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‘The Lip Reader’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Lip Reader

506. The Lip Reader

Aired October 28, 1993

When George and Jerry attend a tennis game, Jerry falls for the lineswoman (guest star Marlee Matlin), and George is filmed eating an ice cream sundae. Meanwhile, Kramer wants to become a ball boy, and Elaine pretends to be deaf to get out of talking to a driver.

Quote from George

Gwen: I'm sorry, George.
George: I don't understand. Things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened.
Gwen: It's not you, it's me.
George: You're giving me the, "It's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "It's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me. If it's anybody, it's me.
Gwen: All right. George, it's you.
George: You're damn right it's me.
Gwen: I was just trying to...
George: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.
Gwen: I'm sure you do it very well.
George: Yes, well, unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.

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Quote from George

George: [covering mouth with drink] Oh my gosh, I just had a great idea. She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me.
Jerry: [covers mouth with hand] What?
George: [covers mouth while eating nuts] We bring her to the party, and she can tell me what Gwen is saying about me.
Jerry: [covers mouth with drink] She's not a novelty act, George, where you hire her out for weddings and bar mitzvas.
George: [rubs eyes with hands, covering mouth] Look. It's a skill, just like juggling. She probably enjoys showing it off.
Jerry: [puts napkin to face] I don't know George. I'm not sure about this.
George: [stretchers arms in front of face] Could you ask her, just ask her. If she says no, case closed.
Jerry: [puts hand on chin] All right.
Jerry: Uh, Laura, George was wondering if...
Laura: Sure. I'll do it.

Quote from Newman

Newman: [enters] I hear you've got some lip reader working for you. You gotta let me use her for one day. Just one day.
Jerry: Can't do it, Newman.
Newman: But Jerry, we've got this new supervisor down at the post office. He's working behind this glass. I know they're talking about me. They're going to transfer me, I know it. Two hours, give me two hours.
Jerry: Not going to happen.
Newman: [angry] All right, all right. All right you go ahead. You go ahead and keep it secret. But you remember this. When you control the mail, you control... information.

Quote from Elaine

Renee: You know, I just heard the Lexington line is out.
Elaine: You are kidding me. How am I supposed to get to this meeting?
Renee: Take a car service. We have an account.
Elaine: Oh, forget it. I hate those. Every time I take one, the driver will not stop talking to me. No matter how disinterested I seem he just keeps yakking away. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Why does everything always have to have a social component? You know, see the stage coach, that would have been a good situation for me. Cause I'm in the coach, and the driver is way up there on the stage.
Renee: Well, you're not going to get a cab now. Four thirty in the afternoon? Read a magazine, keep your head down.
Elaine: I guess that could work.

Quote from Elaine

Driver: Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, huh? [Elaine ignores him] Pendant Publishing, that's books, right? [Elaine is silent] Miss?
Elaine: Pardon me?
Driver: Books, that's what you do?
Elaine: Yeah.
Driver: Yeah, I don't read much myself, well, you know besides the paper. Yeah, a lot of people read to relax, but not me. You know what I do?
Elaine: You know I'm having a lot of trouble, um, hearing you back here. So...
Driver: [loudly] I said you know what I do when I want to relax? The Jumble. Hey do you make a book of Jumbles?
Elaine: I'm going to have to be honest with you. I'm going deaf.
Driver: Going deaf?
Elaine: What?
Driver: Oh, I'm sorry.
Elaine: It can be very frustrating.
Driver: Hey, what about a hearing aid?
Elaine: Am I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah sure, who isn't? But, you know, you gotta live your life.
Driver: No, no, no, no. I said... Eh, forget it.

Quote from Elaine

Radio: Base to 92. Come in.
Driver: Yes, this is 92.
Radio: After this go back to city for a 6:00 pickup.
Driver: Righteo.
Radio: 794 Bleeker. The party's Hanks. Tom Hanks.
Elaine: Tom Hanks? After me you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him.
Driver: So I guess your hearing goes in and out huh?
Elaine: Yeah. Yes, it does.
Driver: Yeah. You know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up.
Elaine: No, no. No, no.
Driver: Yeah, yeah. I know your type. You're too good to make conversation with someone like me. Oh God forbid you could discuss the jumbles. But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf, I mean that is truly disgusting. And Mr. Tom Hanks, may I say he too would be disgusted by your behavior.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: What is this about?
Jerry: I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match.
Elaine: You are kidding. That is amazing. I just took a car service from work and to get the driver to not talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.
Jerry: Wow, good plan.
Elaine: Oh, it didn't work. He caught me hearing. I know it's terrible, but I'm not a terrible person.
Jerry & Kramer: No.
Elaine: No. When I shoo squirrels away, I always say "Get out of here." I never, ever throw things at them and try to injure them like other people.
Jerry: That's nice.
Elaine: Yeah. And when I see freaks in the street I never, ever stare at them. Yet, I'm careful not to look away. See, because I want to make the freaks feel comfortable.
Jerry: That's nice for the freaks.
Elaine: Yeah. And I don't poof up my hair when I got to a movie so people behind me can see.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Hey, Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that.
Jerry: Kramer, I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It's ball boys. Not ball men. There are no ball men.
Elaine: Yeah, I think he's right. I've never seen a ball man.
Kramer: Well, there ought to be ball men.
Jerry: All right I'll talk to her. If you want to be a ball man go ahead, break the ball barrier.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Professional tennis. To me I don't understand all the shushing. Why are they always shushing> Shh, shh. Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck down behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? To me, tennis is basically just ping-pong and the players are standing on the table. That's all it is. And that goofy scoring. You win one point and all the sudden you're up by 15. Two points, 30-love. 30-love. Sounds like an English call girl. "That'll be 30, love. And could you be a little quieter next time, please? Shh."

