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‘The Gum’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Gum

710. The Gum

Aired December 14, 1995

George obsesses about being short-changed by the cashier at Monks. Meanwhile, Kramer helps revive an old theater.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Well, it's the latest offering from the Alex Theater.
Jerry: That stinky old movie-house?
Kramer: Well, you should smell it now. We fixed up the place.
George: With Spartacus?
Kramer: Well, it's a rare archival print. Twelve extra minutes, full wide-screen CinemaScope, and if you come to the one o'clock show, you can hear Jeffrey Haarwood.
Jerry: Jeffrey who?
Kramer: Haarwood, Jerry. He was the assistant wardrobe man on Spartacus. Some fascinating insights into the production.
George: Why would I spend seven dollars to see a movie that I could watch on TV?
Kramer: Well, why go to a fine restaurant, when you can just stick something in the microwave? Why go to the park and fly a kite, when you can just pop a pill?

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Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. It's not a liquid, it's not a solid, it's not a
food. What is it? It isn't really anything, you know. I mean, it's like a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? And when you were a kid, you'd think, "What is the big deal?" But, as an adult, I can understand it, because when you're chewing gum, you don't look like you're too thrilled with anything anyone has to say. "Oh, World War Two. That was an important historical event? Yeah, I'm sure." "They landed a man on the moon in 1969? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach."

Quote from George

George: Hey, Mr Lazzari.
Pop Lazzari: Back in the old neighborhood, eh?
George: Yeah, yeah. Just delivering some presents to my folks.
Pop Lazzari: Oh, snazzy car. Le Baron?
George: Yeah, '83. Used to belong to John Voight.
Pop Lazzari: The actor, right?
George: Something like that.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: The Alex was built in 1922, during the golden era of movie palaces. Minor restorations in 1941, '47, '52, '58, '63, and currently to our present period of time.
Elaine: Boy, you're really getting into this aren't you?
Kramer: Yes. Yes, I am.

Quote from George

Deena: You're probably wondering why I wanted to see you again.
George: Well, you know. It's understandable.
Deena: I'm glad you feel that way. Because since my father's breakdown I've become very sensitive to the warning signs.
George: Warning signs?
Deena: Nervousness, irritability, paranoia.
George: What?! Wh- What are you talking about? I'm not the one with the problem. Lloyd Braun was in the nuthouse, not me.
Deena: Yet again, taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others.
George: All my friends do that.
Deena: George, I'm only trying to help. [George gets distracted by Ruthie Cohen going by on a horse] I'm... I'm concerned. George? George, are you listening to me?
George: You see that woman on the horse? She stole twenty dollars from me. Yeah, I might've gotten it back, but Lloyd Braun interfered!
Deena: So again it all comes back to Lloyd.
George: Hey! Hey, you! [runs after her] Come back here! Don't gallop away! I'm on to you!

Quote from George

George: Oh, hello, it's you! Listen lady, I got six minutes left on that meter, and I'm not budging til you admit you stole my twenty dollars. [chuckles] You're not so tough when you're not on your horse, are you Ruthie?
Ruthie Cohen: Your car's on fire.
George: Aah! Fire!
Ruthie Cohen: Merry Christmas!

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: What is Lloyd's problem?
Kramer: Look, honey, I know you're trying to get Lloyd to notice you, but this is too much. Parading around in a wet T-shirt.
Elaine: Uh, I got sprayed with a hose.
Kramer: Yeah, well, I'm sorry, but the Alex is a family theatre, not one of your swing joints.

Quote from George

Deena: So, you want my father to pay for this?
George: You saw him. He was fiddling with the engine. God knows what he did there.
Deena: And I suppose Lloyd Braun had something to do with it too.
George: No, not Lloyd Braun. But the cashier.
Deena: What cashier?
George: You remember the woman on the horse? She wanted my spot.
Deena: To park her horse?
George: No, she wasn't on the horse.
Deena: So, your car caught fire because of my father and the woman on the horse?
George: That's right.
George: [points to florist] And him!
Deena: The man with the flowers?
George: Yeah, yeah, the flower guy. Listen, I know this all sounds a little crazy, but...
[A car pulls up on the road]
George: I can't believe it. Look, that's Jerry Seinfeld.
Deena: Who?
George: Jerry Seinfeld. My best friend. He can explain all of this. [calls to Jerry] Jerry.
[Jerry turns and looks but, since he's wearing those thick glasses, all he sees are colored blobs]
George: Jerry! Over here Jerry. It's me!
[The car pulls away]
George: Jerry, where are you going? It's... What're...
Deena: That was your best friend?
George: Yeah, yeah, but he doesn't wear glasses.
Deena: That man was wearing glasses.
George: I know. But don't you see? He was doing it to fool Lloyd Braun!

