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‘The Virgin’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Virgin

410. The Virgin

Aired November 11, 1992

Jerry learns that the woman he's dating, Marla (guest star Jane Leeves), is a virgin. Meanwhile, Jerry and George struggle to get to work on their sitcom before an important meeting with NBC.

Quote from George

Jerry: What's your phone call frequency? Are you on a daily?
George: No. Semi-daily. Four or five times a week.
Jerry: What about Saturday nights? Do you have to ask her out, or is a date implied?
George: Implied.
Jerry: She got anything in your medicine cabinet?
George: There might be some moisturizer.
Jerry: Uh-huh. Let me ask you this. Is there any Tampax in your house?
George: [pause] Yeah.
Jerry: Well, I'll tell you what you've got here.
George: What?
Jerry: You got yourself a girlfriend.
George: Ah, no, no. Are you sure? A girlfriend?
Jerry: I'm looking at a guy in a semi-daily with Tampax in his house and an implied date on Saturday night. I would like to help you out, but...

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Quote from George

George: She's a virgin?
Jerry: A virgin.
George: Wow. So what're you gonna do?
Jerry: I don't know. I'm very attracted to her. That accent, it's so sexy.
George: I don't think I could do it. You know, they always remember the first time. I don't want to be remembered. I wanna be forgotten.
Jerry: You need a little pioneer spirit. You know, you don't have any of that Lewis and Clark in you.
George: You know, sometimes those guys don't make it back.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Look at George. He lucked out, huh?
Jerry: Oh, you're not kidding. Who'd have figured Susan would break up with him? They had a good thing going.
Elaine: Yeah, since she met him she's been vomited on, her family cabin's been burned down, she learned her father's a homosexual, and she got fired from a high paying network job. Yeah, they had a real good thing going.

Quote from Kramer

George: I'll tell you what. Why don't we just get a couple of dishes and we'll just share 'em.
Kramer: Okay. What are you getting?
George: I'm gonna get a Chow Fung.
Kramer: What's a Chow Fung?
George: It's a broad noodle.
Kramer: What do you mean, a broad noodle?
George: It's a big, flat noodle.
Kramer: Well, I don't want a big, flat noodle.
George: What kind of noodle do you want?
Kramer: Who says I want a noodle?
George: All right, look. I'm getting the Chow Fung. You don't have to have any.
Kramer: All right. I'll get pea pods and you can't have any of my pea pods.
George: Fine.
Kramer: Get extra MSG.

Quote from George

George: Would you believe my luck? The first time in my life I have a good answer to the question, "What do you do?" and I have a girlfriend. I mean, you don't need a girlfriend when you can answer that question. That's what you say in order to get girlfriends. Once you can get a girlfriend, you don't want a girlfriend, you just want more girlfriends.
Jerry: You're going to make a good father someday.

Quote from Elaine

Jerry: I like that thing in your hair there.
Elaine: Oh, yeah? This woman was selling them at this crazy party I was at last night. You'll appreciate this. Snapple?
Marla: No thanks.
Elaine: I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa. And my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know. Ah! Staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right? [sips the Snapple] Ah.
Marla: I should be going.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Look, Marla. This whole sex thing is totally overrated. Now, here's the one thing you've gotta be ready for is how the man changes into a completely different person five seconds after it's over. I mean, something happens to their personality it's really quite astounding. It's like they committed a crime and they want to flee the scene before the police get there.
Marla: So they just leave?
Elaine: Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Well, the smart ones start working on their getaway stories during dinner. How, you know, they gotta get up early tomorrow. What is about being up early? They all turn into farmers suddenly.
Marla: Wow. It must be really good to put up with all that.
Elaine: Eh.

