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‘The Stake Out’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Stake Out

102. The Stake Out

Aired May 31, 1990

When Elaine takes Jerry to a party and he meets a woman, he's uncomfortable asking Elaine for the woman's phone number.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Apparently, Plato, who came up with the concept of the platonic relationship, was pretty excited about it. He named it after himself. He said "Yeah, I got this new thing, 'platonic'. My idea, my name, calling it after myself. What I do is, I go out with the girls, I talk with them. Don't do anything. And go right home. What do you think? I think it's going to be big!'' I bet you there were other guys in history that tried to get relationships named after them, but it didn't work. You know, I bet you there were guys who tried to do it, just went: "Hi, my name's Rico. Would you like to go to bed immediately? Hey, it's a 'Riconic' relationship..."

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Quote from George

Vanessa: What're you doing here?
Jerry: Oh, were meeting a friend of ours for lunch. He works here in the building.
George: Yeah, Art Vandelay.
Vanessa: Really? Which company?
Jerry: I don't know.
George: I don't really know.
Jerry: He's an importer.
Vanessa: Importer?
George: And exporter.
Jerry: He's an importer/exporter.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What's the young man's name? I would like to meet him.
Elaine: I don't think so.
Jerry: Well, what does he do? Is he an artisan, a craftsman, a laborer of some sort?
Elaine: Wall Street.
Jerry: Ah, high finance: bulls... bears... people from Connecticut.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So, I'm on line at the supermarket. Two women in front of me. One of them, her total was eight dollars. The other, three dollars. They both of course choose to pay by the use of the... check. Now, the fact is, if it's a woman in front of you that's writing the check, you will not be waiting long. I have noticed that women are very fast with checks, you know, 'cause they write out so many checks. The keys, they can never find in their purse, they don't know where that is. But the check book, they got that. They never fumble for the check book. The check book comes out of a holster, "Who do I make it out to? There's my ID''. There's something about a check that, to a man, is not masculine. I don't know exactly what it is... I think to a man, a check is like a note from your mother that says, "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time. I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these. Is this of any value at all?"

Quote from George

Jerry: Well what do you want me to say, that I just wandered in here?!
George: We're having lunch with a friend. He works in the building.
Jerry: What is his name?
George: Bert... Har... bin... son. Bert Har-bin-son.
Jerry: Bert Harbinson? It sounds made up.
George: No good? All right, how about Art... Core.....
Jerry: Art Core...
George: ...velay...
Jerry: Corvelay?
George: Yeah, right.
Jerry: Well, what does he do?
George: He's an importer.
Jerry: Just imports, no exports?
George: He's an importer/exporter, okay?

Quote from George

Jerry: Wait a second. That's her on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Vandelay!
Jerry: Corvelay!
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!

Quote from George

George: I'm, uh, I'm an architect.
Vanessa: Really. What do you design?
George: Uh... Railroads.
Vanessa: I thought engineers do that.
George: They can.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone... or let's say, especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, "Look, a rabbit." The other goes, "So? ... I believe that's your card." "Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night? Okay?"

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: What's that one?
Elaine: Cocoon II: The Return. I guess they didn't like it up there...
Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. You know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she's probably screamin' at those aliens, "I gotta have a lo mein!"

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Okay, what're we doing here? I have seen everything.
Jerry: Oh yeah? I don't believe you've seen... this.
Elaine: Oh, lovely.
Jerry: Yeah.
Elaine: What do you think their parents think?
Jerry: "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?" "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy."

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You know, this would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday.
Jerry: Pamela? Do I know her?
Elaine: Yeah, you met her when we were going out.
Jerry: Oh yeah, right...
Elaine: You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?
Jerry: No.
Elaine: Blonde hair, remember? Glasses? ... Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: You know, my parents are coming in for this.
Elaine: They're coming in?
Jerry: Yeah, tomorrow.
Elaine: Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?
Jerry: No, no. Still doing the big sweep across.
Elaine: Why does he do that?
Jerry: Doesn't think anyone can tell.

