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‘The Secret Code’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Secret Code

707. The Secret Code

Aired November 16, 1995

George is reluctant to tell Susan his ATM code. Elaine leaves Jerry and George to have dinner with her boss, J. Peterman, so she can meet a guy who didn't remember her.

Quote from George

Jerry: Oh, my God. Look at this.
George: Hm?
Jerry: It's the new J. Peterman catalog. Look.
George: "The Rogue's Wallet. It's where he kept his card, his dirty little secret. Short, devious, balding, his name was Costanza. He killed my mother."

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Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: You know, George, growing up as a boy in Costa Rica, I heard a rumor that mama had taken a lover. Perhaps Bosco was this man's name.

Quote from George

George: Where are we gonna eat?
Jerry: We're gonna meet Elaine and Peterman at the Chinese place.
George: Peterman? Nobody mentioned anything about Peterman.
Jerry: Of course not. If I did would you have gone?
George: No way.
Jerry: There you go.
George: I don't even know Peterman. How the hell am I gonna relax? I'm gonna have to be on all night. I don't like being on, Jerry. I would much rather be off.
Jerry: Trust me, you're off.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: And there, tucked into the river's bend was the object of my search. The Guangia River Market. Fabrics and spices traded under a starlit sky. It was there that I discovered the Pamplona Beret. Sizes seven-and-a-half through eight-and-three-quarters. Price, $35.
George: How about sports? Do you follow sports?

Quote from George

George: [to Mrs. Peterman] Hi. I really should be getting back to my fiance. You know, we, uh, we had this big fight yesterday and, uh, well she, she wants to-to know my secret code. I-I don't know, I can't tell her. The funny thing is, you know, I would really love to tell someone 'cause it's killing me. You, uh, you wanna know what it is? It's Bosco. You know, the chocolate syrup? I love that stuff, I pour it in milk, it's my favorite drink. Hoo-hoo, boy, that is a relief!
Mrs. Peterman: [faintly] Bosco. Bosco.
George: Oh, shh.
Mrs. Peterman: [sitting up] Bosco!
J. Peterman: Mama?
George: Quiet, quiet! It's a secret.
Mrs. Peterman: Bosco! Bosco! Bosco!
George: Shut up! Shut up!
J. Peterman: [runs in] Mama! What are you trying to say?
Mrs. Peterman: Bosco.
[Mrs. Peterman falls back in bed and closes her eyes]
J. Peterman: She's gone. Bosco? [George shrugs]

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.
George: Pssh. Yeah. Right.
Kramer: Oh, all right. Yeah. Uh, let's see. Um, well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. All right, let's go deeper. Uh, what kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless. A man of temptations. But what tempts you?
George: Huh?
Kramer: You're a portly fellow, a little long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No, no, no, no, no, yours is a sweet tooth.
George: Get out of here.
Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master, the cocoa bean.
George: I'm leaving.
Kramer: No, and only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you!
George: I gotta go.
Kramer: If you could you'd guzzle it by the gallon! Ovaltine! Hershey's!
George: Shut up!
Kramer: Nestle's Quik!
George: Shut up!

Quote from Susan Ross

Susan Ross: Hi. Here's your cash, George.
George: Hm. Thanks.
Susan Ross: And here's your card back. Anyone for Bosco?

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: They really got us trained to use that cash machine now, don't they? We're just like chickens in an experiment waiting for that pellet to come down the chute. You see people at the cash machine; they're just there. Just... They're waiting for the sound, you know the sound, you're waiting for the sound. That's what we're trained to hear, the here comes the money sound, you know? It's exciting, don't you get excited? "It's coming! It's coming! They're giving me money!"

Quote from George

Jerry: So why didn't you tell her the code?
George: No. No way.
Jerry: George, you're gonna marry this woman. Most likely.
George: It says very clearly, "For your protection, do not give your secret code to anyone."
Jerry: So you're taking relationship advice from Chemical Bank now?
George: Why does everything have to be "us"? Is there no "me" left? Why can't there be some things just for me? Is that so selfish?
Jerry: Actually, that's the definition of selfish.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: I'm gonna do some TV spots for Leapin' Larry's Appliance Store. That was Leapin' Larry himself, I'm gonna meet with him tomorrow.
Kramer: Leapin' Larry! Yeah, that's where I bought this.
Jerry: What is that?
Kramer: Well, it's an emergency-band scanner, it picks up everything: Fires, harbor patrol, even the police. I'm watching the watchers, Jerry. [listens] Uh-oh, we got a big fire on 115th. God, I tell you if could do it over again, I'd give it all up to be a fireman.
Jerry: Yeah, those civil servants who risk their lives really got it made.
Kramer: When I was a kid, all I ever dreamed of was steering the back of that big hook and ladder.
Jerry: You're lucky they let you drive a car.
Kramer: No, no, no. They're talking the West Side Highway, at this time of day that's insane. They're heading straight into gridlock. Oh, those fools. [runs out]

