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‘The Heart Attack’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Heart Attack

208. The Heart Attack

Aired April 25, 1991

After George winds up in the hospital thinking he's having a heart attack, he instead seeks treatment from Kramer's "holistic healer".

Quote from George

George: So, how do you like the way I talked you into coming down here?
Jerry: Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material, and I have a feeling this is a potential gold mine. I still think you're nuts, though.
George: All I know is, I've been going to doctors all my life. What has it gotten me? I'm thirty-three years old. I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty, I'm already facing the problems of old age. I completely skipped healthy adulthood. I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You could do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm. I've never had a normal, medium orgasm.
Jerry: I never had a really good pickle.
George: Besides, what's it gonna cost me? Thirty-eight bucks?

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, I tell you, I gotta say that I'm enjoying adulthood. For a lot of reasons. And I'll tell you reason number one: as an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie. Okay? I have three cookies or four cookies, or eleven cookies if I want. Many times, I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it. "Hello, Mom? Yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite. Cookies." So what if you ruin... See, because as an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them, I'll ruin them whenever I want!

Quote from Jerry

Elaine: Hey, where's Kramer?
Jerry: I don't know. That's like asking "Where's Waldo?"

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I have a friend who's a hypochondriac, always thinks he's sick, never is. And they, you have another type of person, always thinks they're well, no matter how bad they really are. You know this type of person? Very annoying. "Feel great. I like being on the respirator. Intravenous heart/lung machine? I never felt better in my life." Medical science is making advances every day to control health problems. In fact, it's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack, you know, becomes like, a headache. We'll just see people on TV going, "I had a heart attack this big... but, I gave myself one of these. Clear! And it's gone!"

Quote from George

George: [holding note] I think I'm having a heart attack.
Jerry: I don't think that's it.
George: I'm not kidding.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Elaine: I think what he's trying to say is that he's having a heart attack.
Jerry: Oh, he's having a heart attack.
George: Tightness.
Jerry: Come on.
George: Shortness of breath..
Jerry: Oh, this is ridiculous.
George: Radiating waves of pain.
Jerry: I know what this is. You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country. I saw it in the TV Guide. I called him and told him to make sure and not watch it.
George: There was nothing else on. Oh, the left arm. The left arm.
Jerry: He saw that show on anorexia last year, and ate like an animal for two weeks.
George: Why can't I have a heart attack? I'm allowed.
Jerry: So what do you want? You want me take you to the hospital?
George: Manhattan Memorial, less of a line.

Quote from George

George: I'll tell you, if I ever get out of here, I'm gonna change my life. I'm gonna do a whole Zen thing. Take up yoga, meditate. I'll eat right. Calm down, lose my anger. [notices Jerry and Elaine are chatting to each other] Hey, is anybody listening?!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Whose tonsils grow back? [laughs]
Doctor: It happens.
Jerry: Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.
Elaine: I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has their tonsils. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anyone who didn't have their tonsils.
Doctor: That's interesting. Because, no one in my family has their tonsils, and we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.
Jerry: Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar. It's like a Sizzler's opened up a hospital! [sits down and starts eating] So, how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? Are they gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer: The really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping [pants] and suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.
Jerry: Kramer, George didn't have a heart attack.
Kramer: No? That's good.
George: I have to have my tonsils taken out.
Kramer: Oh, man. No! George, we gotta get you outta here. Get out! Right now! They'll kill you in here.
Jerry: It's routine surgery.
Kramer: Oh yeah? My friend, Bob Saccomanno, he came in here for a hernia operation. Oh yeah, routine surgery. Now, he's sittin' around in a chair by a window going, [high-pitched] "My name is Bob". George, whatever you do, don't let 'em cut you. Don't let 'em cut you.

Quote from Kramer

George: Well, what should I do, Kramer?
Jerry: Well, for one think, don't listen to him.
Kramer: I'll tell you what to do, I'll tell you what to do. You go to Tor Eckman. Tor, Tor, he'll fix you right up. He's an herbalist, a healer, George. He's not just gonna fix the tonsils and the adenoids, he is gonna change the whole way you function. Body and mind.
Jerry: Eckman? I thought he was doing time?
Kramer: No, no, he's out. He got out. See, the medical establishment, see, they tried to frame him. It's all politics. But he's a rebel.
Jerry: A rebel? No. Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Eckman is a nut. George, you want to take care of your tonsils, you do it in a hospital. With a doctor.
Kramer: He's holistic, George. He's holistic.

Quote from Elaine

Doctor: You see, taste buds run on grooves along the surfaces.
Elaine: Can you let go of my tongue now?
Doctor: What?
Elaine: Let go of my tongue!
Doctor: Oh, sorry.
Elaine: Well, I should get going. [the doctor leans in for a kiss] What are you doing?
Doctor: I was going to kiss you good night.
Elaine: A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? Hmm, I don't think so.


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