Quote from Jerry

Pamela: Hi.
Elaine: Hi, Pamela, you remember Jerry.
Pamela: Yes, we met.
Jerry: Hi, happy birthday.
Pamela: Ahh, everybody, this is Elaine and Jerry.
All: Hi.
Jerry: I didn't bring anything.
Pamela: I'll put you two right here.
Jerry: Oh, okay. [to the more smartly-dressed people] I'm sorry. I didn't know. Nobody's told me anything about this.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Oh, Jerry!
Jerry: [inner monologue] Oh no, not now...
Elaine: I had this dream last night and you were in it.
Jerry: Oh, really? [inner monologue] Oh God, I gotta get out of this.
Elaine: You were you, but, you weren't you...
Jerry: No kidding. [inner monologue] Why is this happening? Please, make her stop!
Elaine: I think... I think we were in my house where I grew up, and you were standing there, you were looking out the window.
Jerry: [inner monologue] This is brutal.
Elaine: You turned around and you had these wooden teeth.
Jerry: How do you like that... [inner monologue] Can I turn now? Is this over? No, I can't, I can't... I'm stuck...
Elaine: Jerry, are you listening to me?
Jerry: Yes, I heard you.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So, you're a lawyer...
Vanessa: Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.
Jerry: [inner monologue] Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff. Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff... [out loud] Of course, they handled my tattoo removal lawsuit!
Vanessa: Oh, that was you!
Jerry: Imagine, spelling "Mom" with two O's...
Vanessa: Very funny! What do you do?
Jerry: Comedian.
Vanessa: Really? That explains it...
Jerry: [inner monologue] Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff. Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.
Roger: Are you ready?
Vanessa: We gotta run. Happy birthday.
Jerry: [inner monologue] I can't believe it. I got nothing! I don't even know her name! Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff. Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppen... Sagman... Sag...

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: That wasn't so bad, really.
Elaine: You know, uh, you could use a little work on your manners.
Jerry: Why? What did I do?
Elaine: Well, I just don't appreciate these little "courtesy responses", like I'm selling you aluminum siding.
Jerry: I was listening!
Elaine: No! You couldn't wait to get back to your little... "conversation".
Jerry: No, you were talking about the, the um, the dream you had.
Elaine: Uh-huh...
Jerry: Where you had, uh, wooden teeth.
Elaine: No! No! You had wooden teeth! You had wooden teeth! I didn't have wooden teeth, you did!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!
Helen Seinfeld: Y'know, Jerry, we don't have to do this...
Jerry: What are you talking about? It's fine, I love having you here.
Helen Seinfeld: Tomorrow we'll go to a hotel.
Jerry: Ma, will you stop?
Helen Seinfeld: No, why should we take over your apartment?
Jerry: I don't care. I'm sleeping next door.
Helen Seinfeld: Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?
Jerry: No, he's making a bouillabaisse.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So Dad, lemme ask you a question. How many people work at these big law offices?
Morty Seinfeld: Depends on the firm.
Jerry: Yeah, but if you called up and described someone, do you think they would know who it was?
Morty Seinfeld: What's the matter? You need a lawyer?
Jerry: No, I met someone at this party, and I know where she works, but I don't know her name.
Helen Seinfeld: So why don't you ask someone who was at the party?
Jerry: Nah, the only one I could ask is Elaine, and I can't ask her.
Morty Seinfeld: Why not?
Jerry: Because it's complicated. There's some tension there.
Helen Seinfeld: He used to go with her...
Morty Seinfeld: Which one is she?
Helen Seinfeld: From Maryland. The one who brought you the chocolate covered cherries you didn't like.
Morty Seinfeld: Oh yeah, very alert. Warm person.
Jerry: Oh yeah, she's great.

Quote from Jerry

Helen Seinfeld: So, how come nothing materialized there?
Jerry: Well, it's a tough thing to talk about... I dunno...
Helen Seinfeld: I know what it was.
Jerry: You don't know what it was.
Helen Seinfeld: So, what was it?
Jerry: Well, we fight a lot for some reason...
Both: Oh, well...
Jerry: And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry...
[Jerry's parents are silent]

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Helen Seinfeld: You know, you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.
Jerry: I know, I know...
Morty Seinfeld: You know Jerry, it's a good thing I wasn't so particular.
Helen: Idiot. [to Jerry] So who are you looking for, Sophia Loren?
Jerry: That's got nothing to do with it.
Morty Seinfeld: How about Loni Anderson?
Helen Seinfeld: Where do you get Loni Anderson?
Morty Seinfeld: Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?
Helen Seinfeld: I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson...

Quote from Morty Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: Well, go up to the office.
Helen Seinfeld: Up to her office?
Morty Seinfeld: Go to the building. She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?
Jerry: I guess...
Morty Seinfeld: So, you stand in the lobby, by the elevator, and wait for her to come down for lunch.
Jerry: You mean "stake out" the lobby?
Helen Seinfeld: Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number!
Morty Seinfeld: He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.
Helen Seinfeld: So you've got him standing by the elevator like a dope! What happens when he sees her?
Morty Seinfeld: He pretends he bumped into her!
Jerry: You know what? This is not that bad an idea.