Quote from George

Susan Ross: I want you to tell me, George.
George: Why? Why is my code so important?
Susan Ross: Because, it's part of our relationship. It's an indication of trust. We're not supposed to keep secrets from one another.
George: Well, I'm sure you have secrets from me. I don't know anything about your cycles.
Susan Ross: My cycles?
George: Yeah, I never know what's going on there.
Susan Ross: Well, from now on I'll keep you apprised of my cycles.
George: Please.
Susan Ross: Anything else?
George: We're out of Bosco!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Boy, look at that. See, that's that fire I was listening to yesterday.
Jerry: Wow, the whole building burned down.
Kramer: They just don't know what street to take. You remember that time I got us to Yankee Stadium in rush hour in fifteen minutes?
Jerry: Of course.
Kramer: It's all up here, Jerry. All up here. It's innate.
Jerry: The amazing thing is you never have any place to go.

Quote from George

Jerry: All right, you're locked up in a prison in Turkey, I have your wallet. The only way I can bribe the guards to get you out is for you to give me your ATM code.
George: Call the Embassy.
Jerry: They're closed.
George: Why?
Jerry: Bomb threat.
George: We're in Turkey?
Jerry: Midnight Express, my friend.
George: My card won't work there. They're not on the PLUS system.

Quote from George

J. Peterman: You must be Jerry Seinfeld.
Jerry: Yes, hi, Mr. Peterman. This is, uh, George Costanza.
J. Peterman: J. Peterman.
George: [grabs lapels] J. Crew.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Ah, Fong has been most accommodating. Shall we?
Jerry: Actually, you know, I just remembered I promised this comedy club that I'd do a set tonight, so, terribly sorry.
J. Peterman: I understand. No hard feelings. George and I will miss your company. Fong? It will just be two this evening. George, we dine.

Quote from J. Peterman

George: You know, this is very nice, but I really could take a cab. Really.
J. Peterman: Ha ha, nonsense, George. Besides, it gives me a chance to tell you about my latest trip to Burma, where I discovered a very unusual corduroy. [answers car phone] Peterman here. What? Oh no. All right, I'll be right there. [to George] It's my mother. She's at death's door.
George: What?
J. Peterman: I just pray to God we can make it there in time.
[As Peterman makes a swift U-turn, George's face is slammed up against the passenger window]

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Doctor, how is she?
Doctor: She's too weak to talk, but she'll be happy to hear your voice.
J. Peterman: Mama, it's me. Jacopo. I'm here for you, Mama.
[Peterman's mother looks over at George]
George: I'm, uh, George Costanza. I was having dinner with your son. [waves]

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Shake off the dew, my friend.
George: Oh, man. What time is it?
J. Peterman: It's morning. Thanks for seeing me through the night. I'll make us a pot of coffee, George. Watch her, won't you?
George: Who?
J. Peterman: Mama. Just talk to her, George. The doctor seems to think it helps.

Quote from George

George: You know, this whole thing never would have happened if you hadn't bailed out on me at the restaurant.
Jerry: I did not bail out on you.
George: Well, why couldn't you include me in your excuse?
Jerry: Why didn't you come up with your own?
George: I froze. I think I'm losing it.
Jerry: Ah, come on. Maybe you're just in a slump?
George: No, no. I reached down and there was nothing there.

Quote from Jerry

Kramer: Hey, you wanna come down the fire station with me?
Jerry: Fire station?
Kramer: Yeah, I made a map of my shortcuts. I'm gonna rock their world!
Jerry: Nah, I gotta go down to Leapin' Larry's.
Kramer: Oh, so he took you back.
Jerry: Yeah, we straightened it out, all is forgiven.
Kramer: Well, you know the important thing is that you learned something.
Jerry: No, I didn't.

Quote from Kramer

Captain: Well, Mr. Kramer, your list of short cuts is most impressive.
Kramer: Yeah, and this is just the Upper West Side. Wait until I get to the Village, then you're gonna see a magic show.
Captain: Mr. Kramer, just about every week some brash young hothead like yourself saunters in here talking about faster routes and snazzier colors for the trucks. The fact is, we feel things are fine the way they are.

Quote from J. Peterman

J. Peterman: Look, there's a man in there. Get out of there, you're in danger!
Man: But my sleeve, it's stuck in the machine, it ate my card!
J. Peterman: George, give me your ATM card!
George: I don't have my ATM card.
J. Peterman: George, you're obviously lying. Anyone can see that! [takes George's card] It's jammed! I'll slide it under the door.
Man: Now give me your code!
George: What?! Why?
Man: The machine won't open without the code!
J. Peterman: George, give him your code!
George: But I-I-I-
J. Peterman: George, there's no time! Tell him your code! Shout out your code, man!
Man: The code! The code!


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