TV Quotes

Tim Whatley: Father Curtis told me about your little joke.
Jerry: What about all your Jewish jokes?
Tim Whatley: I'm Jewish. You're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.
Jerry: The Jews?
Tim Whatley: No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?
Jerry: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

Jerry: And then he asked the assistant for a shtickl of fluoride.
Elaine: Why are you so concerned about this?
Jerry: I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes.

Jerry: So you won't believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
Kramer: Those people? Listen to yourself.
Jerry: What?
Kramer: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else in search of a dream.
Jerry: Whatley's from Jersey.
Kramer: Yes, and now he's a full-fledged American.
Jerry: Kramer, he's just a dentist.
Kramer: Yeah, and you're an anti-dentite.
Jerry: I am not an anti-dentite!
Kramer: You're a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. "Hey, denty!" Next thing you know, you're saying they should have their own schools.
Jerry: They do have their own schools!
Kramer: Yeah!

Tim Whatley: All right, it is cavity time. Ah, here we go. Which reminds me, did you here the one about the rabbi and the farmer's daughter? Huh?
Jerry: Hey.
Tim Whatley: "Those aren't matzo balls."
Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that?
Tim Whatley: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember?
Jerry: I know, but...
Tim Whatley: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3,000 years.
Jerry: 5,000.
Tim Whatley: 5,000. Even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a shtickl of fluoride.

Marcy: You know, a friend of mine thought she got Legionnaire's disease in the hot tub.
George: Really? What happened?
Marcy: Oh, yada yada yada, just some bad egg salad. I'll be right back. [walks away]
Jerry: I noticed she's big on the phrase, "yada yada."
George: Is "yada yada" bad?
Jerry: No, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct.
George: She is succinct.
Jerry: Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today.

George: Listen to this. Marcy comes over and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada, yada, yada, I'm really tired today."
Jerry: What do you think she was tired from?
George: Well, obviously the yada yada. You don't think she yada yada'd sex.
Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada, yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.

Marcy: So I'm on 3rd Avenue, minding my own business, and, yada yada yada, I get a free massage and a facial.
George: What a succinct story.
Marcy: I'm surprised you drive a Cadillac.
George: Oh, it's not mine. It's my mother's.
Marcy: Oh. Are you close with your parents?
George: Well, they gave birth to me, and yada, yada...
Marcy: Yada what?
George: Yada, yada, yada.

Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes.
Elaine: So what? When someone turns twenty-one, they usually get drunk the first night.
Jerry: Booze is not a religion.
Elaine: Tell that to my father.

Jerry: Excuse me, Mother?
Nun: Sister.
Jerry: Sister, right. Do you know when Father Curtis has office hours?
Nun: Well, not until tomorrow.
Jerry: Hmm, I really need to speak with him.

Jerry: [at the urinal] Okay, you're on a desert island. You can bring five books. Which five do you take?
George: I gotta read five books?
Jerry: All right, one. Come on.
George: I got it. Three Musketeers.
Jerry: You've read that?
George: No, I'm saving it for the island.
Jerry: All right, let's start this whole thing over. Best Chamberlain: Wilt, Richard, or Neville?
George: For the desert island?
Jerry: Okay.
George: Richard.
Jerry: You know, he was in The Three Musketeers.
George: Exactly. Save me having to read the book.
Jerry: What's going on over there?
George: I don't know. I got to see somebody.