George: Well, after dinner last week, she invites me back to her apartment.
Jerry: I'm with you.
George: Well, it's this little place with this little bathroom. It's like right there, you know, it's not even down a little hall or off in an alcove. You understand? There's no... buffer zone. So, we start to fool around, and it's the first time, and it's early in the going. And I begin to perceive this impending... intestinal requirement, whose needs are going to surpass by great lengths anything in the sexual realm. So I know I'm gonna have to stop. And as this is happening I'm thinking, even if I can somehow manage to momentarily... extricate myself from the proceedings and relieve this unstoppable force, I know that that bathroom is not gonna provide me with the privacy that I know I'm going to need.
Jerry: This could only happen to you.
George: So I finally stop and say, "Tatiana, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I think it would be best if I left".
Jerry: You said this to her after.
George: No. During.
Jerry: Oh, boy.
George: Yeah.
Jerry: Wow! So...?
George: So I'm dressing and she's staring up at me, struggling to compute this unprecedented turn of events. I don't know what to say to reassure this woman, and worst of all, I don't have the time to say it. The only excuse she might possibly have accepted is if I told her I am in reality Batman, and I'm very sorry, I just saw the Bat-Signal. It took me 3 days of phone calls to get her to agree to see me again. Now she's waiting for me to call her, and she's... still on the phone.

Elaine: No, they just have to get more cops on the force, it's as simple as that.
George: Cops. I don't even care about cops. I wanna see more garbage men. It's much more important. All I wanna see are garbage trucks, garbage cans and garbage men. You're never gonna stop crime, we should at least be clean.
Jerry: I tell you what they should do, they should combine the two jobs. Make it one job, 'cop\garbage man'. I always see cops walking around with nothing to do. Grab a broom! Start sweeping. You sweep, sweep, sweep. Catch a criminal, get right back to sweeping.
Elaine: You should run for mayor.
Jerry: Eh, nobody listens.

Elaine: Did you ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They think they're so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.
Jerry: Boy, you are really hungry.

Elaine: [talking through gritted teeth] I know this sounds crazy, but the two men who are standing behind me are going to give me fifty bucks if I stand here and eat one of your eggrolls.
[The elderly people at the table are confused]
Elaine: I'll give you twenty-five if you let me do it.
Man #1: What?
Woman #1: What is she talking about?
Man #2: What did she say?
[Elaine retreats]
Jerry: What happened?
Elaine: Did you see that?
George: What were you doing?
Elaine: [laughing] I offered them 25, they had no idea...

Jerry: Oh my god, Lorraine. That's Lorraine from my uncle's office. I'm in big, big trouble.
Elaine: The one you broke the plans with tonight?
Jerry: Yeah, she works in his office. Now she's gonna see him tomorrow and tell him she saw me here tonight. He's gonna tell his wife, his wife's gonna call my mother. Oh, this is bad, you don't know, the chain reaction of calls this is gonna set off. New York, Long Island, Florida, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. Unfortunately, nobody ever disappears. My uncle to my aunt, my aunt to my mother, my mother to my uncle...
[after act break:]
Jerry: ... My uncle to my cousin, my cousin to my sister, my sister to me.

Elaine: You know, it's not fair people are seated first come, first Served. It should be based on who's hungriest. I feel like just walking over there and taking some food off somebody's plate.
Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's fifty bucks in it for you if you do it.
Elaine: What do you mean?
Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an egg roll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say '"Thank you very much", wipe your mouth, walk away, I give you fifty bucks.
George: What are they gonna do?
Jerry: They won't do anything. In fact, you'll be giving them a story to tell for the rest of their lives.

Elaine: Should I do it, George?
George: For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow.

George: Excuse me, I was waiting here.
Woman: Where? I didn't see you.
George: I've been standing here for the last ten minutes!
Woman: Well, I won't be long.
George: That's not the point. The point is I was here first.
Woman: Well, if you were here first, you'd be holding the phone.
George: [walks away, shouts] You know, we're living in a society! We're supposed to act in a civilized way.
[George walks over to Jerry and Elaine]
George: Does she care? No. Does anyone ever display the slightest sensitivity over the problems of a fellow individual? No. No. A resounding no!
Man on the Phone: Hey, sorry I took so long.
George: Oh, that's OK, really. Don't worry about it.

Elaine: Remember when you first went out to eat with your parents? Remember, it was such a treat to go and they serve you this different food that you never saw before, and they put it in front of you, and it is such a delicious and exciting adventure? And now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.

Jerry: Excuse me. We've been waiting here. Now, I know we were ahead of that guy. He just came in.
Bruce: Oh, no. Mr. Cohen always here.
Elaine: He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean?
Bruce: Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue.
Elaine: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?!