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You're bringing a date to a party?
George: No good?
Jerry: A party is a bad date situation. It doesn't matter who you're with. You could be with J. Edgar Hoover. You don't want to sit and talk with Hoover all night. You want to circulate. Ho, ho, ho.
George: Why'd you pick Hoover? Was he that interesting to talk to?
Jerry: Well, I would think, with the law enforcement and the cross dressing. Seems like an interesting guy.

Quote from George

Jerry: But I thought things were going great.
George: Yeah so did I.
Jerry: Did she say why?
George: No. She tried to give me the "It's not you, it's me" routine.
Jerry: But that's your routine.
George: Yeah. Well, apparently word's out.

Quote from George

George: She must have seen me eating it on TV.
Jerry: So she sees you with hot fudge on your face and she ends it? Do you really think she would be that superficial?
George: Why not? I would be.

Quote from Elaine

Kramer: Well, she should be the one that shouldn't go.
Jerry: Well, if a couple breaks up and have plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? What's the etiquette?
Kramer: Excellent question.
Jerry: I mean, I think she should withdraw. She's the breaker, he's the breakee. He needs to get on with his life.
Elaine: I beg to differ.
Jerry: Really.
Elaine: He's the loser. She's the victor. To the victor belong the spoils.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So I really had a good time.
Laura: Yeah, me too.
Jerry: So you want to go to the party on Friday night?
Laura: Yeah.
Jerry: All right, we're taking a car service. So we'll swing by and pick you up. How about six? [Laura looks offended]. Six is good. [Laura looks angry]. You got a problem with six? [Laura opens the door and gets out]. What? What?

Quote from George

George: If this lip reading thing works tonight, do you know how incredible this is going to be? It's like having Superman for your friend.
Jerry: I know. It's like X-ray vision.
George: If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain, there'd be no stopping us.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Oh, just pull over right there by the stop sign.
Driver: Pardon me, sir?
Jerry: I said pull over by the stop sign.
Driver: I'm so sorry, you'll have to forgive me. I can't hear a damn thing. I went to a rock concert last night at the Garden. My seats were right up against the speaker. It's a heavy metal group. Metalla-something.
Kramer: -ca.
Driver: Huh?
George: What?
Jerry: ca.
George: ah.
Driver: My ears are still ringing. Some woman's idea of a joke.
[As the car comes to a stop, Elaine gets in. The driver looks back and notices her. A moment later:]
Driver: Get out. Get out. Go on. Hey. Shut the door.

Quote from Kramer

George: Let's go, let's go. All right what are they saying?
[As Gwen and Todd talk, Laura signs to Kramer, who relays the message to George]
Kramer: "Hi, Gwen. Hi, tide."
Jerry: High tide?
Kramer: Hi, Todd. "You've got something between your teeth."
George: Where?
Kramer: No, that's what he said. "That's interesting. I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. And I hate peas, but I love pea soup." So do I.

Quote from George

George: So you're getting rid of me and now the two of you are going to sleep together?
Gwen: What? You're crazy.
Kramer: "What? You're crazy."
George: I heard your whole conversation.
Gwen: How?
Kramer: "How?"
George: [looks back to Laura, Kramer and the group] I can read lips. You said let's sleep together.
Gwen: No I didn't. I said "sweep". Let's sweep together. You know, like with a broom. Cleaning up.
Kramer: "... with a broom, cleaning up."
George: Sweep?
Gwen: Yes, sweep.
Kramer: "Yes, sweep."
George: Cut it.
Kramer: George says "Cut it."
George: Cut it.
Kramer: George is saying "Cut it."
George: Cut it. [returns to group] Would you stop signing? She said "sweep together" you idiots, not "sleep together."

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I've always been a big fan of the little check move, you know? [quietly while doing the gesture] "Can I get the check? The check." Unless the waiter's not too sharp. Then you gotta total it up. "I want the check." They come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals. Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people."


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