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‘The Pledge Drive’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Pledge Drive

603. The Pledge Drive

Aired October 6, 1994

Elaine notices her boss, Mr. Pitt, eating a Snickers bar with a knife and fork. Jerry agrees to do a PBS pledge drive. George is convinced a waitress gave him the finger. Kramer talks Jerry in to cashing a pile of old birthday checks from his grandmother.

Quote from Elaine

Waitress: [to a woman at the next table] Here's your knife and fork.
Jerry: Look, she's cutting up an Almond Joy.
Elaine: I just don't get it.
Jerry: You know, I saw someone on the street eating M&Ms with a spoon.
Elaine: What is wrong with everybody?
Jerry: Look, they're doing it. They're all doing it!
Elaine: What is wrong with all you people?! Have you all gone mad?!

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Quote from George

George: So, what do you think?
Mr. Morgan: A PBS fundraiser? I'm not gonna waste any of the players' time with that, besides the team already does so much promotion for Channel 11.
George: Channel 11? Forgive me for trying to class up this place, for trying to have the Yankees reach another strata of society that might not watch Channel 11.
[George starts to eat a Snickers candy bar with knife and fork]
Mr. Morgan: Uh, what the hell are you doing?
George: I am eating my dessert. How do you eat it, with your hands?
Mr. Morgan: You know, maybe George has something here about PBS.

Quote from Uncle Leo

Kramer: Jerry? I have an announcement. Your grandmother is on the line.
Jerry: My Nana?
Kramer: And as we speak, she's generously writing PBS a check for fifteen hundred dollars!
[As everyone applauds, Uncle Leo rushes the stage]
Uncle Leo: She can't do that. She's on a very fixed income. Stop the show!

Quote from Elaine

Mr. Pitt: Who was crying?
Elaine: No one. I'm sorry Mr. Pitt, that won't happen again.
Mr. Pitt: I'm sure it won't, but someone was crying and I want to know who it was.
[Mr. Pitt unwraps a Snickers bar and starts eating it with a knife and fork]
Elaine: Well, it's a long story, okay? But my stupid friend Jerry told my other friend Noreen that she was... [notices Mr. Pitt eating the Snickers bar with knife and fork] You know, hitting on him and so I called her to see what was, uh, going on and I accidentally got her boyfriend, who is this, you know...

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: New cards, huh?
Jerry: No, they're old cards from my grandmother.
Kramer: Oh. Well, I'll tell you, a nice greeting card can really lift a person's spirits.
Jerry: Yeah.
Kramer: Ooh, a check.
Jerry: Yeah, she puts ten dollars in every card for my birthday. That's why I save them.
Kramer: Wait. There's a check in all these? Why don't you cash them?
Jerry: I don't know. It's ten dollars.
Kramer: But you got a whole pile here. 1987?
Jerry: Oh, so what?
Kramer: Jerry, your grandmother gave you this gift. She wants you to spend the money, to have the fun that she can't have. Oh, this is tantamount to a slap in the face.
Jerry: Oh, get out of here.
Kramer: Jerry, a gift not enjoyed is like a flower that doesn't blossom.

Quote from George

Elaine: Hey, you wanna hear something weird? Mr. Pitt eats his Snickers bars with a knife and fork.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah.
Jerry: Why does he do that?
George: He probably doesn't want to get chocolate on his fingers. That's the way these society types eat their candy bars.
Jerry: Oh, you know?
George: What, you think I eat all my meals with you?

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Well, I cashed the checks, the checks bounced and now my Nana's missing!
Kramer: Well, don't look at me.
Jerry: It's your fault!
Kramer: My fault? Your Nana is missing because she's been passing those bum checks all over town and she finally pissed off the wrong people.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Who's Kristin?
Jerry: She works for PBS, I met her when I agreed to do that pledge drive.
Kramer: Did you ask her about me?
Jerry: Yeah, in fact she said that you could be one of those people that sits in the back and answers the phone.
Kramer: Giddy-up! All, right! So now, how does that work? Now, what, I get a percentage of every pledge I bring in, right?
Jerry: No. It's not aluminum siding, it's volunteer work. All the money goes to the station.
Kramer: Okay, yeah. All right, that sounds good, but I still get a tote bag though, right?
Jerry: Yeah, and one of those foam beer can holders.

Quote from George

Jerry: It was a "thank you" card from Kristin because I'm doing the PBS drive. I mean, how long am I supposed to keep it?
George: The rule is a minimum of two days.
Jerry: You making that up, or do you know what you're talking about?
George: I'm making it up.
Jerry: I mean, really, what's the point of saving it? I could see if I had a mantel.
George: Oh, well, a mantel's a whole different story.
Jerry: Absolutely.
George: If my parents had a mantel, I might be a completely different person.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: [to the waitress] Excuse me, sweetheart? I think you may have overcharged us. What is this?
Waitress: That's the extra toast. Get it?
George: Got it. [the waitress walks away] Did you just see what happened here?
Elaine: What?
George: Did you see the way she pointed at the check? She gave me the finger.
Jerry: That's how waitress types express derision. They don't want to get their mouths dirty.

Quote from George

George: Hey, when you order from the waitress, get her to point to the menu. I want to see what finger she uses.
Jerry: Uh, say, I wanted a side order of fruit but I didn't see it on the men
Waitress: Oh, you're getting it. [points to menu with her index finger] It comes with your breakfast special.
Jerry: Right you are.
George: I didn't get the special, but I'd also like the fresh fruit too.
Waitress: [scratches her cheek with her middle finger] I'll check.
George: I don't believe it, she did it again!
Jerry: Oh, she had an itch.
George: She had an itch. She could have used any one of those fingers. That finger was meant for me.
Kramer: [laughs] Yeah, she knew what she was doing.

Quote from Elaine

Noreen: So, Jerry thought I was flirting with him?
Elaine: Yeah.
Noreen: [cuts a cookie with a knife and fork] Hm. He's kind of a baritone, isn't he?
Elaine: What are you doing?
Noreen: I'm eating this cookie.
Elaine: No, no, no. But why are you using a knife and a fork? Did you just think of that?
Noreen: No, I've seen people do it. I like it.

Quote from George

George: No one gives us the finger! We're Yankees!
Danny Tartabull: Want this last donut?
George: No, you can have it.
[Danny Tartabull begins to eat the donut with a knife and fork]

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Jerry, where are all the tote bags?
Jerry: I don't know.
Kramer: Well, I'm not leaving the premises without tote bags. I was promised tote bags and tote bags I shall have.

Quote from Kramer

Dan: Jerry in there?
Kramer: Well, he can't be disturbed now.
Dan: Well this situation is driving me crazy. He's all I think about. I can't get him out of my mind.
Kramer: I'm sorry. I mean, I know what it's like to be in love. Ties you up in knots. And Jerry is a very sexy man.
Dan: What?
Kramer: Look, I'm not judging you. In fact, we here at PBS, we have many programs celebrating your lifestyle. Armistead Maupin's Tales of the City, gender-bending and swinging in San Francisco, before Stonewall about those dark ages when you couldn't come out of the closet, lest you be persecuted because of your, you know.
Dan: No, I don't.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: [answers phone] PBS pledge drive.
Nana: Hello, I'd like to speak with Jerry.
Kramer: Oh, you again. Buddy, look, forget about Jerry. It's not gonna happen.
Nana: This is his grandmother.
Kramer: Oh, uh, Nana. Hello.
Nana: Tell Jerry I'm sorry, I'm going to have to write him some new checks.
Kramer: As long as you've got your checkbook out, how about forking a little over to PBS? You watch the station, don't you? You don't want to be a freeloader.


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