Quote from Jerry

Marla: Are you gonna leave after its over? You know, if we have sex.
Jerry: What? Leave? Where? Why?
Marla: You know, the apartment.
Jerry: Why would I leave? This is my apartment.
Marla: Well what if it was my apartment?
Jerry: Who gave you this idea I would wanna leave?
Marla: Well, Elaine said men like to leave after it's over.
Jerry: Listen, I wouldn't put too much stock into anything Elaine has to say about relationships. She comes from a broken home, and I mean that literally. A tree fell on her roof and cracked the whole structure. Her parents got along beautifully, but her house was in bad shape.
Marla: Maybe I should get going.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's no easy way to break off any relationship. I think, when you first start dating, they ought to give you three "Get out of relationship free" cards. You know what I mean? So you could just go up to the person and go, "Here you. go. I'm sorry. I'll grab the tennis racket. Don't even bother to get up. Have a good one. Sorry." Which is fine, unless of course, unless the person you're in a relationship with happens to have a, "Eight More Months of Guilt, Torture and Pain" card. "Hold it, I got a little something for you.

Quote from George

Jerry: Let me ask you something. When's the last time you went skiing?
George: About six years ago.
Jerry: I think you can take the lift ticket off your jacket now.
George: Women like skiers.
Jerry: So what? You can't meet anybody. You're going on with Susan.
George: Yeah. Right.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Hey, see those two women over there? I almost dated the one on the right. She's in the closet business.
George: The closet business? What's the closet business?
Jerry: What is it your business?
George: I'm interested.
Jerry: She reorganizes your closet and shows you how to maximize your closet space. She looked into my closet.
George: So you thought she was good looking and figured this would be a good way to meet her?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: Yeah. So what happened?
Jerry: So, she mentioned she had a boyfriend and then it hit me. What do I need more closet space for?

Quote from Jerry

Marla: So, how was your trip to Berlin?
Jerry: Trip to Berlin?
Marla: Remember? That's why you put off doing the closets. You said you were going to Berlin for a while.
Jerry: Oh, right, right.
Marla: The wall had just come down, and you told me you wanted to be part of the celebration.
Jerry: Yes. Yes, I did. But, you know, I was watching it on CNN, and they covered it so well I thought, "Why knock my brains out?"
Marla: You, know my boyfriend went.
Jerry: Really?
Marla: Yes, I told him all about you going and he got all excited and decided to go.
Jerry: Oh, did he like it?
Marla: I don't know. He never came back.

Quote from George

George: Anyway, we met with NBC about a month ago and they gave us the green light to go ahead and write a pilot. In fact, we got a big meeting with them tomorrow. They got to approve of the story before we can write.
Stacy: Wow, what a great job. A writer.
George: Not a bad way to make a buck.
Stacy: Sounds great.
George: Well, I'll tell you, Stacy. It's a lot of hard work. But, it comes fairly easy to me. Some people write symphonies. This is my gift. [raises ski lift ticket on jacket]

Quote from Jerry

George: Well it's not fair, Jerry. It's just not fair. All right, all right. That's it. I'm getting out of this thing.
Jerry: Fine. Break up with her. But you know what this means?
George: No, what?
Jerry: The script, the pilot, the TV show. That's all over.
George: Why? What do you mean?
Jerry: Figure it out. She's one of the executives at NBC that's gonna make the decision whether or not they pick up the show. She's one of our biggest fans. You drop her off, you think they're gonna pick us up?
George: Oh, right. Oh no, man.
Jerry: You know, it's a very interesting situation. Here you have a job that can get you girls. But, you also have a relationship. But if you try and get rid of the relationship so you can get the girls, you lose the job. You see the irony?
George: Yeah, yeah. I see the irony.

Quote from George

George: All right. What about this? What if I can find some way to break up with her so that she'll still like me and it doesn't affect the deal.
Jerry: Oh, yeah.
George: Wait, wait. Here me out. Don't dismiss this. You're very quick to dismiss. Don't dismiss. She's got a big crush on David Letterman. I mean, a big crush. She talks about him all the time. Suppose I go up to David Letterman. He works at NBC; I work at NBC. I explain my situation. He agrees to meet her. They go out, they fall madly in love. And she dumps me for David Letterman.
Jerry: This is your plan?
George: No, no. I'm just thinking.
Jerry: I don't think you are.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: Why don't you go out? It's nice out.
Kramer: Oh, no. There's nothing out there for me.
Jerry: There's weather.
Kramer: Weather? I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.

