Kramer: Oh, look, maybe she won't take it. I mean, she did say that she was going to think about it.
Jerry: People don't turn down money! It's what separates us from the animals.
Kramer: I still don't understand what the problem is having her in the building.
Jerry: Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy, I love you, but you're a pod. I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. You wouldn't understand.
Kramer: Because I'm a pod?

Jerry: All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.
George: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole life is a sham!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Well, I painted my apartment again. I've been living in this apartment for years and years, and every time I paint it, it kinda gets me down. I look around, and I think, well, it's a little bit smaller now. You know, I realize it's just the thickness of the paint, but I'm aware of it. It keeps coming in and coming in. Every time I paint it, it's closer and closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I just look for like a lump with two slots in it. Kinda looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in. My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. You know what I mean? Big chair, nice screen, remote control. That's why Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurling through space in your living room, watching TV. That's why all the aliens were always dropping in, because Kirk was the only one that had a big screen. They came over Friday night. It's Klingon boxing, gotta be there.

Jerry: You have no idea what an idiot is. Elaine just gave me a chance to get out and I didn't take it. This is an idiot.
George: Is that right? I just threw away a lifetime of guilt-free sex and floor seats for ever sporting event in Madison Square Garden. So please, a little respect. For I am Costanza. Lord of the Idiots!
Roxanne: [yells out the window] You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender has emerged.

Jerry: My censoring system broke down. You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? Makes sure you don't make a mistake? He went for a cup of coffee, and in that second, ruined my life.
George: My censor quit two years ago. He checked into a clinic. Emotionally exhausted.

Elaine: You got me an apartment in the building?!
Jerry: I got you an apartment in the building.
Elaine: How did you-
Jerry: Remember Mrs. Hudwalker? The ninety-four-year-old woman who lived above me?
Elaine: No.
Jerry: She died.
Elaine: [thrilled] She died?!
Jerry: She died.
Elaine: She died!

Jerry: And the rent is only four hundred dollars a month!
Elaine: Get out! [pushes Jerry] Four hundred a month? Only four hundred a month?!
Jerry: Four hundred a month.
Elaine: And I'll be right upstairs?
Jerry: Right upstairs.
Elaine: Right above you?
Jerry: Right above me.
Elaine: Oh, we're neighbors. I'll be here all the time!
Jerry: All the time.
Elaine: We can exchange keys so we can come in and out. Oh, this is going to be great!
Jerry: All the time.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The problem with talking is that nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing. I think life would be a lot better if it was like you're always making a movie. You mess up, somebody just walks on the set, and stops the whole shot. You know what I mean? Think of the things you wish you could take back. You're out somewhere with people, "Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?" "Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. That's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door, and come back in. Let's take this whole scene again. People, think about what you're saying!"

Jerry: 'Cause I'm an idiot! You may think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you are.
George: Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Jerry: Did you ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building?
George: Did you ever go to a singles weekend in the Poconos?
Jerry: She's right in my building! Right above me! Every time I come in the building, I'm gonna have to sneak around like a cat burglar.
George: You're doomed. You're gonna have to have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be like a permanent road trip. Forget about the home bed advantage.
Jerry: But I need the home bed advantage!
George: Of course, we all do.

Jerry: So, is there any way out of this Elaine thing?
George: Tough.
Jerry: You know, the water pressure's terrible in my building, and she loves a good shower.
George: I don't think anyone's turned down an apartment because of a weak shower spray.
Jerry: If they were fanatic about showers, they might.
George: For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.