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‘The Package’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Package

805. The Package

Aired October 17, 1996

Elaine gets a reputation as a difficult patient. Kramer convinces Jerry to send his broken stereo through the postal system and claim on the insurance. Meanwhile, George senses the woman at the photo store is interested in him.

Quote from Kramer

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

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Quote from Newman

Newman: Gentlemen, gentlemen. I am so happy to see you both. There is just some inconsistencies I'd like to straighten out.
Jerry: I'm clean and you know it.
Newman: Clean? Hardly. This doesn't like like a man that is happy with his stereo performance, now, does it?
Jerry: Where did you get that?
George: I think that's one of mine.
Newman: It looks like you're breaking into it like an otter breaks open a clam.
Jerry: Well, I don't know about that but I'm sure there is a explanation.
Newman: Yes, it's called mail fraud. Oh, how I've longed for this moment, Seinfeld. The day when I would have the proof I needed to hall you out of your cushy lair and expose to the light of justice as the monster that you are. A monster so vile!
Co-worker: Newman!
Newman: There will be a small fine.
Jerry: Okay.

Quote from George

Elaine: And then he starts writing on my chart.
George: Well, why don't you get a hold of it and change what you don't like?
Elaine: You can't change your chart. It's your chart.
George: I am in and out of my personnel file at work all the time.
Elaine: You are?
George: Hey, I've kept the same job for more than two years. It's not luck.

Quote from Kramer

Attendant: May I help you?
Kramer: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Van Nostrund from the clinic. I'm gonna need Elaine Benes chart. She's a patient of mine and... I don't think she's not going to make it. It's, uh, very bad. It's very messy.
Attendant: I see and what clinic is that again?
Kramer: That's correct.
Attendant: Excuse me.
Kramer: From the Hoffermandorf Neo Clinic in Belgium.
Attendant: Really?
Kramer: The Netherlands?

Quote from Elaine

[As she waits for the doctor, Elaine takes a peek at her chart]
Elaine: [inner monologue] Difficult?
Doctor: Elaine, you shouldn't be reading that. So tell me about this rash of yours.
Elaine: Well it's... It's... You know, I noticed that someone wrote in my chart that I was difficult in January of '92, and I have to tell you that I remember that appointment exactly. You see this nurse asked me to put a gown on but it was a mole on my shoulder and, actually, I had specifically wore a tank top so I wouldn't have to put a gown on. You know, they're made of paper.
Doctor: Well, that was a long time ago. How about if I just erase it? Now, about that rash?
Elaine: But it was in pen. You fake erased.
Doctor: All right, Miss Benes. This doesn't look to serious. You should be fine.
Elaine: What are you writing? [The doctor walks away] Doctor.

Quote from Jerry

George: Why'd you refuse that? Everybody loves a package.
Jerry: I don't know. It was weird. Crazy printing. I don't know who it was from.
George: What do you think, it's a bomb?
Jerry: It's not totally impossible.
George: Oh, the ego on you.
Jerry: Why can't I be bomb-able?
George: Who's going to bomb you? An airline for all the stupid little peanut jokes?
Jerry: Oh, I suppose you think your bomb-able.
George: Hey, there's a couple of people that wouldn't mind having me out of the way.
Jerry: There's more than a couple.

Quote from Newman

Kramer: Boy, I really miss the Bermuda Triangle.
Newman: I guess there's not much action down there these days.
Kramer: Oh, there's action. There's plenty of action. It's that damn alien autopsy stealing all the headlines.
Newman: Yeah, tell me about it.
Kramer: See, what they gotta do is lose a plane or a Greenpeace boat. See, that would get the Triangle going again.
Newman: What keeps the water in there? I mean, why doesn't that disappear?
Kramer: Now, what would be the point of taking the water?
Newman: It's gorgeous water. Do we own Bermuda?
Kramer: No, it belongs to the British.
Newman: Lucky Krauts.
Kramer: So what do you think of that alien autopsy?
Newman: Oh, that's real.
Kramer: I think so too.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You are not going to believe what happened to me at the doctor's office today.
Jerry: Not the gown again.
Elaine: No, no. I was looking at my chart, and it said I was difficult. Why would they write that?
Jerry: They have gotten to know you.
Elaine: And then the doctor writes more stuff down there, and he doesn't even look at my rash.
George: Why don't you find a doctor that doesn't know you're difficult?
Elaine: Oh, come on. I'm not difficult. I'm easy.
Jerry: Why, because you dress casual and sleep with a lot of guys?
Elaine: Listen to me you little shi...
George: Smile.

Quote from Newman

Newman: All right. All right. Then let me ask you this. Didn't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? Huh. I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define rarely.
Newman: Frequently.
Jerry: Are we about through here, Newman?
Newman: It's pretty hot under these lights, huh, Seinfeld? Pretty... Hot.
Jerry: [sips soda] Actually, I am quite comfortable.
Newman: Can I have a sip?
Jerry: No.

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Get in there, get the chart, get out. You got it?
Kramer: Yeah, let me borrow your scarf.
Elaine: This?
Kramer: Yeah. All right. One chart coming up.
Elaine: Okay.
Kramer: It's Bennett right?
Elaine: It's Benes, you jackass. My last name is Benes. [off Kramer's look] Yeah.

Quote from George

George: Can we go now?
Newman: Not so fast, pretty boy. There is more to this sordid little affair.
[Newman's colleague reveals George's raunchy photograph]
Jerry: Oh, my God!
Newman: This photo clearly indicates your involvement in some ill-conceived mail order pornography ring. As does this one, found in the same disturbing packet.
[The co-worker reveals a saucy photograph of the photo store guy]
George: Oh, my God!
Newman: We have some questions we'd like you to answer.
Jerry: I have some questions of my own.
Sheila: [enters] Hi. One of your mailmen... Oh my god, George!?!
George: Listen, Sheila, it's not what you think. I put my trust into the wrong person. He said the key word was tasteful. [runs after her]
Jerry: The timeless art of seduction.
George: Sheila!


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