Quote from George

Jerry: All right, let's go. We don't have much time before the meeting.
George: Where's the food? What happened to Ping?
Jerry: Don't worry, he'll be here. Look, we only got about two hours. We just need to come up with one good story idea we can get through this meeting. [buzzer] There's your food.
George: Hey, what about this? I'm in a car accident. The motorist is uninsured, you with me?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: My car's totaled. It's all his fault and now, he has absolutely no money. There is no way that he can pay me. So the judge decrees that he becomes my butler.
Jerry: Your butler?
George: Right. He cooks my food, he cleans my house, he does all my shopping for me. And there you go, that's your program.
Jerry: What about me?
George: Don't worry, we'll find something for you.
Jerry: That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. Sentenced to be a butler.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: A month and a half we had. We did nothing. I can't believe we put it off until today. And then we couldn't do anything because Elaine runs out to apologize to a virgin, crosses against a light, and knocks over a Chinese delivery boy. Now we're gonna make fools of ourselves, we got nothing. You're not even in show business. I got a reputation. You're dragging me into the sewer with you. I've been on TV, buddy boy. You know how fast word spreads in show business? It's like that, like that! One bad impression, you're outta the business!

Quote from George

George: All right, let's postpone it. Let's get out of here.
Jerry: What do you mean? They know we're here.
George: I'll fake an illness. "My back! My back! I can't believe- My back!"
Jerry: No, no, would you get up?
George: I can do this, Jerry.
Jerry: No.
George: All right, I'll tell them my sister died. "[sobs] My poor sister died. She was standing and then she was laughing and then they shot her! That's the kind of sick city that we're living in. They shoot you for laughing. I must go and comfort my poor family. Jerry, take me home so I can comfort my... my poor family."
Jerry: What?
George: That's David Letterman. I just saw David Letterman walk by. I'll be right back.

Quote from Jerry

Rita: Well, I think we should get started anyway.
Jerry: Yeah, good idea.
Rita: So how are you guys comin' along?
Jerry: Good, good, we've got a lot of ideas.
Rita: Good. [pause]
Jerry: Have you ever been to a Chinese restaurant and they tell you it'll be, like, five minutes for a table and you wind up waiting there for, like, thirty minutes? Well, we thought it would be very funny to do an entire show where all you're doing is waiting for the table. [no response] Because we've all been in that situation. You know, you're waiting... And you're hungry... And you bump into somebody you know... [nervous chuckle] When is Russell coming back?
Rita: So that's the idea?
Jerry: Well, no. That's one. We have many others. We have an idea where, uh, I get into an accident with a guy who has no insurance and the judge sentences him to be my butler. [everyone laughs] You know he cooks for me, he has to cook for me... And cleans my house. He's doing my shopping, you know? I'm walking around with one of those big neck collars.
Jay: Those collars are funny!
Stu: Once you see someone in those collars, you start laughing immediately.

Quote from George

George: This is great! He fired her! This is incredible, he fired her. I'm out, baby! I'm out!
Jerry: Why did he fire her?
George: Because I kissed her in the meeting. Russell found out, he fired her over the phone. Finally, my stupidity pays off!
Kramer: What is here comes the judge, here comes the judge!
Jerry: You can't break up with her now. Her life is shattered. You got her fired. You gotta be there for her.
George: What?
Jerry: You got to at least wait until she gets another job.
George: Another job?
Jerry: Couple of interviews.
George: Oh, this is unbelievable. I'm stuck. Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.

Quote from George

George: What do I do? Well actually, I'm a writer. In fact, I'm writing a comedy pilot for NBC right now.
Woman: A sitcom? How can you write that crap? Carol, this guy's writing a sitcom.
Carol: A sitcom? Come on, let's go. [walks away]
Woman: A sitcom. Can you imagine? And he actually tried to use it to hit on me!

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: In ancient tribal cultures, they would actually sacrifice a virgin. They thought that would do something. They would find some girl who had never been out with anybody, and they would throw her into a volcano. I mean, there's a first date you'll never forget. She winds up in heaven talking to Chuck Woolery. "So tell me, Lisa, how did the date end? "Not well, Chuck. Not well." "Well, if you'd like to be thrown into a volcano again, we'll pay for it."


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