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‘The Diplomat's Club’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Diplomat's Club

622. The Diplomat's Club

Aired May 4, 1995

Jerry's booking agent, Katie (guest star Debra Jo Rupp), thinks he's some big celebrity who needs to be pampered and have everything explained to him. Meanwhile, Mr. Pitt adds Elaine to his will, and George tries to show his boss that he has African-American friends.

Quote from George

Jerry: Maybe he looks a little like Sugar Ray Leonard.
George: A little? Come on.
Jerry: Well, you still shouldn't have said it.
George: You think Morgan thinks I have a racial bias?
Jerry: Maybe.
George: Boy, that is so unfair. I would've marched on Selma if it was in Long Island.
Jerry: So you would have marched on Great Neck?
George: Absolutely. I still might. I always hated those girls. They would never date me.

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: How about the little scam the airlines have going now with these special clubs? $150 a year to sit in a room, eat peanuts, drink coffee and soda, and read magazines. Excuse me, but isn't this the flight? I already got four hours of this coming to me. What am I paying for? How about an "I got all my luggage club"? Can I get into that club? Where is that club? I would like to join that club. Airlines love to divide us into classes. You know, like when you're sitting in coach, the stewardess always closes that stupid curtain. Always gives you that look, like, "Maybe if you would work a little harder..."

Quote from Newman

Newman: Okay, here it is.
Kramer: Good. (To Earl) Here's my collateral.
Earl: So it's a mailbag. So what?
Newman: So what? Do you know whose mailbag that is?
Earl: "David Berkowitz."
Newman: Son of Sam. The worst mass murderer the post office ever produced.
Earl: Where did you get this?
Newman: I took over his route. And boy, were there a lot of dogs on that route.
Earl: Any of them talking to you?
Newman: Just to tell me to keep off the snacks! [all laugh]
Earl: [to Kramer] Your buddy's a hell of a guy.
Kramer: Yeah, don't I know it.

Quote from George

George: Jerry, I need to borrow your camera.
Jerry: Why?
George: Well, I wanna put a picture of me and my boss Mr. Morgan up in the office.
Jerry: What for?
George: Well, he's reorganizing the staff, and I'm on thin ice with this guy as it is.
Jerry: Isn't putting this guy's picture on your desk a little transparent?
George: It better be.

Quote from George

George: I love this place. You know, Karl and I come here all the time.
Mr. Morgan: Is that right?
Karl: Yeah, I come here all the time. You wouldn't believe the rat droppings in the kitchen. [George spits out his food]
Mr. Morgan: Oh, so you really are an exterminator. This time, George, you've sunk to a new low. [exits]
George: Check, please.
African-American Waiter: Hey, Sugar Ray Leonard can eat here on the house.
George: Mr. Morgan! Did you hear that? Mr. Morgan!

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: So what are you doing about Morgan?
George: You know what would be great? If he could just see me with some of my black friends.
Jerry: Yeah, except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of us, you don't have any white friends either.

Quote from George

Jerry: Hey. Elaine's quitting.
George: Really?
Elaine: I'm marching in.
George: Ha. I've done the march in. Best feeling in the world.
Jerry: How about the march out?
George: Not as good. That's when you realize all the money you're losing.

Quote from George

George: [answers intercom] Hello, Joe?
Joe: Who is this?
George: It's me. George Costanza.
Joe: Who?
George: Remember I was here a while back? We watched Breakfast at Tiffany's together.
Joe: What do you want?
George: Well, I've rented another video, Joe. And there's some popcorn. I thought we could do it again.
Joe: Go away.
[Joe's daughter Remy walks into the building]
George: Remy. Hi.
Remy: You?!? What are you doing here?
George: Well, I got another Audrey Hepburn movie.
Joe: Remy, is that you?
Remy: Daddy, that man is here again.
Joe: Remy, I want you up here instantly.
George: You know, Remy, I was thinking. Last time we were together, you... [door slams]

Quote from Jerry

Katie: Jerry, listen, just so you know, before we take off they're gonna tell us what to do in the event of a crash.
Jerry: Yes, I know. I've flown before.
Katie: Oh, good. I just didn't want you to freak out. The chance of a crash is very slim. Do you have to go to the bathroom?
Jerry: No.
Katie: ... Because even if you have [Jerry gets up to go] to go a little you'd better go now because you won't get another chance until way after take off.

Quote from Jerry

Katie: It's a pretty full house. The lighting guy's name is Lew. He's got a birthday next week.
Jerry: I don't care.
Katie: By the way, Jerry, I don't want you to freak out, but the pilot is going to be in the audience.
Jerry: Who?
Katie: Remember the plane we took here? The pilot is going to be sitting out there watching the show.
Jerry: I don't care. Why are you telling me this?
Katie: I just didn't want you to freak out when you saw him.
Jerry: Why would I freak out? [to himself] Pilot?!
Man: [o.s.] Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand for Mr. Jerry Seinfeld!
Jerry: Hey, all right. Good afternoon, Ithaca. Welcome. Good to see you here. Boy, I'll tell you, there's an awful lot of those orange cones you have on the throughway... [sees the pilot] on the way... up here... Um... I... I... Um...