Quote from George

Kramer: You're really helping me out with this, buddy. Kids are gonna be so thrilled.
George: Yeah, yeah. You really cashed in on that favor pretty quick.
Kramer: Remember, you're a king, you must project a Royal bearing.
George: Oh, I'm gonna give you a Royal bearing. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get a pack of gum here. [at the stand] Can I get a pack of gum, please?
Newstand Owner: I beg your pardon, your majesty, but we don't accept bills with lipstick on the president.
George: What? Huh, so I had it all along. How d'you like that? [snorts] I guess I owe that cashier an apology.
[Deena walks down the street and sees George in the Henry VIII costume]
Deena: Oh my God!
George: No, no. Deena, it's not what you think. Th... This isn't mine. I got it from the Institute. The Institute!

Quote from Jerry

George: You think she's happy?
Jerry: Who?
George: The cashier.
Jerry: Ruthie Cohen?
George: You know her name?
Jerry: Sure.
George: I don't think I've ever spoken to her.
Jerry: Maybe that's why she's happy.

Quote from Kramer

George: Lloyd Braun? What do you have to meet him for?
Kramer: Well, he's using his connections in the Mayor's office, to uh, get the theater landmark status.
Jerry: I thought he screwed up the Dinkins campaign.
Kramer: Well, he did. You know, after that, he had a nervous breakdown? Had to spend a few months in an institution.
George: Really?
Kramer: Yeah, but he's doing a lot better now. I've taken him under my wing.
Jerry: Oh, then I'm not worried.

Quote from Jerry

Lloyd: Gum?
Jerry: That's an interesting package.
Lloyd: Yeah, it's from China. Go ahead, try a piece. Tell me that's not the most delicious gum you've ever tasted.
Kramer: Yes, yes. We shall all try a piece and tell you how delicious it is.
Lloyd: George?
George: I don't chew gum.
Jerry: Mmm, different. Where'd you get it?
Lloyd: A friend of mine in Chinatown gave it to me. If you want I can ask him where he got it.
Jerry: Nah, don't bother.
Lloyd: No, it's no problem.
Jerry: I don't want it.
Kramer: Jerry, Jerry. Lloyd says it's no problem. He's capable of locating the gum.
Jerry: All right.
Kramer: Mmm, delicious. This is delicious. Mmm.

Quote from Jerry

George: Hey.
Jerry: I think I finally figured out what the flavor is in this gum. It's a little lo meiny. [spits it out]
Elaine: What kind is that?
Jerry: It's Chinese gum. Lloyd Braun gave it to me.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Lloyd Braun? How's he doing?
George: After Dinkins lost the election, he had a complete nervous breakdown. They had to lock him up.
Elaine: You know, that's around the same time I broke up with Lloyd. Y... You don't think that I had anything to do with his breakdown, do you?
Jerry: You know, I remember when we parted company, I was babbling incoherently for months.
Elaine: Yeah? Well, I got news for you.

Quote from George

George: The whole time that I was growing up, all I ever heard from my mother was "Why can't you be more like that Lloyd Braun?"
Jerry: And in the end Lloyd Braun became more like you.
George: [snaps his fingers]

Quote from Elaine

Lloyd: Kramer tell you? We reserved some special seats, so we can all sit together.
Elaine: Oh, well... I, uh... Actually, Lloyd, Jerry and I have to sit in the front row, um.... because, uh... because... Because he forgot his glasses. So, uh, thanks for getting us... Um, we'll see you afterwards. [Jerry and Elaine exit]
Lloyd: That was odd. Am I crazy, or does Jerry not wear glasses?
Kramer: You're not crazy. Jerry does wear glasses. He just forgot them, that's all. [puts an arm round Lloyd's shoulder] Not crazy.

