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‘The Virgin’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Seinfeld: The Virgin

410. The Virgin

Aired November 11, 1992

Jerry learns that the woman he's dating, Marla (guest star Jane Leeves), is a virgin. Meanwhile, Jerry and George struggle to get to work on their sitcom before an important meeting with NBC.

Quote from George

George: She's a virgin?
Jerry: A virgin.
George: Wow. So what're you gonna do?
Jerry: I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy.
George: I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
Jerry: You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you.
George: You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back.

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Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Look at George. He lucked out, huh?
Jerry: Oh, you're not kidding. Who'd have figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
Elaine: Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

Quote from George

Jerry: What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?
George: No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week.
Jerry: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?
George: Implied.
Jerry: She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
George: There might be some moisturizer.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Let me ask you this. Is there any Tampax in your house?
George: [pause] Yeah.
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what you've got here.
George: What?
Jerry: You got yourself a girlfriend.
George: Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?
Jerry: I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with Tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but...

Quote from Kramer

George: I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em.
Kramer: Okay. What are you getting?
George: I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.
Kramer: What's a Chow Fung?
George: It's a broad noodle.
Kramer: What do you mean, a broad noodle?
George: It's a big, flat noodle.
Kramer: Well, I don't want a big, flat noodle.
George: What kind of noodle do you want?
Kramer: Who says I want a noodle?
George: All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any.
Kramer: All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods.
George: Fine.
Kramer: Get extra MSG.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Marla: So they just leave?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Marla: Wow. It must be really good to put up with all that.
Elaine: Eh.

Quote from George

George: Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.
Jerry: You're going to make a good father someday.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: I like that thing in your hair there.
Elaine: Oh, yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple?
Marla: No thanks.
Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know. Ah! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? [sips the Snapple] Ah.
Marla: I should be going.

Quote from Jerry

Marla: Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex.
Jerry: What? Leave? Where? Why?
Marla: You know, the apartment.
Jerry: Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
Marla: Well what if it was my apartment?
Jerry: Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?
Marla: Well, Elaine said men like to leave after it's over.
Jerry: Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into anything Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
Marla: Maybe I should get going.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's no easy way to break off any relationship. I think, when you first start dating, they ought to give you three "Get out of relationship free" cards. You know what I mean? So you could just go up to the person and go, "Here you. go. I'm sorry. I'll grab the tennis racket. Don't even bother to get up. Have a good one. Sorry." Which is fine, unless of course, unless the person you're in a relationship with happens to have a, "Eight More Months of Guilt, Torture and Pain" card. "Hold it, I got a little something for you.

Quote from George

Jerry: Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?
George: About six years ago.
Jerry: I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.
George: Women like skiers.
Jerry: So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan.
George: Yeah. Right.

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