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‘The Good Samaritan’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Good Samaritan

320. The Good Samaritan

Aired March 4, 1992

After Jerry witnesses a hit-and-run car incident, he is conflicted when he goes to confront the attractive driver of the car. Meanwhile, George causes marital trouble when he dines with Elaine and her friends.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Well, I would say the concept between the car phone, and the phone machine, the speakerphone, the airline phone, portable phone, the pay phone, the cordless phone, the multiline phone, the phone pager, the call waiting, call forwarding, call conferencing, speed dialing, direct dialing, and the redialing, is that we all have absolutely nothing to say, and we've got to talk to someone about it right now. Cannot wait another second. I mean, come on. You're at home, you're on the phone. You're in the car, you're making calls. You get to work, "Any messages for me?" You gotta give people a chance to miss you a little.

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: What does it mean anyway? "God bless you". It's a stupid 'stuperstition'.
Jerry: A stupid what?
Elaine: Whatever.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: A man is paralyzed, mentally, by a beautiful woman. Advertisers really take advantage of this. Don't you love those ads where you see, like, the woman in the bikini next to the 32-piece ratchet set, you know, and she's... You know, we'll be looking at the girl in the bikini, and looking at the ratchet set going, "All right, well if she's right next to the ratchet set, and I had that ratchet set... I wonder if that would mean that... I better just buy that ratchet set."

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Jerry saw this guy crash into a car, and he followed him.
Kramer: Good for you! What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. They should be sent to Australia.
Jerry: Australia?
Kramer: Yeah. Yeah, that's where England used to send their convicts.
Jerry: But not anymore.
Kramer: No.

Quote from George

Jerry: By the way, Elaine does not need to know about anything.
George: Hey, hey, hey. I dig.
Jerry: Oh, you dig?
George: Yes, I see enormous potential here.
Jerry: Why?
George: Because great couples always have a great story about how they met. That's why I've never been in a long term relationship. I've never had a good meeting story.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I wonder if I'm nuts for pursuing this woman at all.
George: I don't think so.
Jerry: Look, she slammed into a parked car. She took no responsibility for mutilating the property of a stranger, and then she sped off like a criminal. ... On the other hand, does that mean she should never be allowed to date again? You scratch one car and you're forbidden to have social contact for the rest of your life?!

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Hey, Kramer. Kramer!
Kramer: Yeah?
Elaine: What happened to you right here?
Kramer: I don't know!
Kramer: You know, I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and uh, suddenly, you know, I got dizzy. And the next thing I know I hit my head on the coffee table.
Elaine: Well, that is- That is strange.
Kramer: Yep. [mumbles off]

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: I can't go alone.
Jerry: Ask George to go with you.
Elaine: George, come on. I'll pay for you.
George: You'll pay? I'm there.
Jerry: Why do you even need anybody?
Elaine: Because I hate being at a table alone with a married couple. Talking about their married friends, and their married furniture. They're always trying to make me feel like their life is so much better than mine. You know, I have a very exciting life. It's very exciting. [exits]

Quote from Elaine

Robin: You went out with a bullfighter?
Elaine: Yes. Well, an ex-bullfighter now.
Michael: Wow.
Robin: What was his name?
Elaine: His name? Name... Um, his name was uh, uh, Eduardo Caroccio.
George: Pass the salt please.
Robin: Where did you meet him?
Elaine: Um, actually, I met him in Switzerland, and he was fighting, uh... Is that the word they use? Fighting? Because they don't really fight the bull, they avoid fighting the bull. [all laugh]

Quote from George

Elaine: Oh, I just love meeting new people. You know that's how you really do learn about life.
[Robin sneezes. Nobody says anything. George lifts his head up and looks across the table.]
George: God bless you.
Robin: Thank you.
George: I wasn't going to say anything, but then I could see that he wasn't going to open his mouth.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: What happened?!
Elaine: What?
Kramer: I think I hit my head again!
Jerry: What is wrong?!
Elaine: Hey. Hey, wait a minute! Let me ask you something. Kramer, the last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV?
Kramer: Yeah.
Elaine: [claps] That is it!
Kramer: What?
Elaine: That is it! Mary Hart's voice, don't you see? There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like... Just like... Just like that woman in Albany!
Kramer: Mary Hart!

Quote from George

George: Well, she apologized, and then she wanted to know if we could get together Wednesday afternoon.
Jerry: Get together?
George: Maybe she just wants to talk to me?
Elaine: Married women don't "get together". They have affairs.
George: Oh my God, an affair. That's so adult. It's like with stockings and martinis, and William Holden. On the other hand, it probably wouldn't cost me any money.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I've had a crush on this woman for year! I've always been afraid to approach her. She looks like she belongs on one of these Hallmark cards.
George: Oh, right. Right. The blue sweatpants! Gees, it's too bad you can't say anything because of Angela.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Too bad. Angela. Lousy thug. I mean what kind of sick person does something like that? That woman belongs in prison! I mean, I actually owe it to society to do something about this. I can't sit by and allow this to go on. It's a moral issue is what it is!
George: You can't compromise your principles!
Jerry: How am I going to live with myself?!
George: Can't live!
Jerry: I'm not religious, but I certainly know where to draw the line!
George: This country needs more people like you.
Jerry: Don't sell yourself short saying "God bless you" to every Tom, Dick and Harry at great personal risk.
George: I believe strongly in that as you know.
Jerry: There should be more people like us.
George: That's why the world's in the shape it's in.
Jerry: You're telling me.

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Well, who told you to sleep with her George?!
George: It's not my fault! I wasn't going to do anything until you got her all juiced up with your story about having the affair with the matador!
Elaine: Oh, gosh. None of this would never have happened if you wouldn't have said, "God bless you"!
George: Oh don't-
Jerry: Hold it! Hold it! Hold it people! Matador? What matador?
George: She told this couple she had an affair with a matador.
Jerry: A matador! Well, well, well. Uno momento por favor. Pray tell, what was the young man's name?
Elaine: Uh... Eduardo Caroccio.
Jerry: Eduardo, Carochio! That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls of the tongue. I wonder where on the upper west side a single girl might meet a matador? Perhaps Zabars? Or Ray's Pizza!


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