Quote from Jerry

George: What does she look like?
Jerry: I dunno. Hard to say.
George: What actress does she remind you of?
Jerry: Loni Anderson.
George: Loni Anderson?!
Jerry: What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson?

Quote from George

Jerry: If I see her, what do I say that I'm doing here in the building?
George: You came to see me. I work in the building.
Jerry: What do you do?
George: I'm an architect.
Jerry: You're an architect?
George: I'm not?
Jerry: I don't see architecture coming from you.
George: I suppose you could be an architect.
Jerry: I never said that I was the architect. Just something else.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, hey. Pamela's birthday party, didn't I see you there? Jerry.
Vanessa: Sure! Hi!
Jerry: This is George. I'm sorry...
Vanessa: Vanessa.
George: Nice to meet you.
Jerry: Ah, Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.
Vanessa: That's right!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Y'know I'm sorry you had to leave so early the other night.
Vanessa: Oh, me too. My cousin had to go back to Boston.
Jerry: Oh, that guy was your cousin!
Vanessa: Yeah, and that woman was your...
Jerry: Friend!
George: I'll just, uh, get a paper...
Jerry: So, um, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.

Quote from Jerry

Helen Seinfeld: Oh, Elaine called. She said she'd be here at 2:30. Oh, and she says "Hope your meeting went well with Art... Vandelay?''
Jerry: She said what?
Helen Seinfeld: Just what I said, here.
Jerry: She knows! Oh, I am such a jackass...
Helen Seinfeld: She knows what?
Jerry: She knows the whole stupid thing. Vanessa and the elevator.

Quote from Helen Seinfeld

Morty Seinfeld: So, what are you? Afraid of her?
Jerry: Yes. Yes I am! What else did she say on the phone?
Helen Seinfeld: Whatever I wrote down.
Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?
Helen Seinfeld: Who am I, Rich Little?

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: "Quone"?
Helen Seinfeld: ...30...31...
Jerry: "Quone"? No, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to challenge that.
Helen Seinfeld: ...32...
Kramer: No, you don't have to challenge that. That's a word. That's a definite word.
Jerry: I am challenging...
Kramer: Quone. To quone something.
Jerry: Uh-huh.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm not playing with you anymore.
Morty Seinfeld: Quone's not a word...
Jerry: No good. Sorry. There it is. Get it off.
Helen Seinfeld: Why did you make me put that down?
Kramer: Nah, we need a medical dictionary! If a patient gets difficult, you quone him...

Quote from Jerry

Carol: You want some funny material, you ought to come down to where I work, there's a sitcom!
Jerry: You must have quite a time down there. [checks his watch]
Carol: We got plenty of time...
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just waiting for someone...
Mac: Watch what you say to this guy, he'll put it in his next act!
Jerry: Yeah, yeah...
Mac: Jerry, did I tell you that I'm writing a book? An autobiography.
Jerry: Yeah, Uncle Mac, you mentioned it.
Mac: It's based on all my experiences.
Jerry: That's perfect.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: How do you do, Jerry Seinfeld.
Elaine: Oh, how do you do. Elaine Benes.
Jerry: Um, do you want to do this now, or do you want to wait until we get in the car?
Elaine: Oh no, let's do it now.
Jerry: All right, the whole elevator business, let me just explain.
Elaine: Okay.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: Anyway, you know why I didn't ask you, I mean I felt so uncomfortable, and you were so annoyed in the cab.
Elaine: Well, Jerry, I never saw you flirt with anyone before. It was quite the... spectacle.

Quote from Jerry

Carol: Jerry, we'll see you there. Bye, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, bye. Good to see you.
Artie: Oh, we didn't meet.
Jerry: Oh, I'm sorry. Elaine, this is my cousin Artie Levine [Lev-een].
Artie: Levine [Le-vine].
Jerry: Yeah, "Levine". And I'm Jerry Cougar Mellencamp.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: And he happens to be pretty good lookin'
Jerry: All right, sir.
Elaine: And... he's hilarious.
Jerry: Now that's not fair! So where did you meet this guy?
Elaine: I "staked out" his health club.
Jerry: When you're on a stakeout, do you find it's better to stand up against the wall, or kinda crouch down behind a big plant?


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