Quote from Jerry

Katie: It didn't go very well, did it?
Jerry: No, it didn't. And you know why? Seeing that pilot in the audience really freaked me out.
Katie: I knew it.
Jerry: If you hadn't mentioned anything, I would have been fine. I became obsessed with him.
Katie: Why did we invite him? Stupid, stupid. When he asked for a ticket, I should have said no. I'm gonna go chew him out.
Jerry: Oh, it doesn't matter now.
Katie: Don't worry, Jerry. I'm on top of this.
Jerry: Yeah, you're on top of it. And I'm on the bottom!

Quote from Jerry

Pilot: [over p.a.] Sorry for the delay, folks, there is a slight complication that we're taking care of, and then we'll be on our way to La Guardia...
Jerry: [to Katie] What is the complication?
Flight Attendant: Mr. Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yes?
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, but the pilot has asked that you leave this plane.
Jerry: What?
Flight Attendant: Apparently, he has some sort of problem with you.
Katie: I'm not surprised. I really let him have it, Jerry. He has no business being in your audience if you didn't want him there.
Jerry: I didn't care.
Flight Attendant: Well, now the pilot doesn't want you on his plane.
Jerry: Well, he can't just throw me off the plane!
Flight Attendant: Yes he can, if he has cause to believe a passenger will be a disturbance.
Jerry: But I'm not a disturbance!
Flight Attendant: Well, apparently you are disturbing him, sir.
Jerry: But someone is waiting for me!
Katie: Jerry, I don't want you to freak out.
Jerry: I'm freaking out! I am freaking out!

Quote from Jerry

Katie: There's a flight leaving at 8:00, and another one at 8:30, which one do you want?
Jerry: Which one do you think I want?
Katie: The 8:00 will get you in a little earlier.
Jerry: Then we'll make it the 8:00.
Katie: I'll book a hotel. Do you want a standard room or mini suite?
Jerry: Hotel?
Katie: Yeah, it's eight in the morning.
Jerry: No, no, no. I have to get home tonight. Bridget's gonna be waiting for me at the Diplomat's Club. Rent a car.
Katie: Mid-size, luxury, or sports model, what's your preference?
Jerry: I don't have a preference, okay! Just make a decision yourself, all right? Stop bothering me with every minor little detail, please?
Katie: [to herself] Okay, you're the big celebrity.

Quote from George

George: [on the phone] Hey, Jerry, how was Ithaca?
Jerry: I'm still here. Listen, you gotta go down to the Diplomat's Club.
George: Hey, Jerry, what was the name of the exterminator who fumigated your apartment when you had fleas?
Jerry: Karl, I think.
George: Karl. Yeah, he was a nice guy.
Jerry: Yeah, he was nice.
George: What company was it?
Jerry: Defend.
George: Yeah, you know we spoke for a little bit...
Jerry: You need an exterminator?
George: No, not really.
Jerry: Oh, don't tell me. Because he's black?
George: Gotta go.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: [wakes up] Where are we?
Katie: I'm not sure.
Jerry: Is this even a road?
Katie: Oh, we lost the road a half hour ago.
Jerry: What? Why didn't you wake me up?
Katie: You told me not to bother you with minor details.
Jerry: No road is a major detail!
Katie: Okay, now I know. Should I keep going or turn around, do you have a preference?
Jerry: Look out!

Quote from George

George: May I help you?
Karl: I'm the exterminator.
George: Oh, yes of course, come in.
Karl: Why didn't you want me to bring my equipment or wear my uniform?
George: Yes, well, if the other people in the office saw that I called an exterminator, they would just panic. Besides, this is sort of a friendly visit. Karl, right?
Karl: Do I know you?
George: Yeah, sure. We met at Jerry Seinfeld's apartment when you fumigated for fleas over there.
Karl: Seinfeld. Oh yeah, funny white guy, right?
George: Jerry? Yes, I suppose he is white. You know, I never really thought about it. I don't see people in terms of color. You know, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Hang on... [to intercom] Is Mr. Morgan in?
Woman: [over intercom] Mr. Morgan left for dinner.
George: He left? Huh. Karl, you hungry?

Quote from George

George: Oh, by the way, order anything you want, it's all on me. Just do me a tiny favor: pretend we're old friends. Oh, my God! Mr. Morgan! What a coincidence, it's Mr. Morgan. Mr. Morgan, I want you to meet a dear old friend of mine, Karl.
Karl: I'm the exterminator.
George: That's what we used to call him in high school, The Exterminator. He's a linebacker. Oh, boy. Oh, did we have some wild times.

Quote from Kramer

Earl: Well, that Newman was your good luck charm.
Kramer: Yeah, he was.
Earl: I should have quit at double or nothing. Traveler's checks acceptable?
Kramer: Oh, I accept.


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