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‘The Gum’ Quotes Page 1 of 3    

Seinfeld: The Gum

710. The Gum

Aired December 14, 1995

George obsesses about being short-changed by the cashier at Monks. Meanwhile, Kramer helps revive an old theater.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, it's the latest offering from the Alex Theater.
Jerry: That stinky old movie-house?
Kramer: Well, you should smell it now. We fixed up the place.
George: With Spartacus?
Kramer: Well, it's a rare archival print. Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Jeffrey Haarwood.
Jerry: Jeffrey who?
Kramer: Haarwood, Jerry. He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating insights into the production.
George: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. It's not a liquid, it's not a solid, it's not a
food. What is it? It isn't really anything, you know. I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? And when you were a kid, you'd think, "What is the big deal?" But, as an adult, I can understand it, because when you're chewing gum, you don't look like you're too thrilled with anything anyone has to say. "Oh, World War Two. That was an important historical event? Yeah, I'm sure." "They landed a man on the moon in 1969? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach."

Quote from George

George: Hey, Mr Lazzari.
Pop Lazzari: Back in the old neighborhood, eh?
George: Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents to my folks.
Pop Lazzari: Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron?
George: Yeah, '83. Used to belong to John Voight.
Pop Lazzari: The actor, right?
George: Something like that.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: The Alex was built in 1922, during the golden era of movie palaces. Minor restorations in 1941, '47, '52, '58, '63, and currently to our present period of time.
Elaine: Boy, you're really getting into this aren't you?
Kramer: Yes. Yes, I am.

Quote from George

Deena: You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again.
George: Well, you know. It's understandable.
Deena: I'm glad you feel that way. Because since my father's breakdown I've become very sensitive to the warning signs.
George: Warning signs?
Deena: Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.
George: What?! Wh- What are you talking about? I'm not the one with the problem. Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me.
Deena: Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.
George: All my friends do that.
Deena: George, I'm only trying to help. [George gets distracted by Ruthie Cohen going by on a horse] I'm... I'm concerned. George? George, are you listening to me?
George: You see that woman on the horse? She stole twenty dollars from me. Yeah, I might've gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!
Deena: So again it all comes back to Lloyd.
George: Hey! Hey, you! [runs after her] Come back here! Don't gallop away! I'm on to you!

Quote from George

George: Oh, hello, it's you! Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars. [chuckles] You're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you Ruthie?
Ruthie Cohen: Your car's on fire.
George: Aah! Fire!
Ruthie Cohen: Merry Christmas!

Quote from George

Kramer: You're really helping me out with this, buddy. Kids are gonna be so thrilled.
George: Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick.
Kramer: Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing.
George: Oh, I'm gonna give you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get a pack of gum here. [at the stand] Can I get a pack of gum, please?
Newstand Owner: I beg your pardon, your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president.
George: What? Huh, so I had it all along. How d'you like that? [snorts] I guess I owe that cashier an apology.
[Deena walks down the street and sees George in the Henry VIII costume]
Deena: Oh my God!
George: No, no. Deena, it's not what you think. Th... This isn't mine. I got it from the Institute. The Institute!

Quote from George

Deena: So, you want my father to pay for this?
George: You saw him. He was fiddling with the engine. God knows what he did there.
Deena: And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too.
George: No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.
Deena: What cashier?
George: You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot.
Deena: To park her horse?
George: No, she wasn't on the horse.
Deena: So, your car caught fire because of my father and the woman on the horse?
George: That's right.
George: [points to florist] And him!
Deena: The man with the flowers?
George: Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, I know this all sounds a little crazy, but...
[A car pulls up on the road]
George: I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry Seinfeld.
Deena: Who?
George: Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can explain all of this. [calls to Jerry] Jerry.
[Jerry turns and looks but, since he's wearing those thick glasses, all he sees are colored blobs]
George: Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!
[The car pulls away]
George: Jerry, where are you going? It's... What're...
Deena: That was your best friend?
George: Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.
Deena: That man was wearing glasses.
George: I know. But don't you see? He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: What is Lloyd's problem?
Kramer: Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.
Elaine: Uh, I got sprayed with a hose.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre, not one of your swing joints.

Quote from Jerry

George: You think she's happy?
Jerry: Who?
George: The cashier.
Jerry: Ruthie Cohen?
George: You know her name?
Jerry: Sure.
George: I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
Jerry: Maybe that's why she's happy.

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