Quote from George

Deena: Poor Lloyd.
George: I know. Completely bonkers!
Deena: Sorry I can't be so flip about this kind of thing. You know, after what happened to Pop?
George: Pop? What happened to Pop?
Deena: I thought you heard. He had a nervous breakdown last year. That's why I'm taking care of him.
Pop: [lifts head from under the hood of the car] Oh, I tell you, they don't build them like this any more.
George: He, uh, he doesn't have the auto shop anymore?
Deena: Uh, no, it was too much for him.
George: Um, I, I gotta go.
Deena: What?
George: I just remembered, I gotta be someplace. That's enough. Pop. Pop, put down the wrench, Pop.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Yeah, put these glasses on.
Jerry: What's this for?
Kramer: Yeah, well Lloyd, he's gonna be here any minute now.
Jerry: So what?
Kramer: Well, he thinks you wear those. They're from the lost and found at the Alex.
Jerry: Oh, come on, Kramer, this is ridiculous. I'm not gonna put these on.
Kramer: Oh. Okay. So he'll just think that the two of you didn't sit with him on purpose. Yeah, that's very nice. Very nice.

Quote from George

George: Excuse me. I was in here this morning and, uh, I believe I paid you with a twenty dollar bill, but you only gave me change for a ten.
Ruthie Cohen: I don't think so.
George: Oh, I think so, and I can prove it. You see, I was doodling on the bill and uh, so if you have a twenty in there with big lips on it... well, that's mine. Would you mind opening up the register?
Ruthie Cohen: Not unless you buy something.
George: Fine, I'll buy a pack of gum.
Lloyd: Hey George. Thought you didn't chew gum?
George: I don't.
Ruthie Cohen: Take a look.
George: [thumbs through notes] I know I gave it to you.
Lloyd: George, would you mind? I'm kind of in a hurry.
George: Fine. Fine. Excuse me. Think I'm gonna forget about this? I haven't forgotten about this. I don't forget that easily!

Quote from George

Jerry: So you say she was on a horse?
George: I'm telling you, that cashier is riding horses on my money.
Jerry: Well, here's what I propose. Go down to the stables, snoop around. See if any high-flying cashier's been throwing twenty dollar bills around with big lips.

Quote from George

Kramer: Jeez! What happened to your car, buddy?
George: The Jon Voight car is no more.
Kramer: Wow. Well, don't you sweat it. You can use my car any time you want to.
George: No kidding?
Kramer: No kidding.
George: Hey, thanks. I owe you a big one.
Kramer: Yeah, merry Christmas.
George: Whatever.

Quote from Kramer

Lloyd: I'd like a hotdog, please.
Attendant: Are you outta your mind?
Kramer: Wh- Wh- Wh- What's the problem here?
Attendant: This hotdog's been here since the silent era. You'd have to be insane to eat it.
Kramer: No, no, no, no, no. This man is not insane. Now, there's nothing wrong with it or you.
Lloyd: Kramer, maybe...
Kramer: No, no, no, no. I'll show you. [drops bill] One hotdog please.
Attendant: Okay.
Kramer: Mmm, doesn't that smell good, huh? [takes hot dog] Yeah, here we go, yeah. [takes a big bite] Mmm, oh. That's delicious. Mmm. It's a perfectly sane food to eat. [another bite] hotdog. Umm, interesting texture. It's chewy. [half-cough, half-retch] I gotta get, some air.

Quote from Jerry

Lloyd: Here you go.
Jerry: All this?
Lloyd: Yeah. A hundred dollar's worth.
Jerry: I gave you a hundred dollars?!
Lloyd: You sure did. Am I crazy, or is that a lot of gum?
Jerry: It's a lot of gum!

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Mr Haarwood. I found your glasses.
Haarwood: Oh, splendid. Welcome to the Institute for the Preservation of Motion Picture Costumes and Wardrobe.
Kramer: The I.P.M.P.C.W.
Haarwood: We prefer to call it the Institute.
Kramer: Is that from Henry the Eighth?
Haarwood: Yes, yes, it is.
Kramer: Well, you know, we're screening that tonight at the Alex. Do you think that I could wear that to promote the theatre?
Haarwood: Well, I... I'd love to lend it to you, but I doubt if it would fit a man of your impressive, Raymond Massey-like, physique. The only person who could really fit into this costume, would have to be a short, stocky, man of somewhat generous proportions.
Kramer: You don't say.

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: You know, that button looks very familiar.
Haarwood: Yes, it, it, it's antique ivory.
Elaine: I, I think that's my button. You know, I've been looking all over for it. Did, did you find it here?
Haarwood: Yes, it was in the lost and found.
Elaine: Shall I undo it?
Haarwood: Oh yes, of course you can.
Elaine: Oh, thank you.
Haarwood: I'm a little ticklish.
Elaine: Oh. [giggly] Tickle, tickle.
Lloyd: [to Kramer] We've really gotta get the Elaine a boyfriend.
Kramer: Oh, tell me about it.


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