, and I'm switching to baths. As Winston Churchill said, "Why stand when you can sit?" Maybe I'll get some rubber duckies.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Well, better load up on some carbos before the race.
Roxanne: Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it?
Jerry: Oh, yes. Particularly if your not in it.
Roxanne: I wish we had a view of the finish line.
Jerry: What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya, and twenty thousand losers.

Quote from George

Janice: I've never been able to be with just one person. I can, however, carry on strictly physical relationships which can last for years and years. It's a shame you're married.
George: [frantically tries to remove the ring off] I'm not. It's just a sociological experiment!
Janice: Please. [walks away]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't know. What do you do when a neighbor is making, like, a lot of noise at three o' clock in the morning? I mean, can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image, I mean, what am I? Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee. There's a lot of shushing going on in movie theaters. People are always shushing. Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh. Doesn't work, 'cause nobody knows where a shush is coming from. They just hear a Shh. "Was that a shush? I think somebody just shushed me." Some people you can't shush in a movie theater. There's always that certain group of people, isn't it. They're talking and talking, and everyone around them is shushing them, and shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.


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