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‘The Puffy Shirt’ Quotes

Seinfeld: The Puffy Shirt

502. The Puffy Shirt

Aired September 23, 1993

Jerry inadvertently agrees to go on TV in a "puffy shirt" designed by Kramer's "low-talker" girlfriend. After George moves in with his parents, his life finally starts to look up when he's scouted as hand model.

Quote from Jerry

Bryant Gumbel: Look, I'm sorry, it is just a very unusual shirt. It could be, kind of, a whole new look for you. You could put a patch over an eye. You could be the pirate comedian.
Jerry: Yeah.
Bryant Gumbel: Will you wear the puffy shirt at the..?
Jerry: Look, it's not my shirt.
Bryant Gumbel: Whose shirt is it?
Jerry: What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it. I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.
Leslie: [o.s., loudly] You bastard!
Bryant Gumbel: Did you hear that?
Jerry: That I heard.

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Quote from Jerry

Bryant Gumbel: Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries, a used clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, good morning.
Jerry: Thank you, Bryant.
Bryant Gumbel: And speaking of clothing , that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.
Jerry: Oh, thank you.
Bryant Gumbel: You're all kinda.. Aall kinda "puffed up". [chuckles]
Jerry: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: I knew it. I knew it. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?
Frank Costanza: Who the hell did you ever mention his hands to?
Estelle Costanza: I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!
Frank Costanza: You never mentioned them to me!
George: Hand me an Emory board.
Estelle Costanza: I always talk about your hands. How they're so soft and milky white.
Frank Costanza: No! You never said milky white!
Estelle Costanza: I said milky white!

Quote from George

George: How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me. They're insane. You know that.
Jerry: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents.
George: How can you compare you parents to my parents?!
Jerry: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!
George: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!
Jerry: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.
George: Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went 'Ha!'
Jerry: A smirk?
George: Maybe! And I'm moving back in there!

Quote from George

George: What happened to him?
Man: [clears throat] Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world, but none could match the beauty of his own hand. And that became his one true love. [long pause]
George: You mean, uh..?
Man: Yes. He was not master of his domain.
George: But how..?
Man: The muscles became so strained with overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. He traveled the world seeking a cure. Acupuncturists., herbalists, swamis, nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's until today. You are his successor. I.. only hope you have a little more self-control.
George: You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest.

Quote from Jerry

George: What are you doing later?
Jerry: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going, "Excuse me?", "What was that?"

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track. There is no way you could fake this, even. "Yeah, things are great. I met a terrific girl, I got a great job, I'm making a lot of money, and if everything goes according to plan, I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon." It's like getting busted on a parole violation and thrown back into the slammer. "In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation I'm afraid." And you go back into that little room of yours, you feel so huge. It's like you could take your bed and just crush it in your hands. You can hold your parents between your fingers going, "Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?"

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: It didn't do me any good either. That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles
were really uncalled for. "Avast ye, matey"? What the hell does that mean? "Twenty degrees off the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon." There's no comeback for that.

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why do we always have to say, "Excuse me", when we can't hear what someone's saying? Why are we so guilty and so apologetic? "Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry." Why can't, just once, I go: "Nope. Not loud enough"? Why can't I do that? Just once I would like to have the guts... You know, to make that judgment. Someone mumbles something, and you go, "Your fault. I'm not sorry, because it's your fault."

Quote from George

Jerry: I told you I'd lend you the money for the rent.
George: No, no, no, no. Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: So, how are you, Jerry?
Jerry: Fine, Mrs. Costanza. Hey, I got a terrific joke for you..
Estelle Costanza: Nah, not interested.
Jerry: No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys-
Estelle Costanza: Tell it to the audience.

Quote from Estelle Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Here, I made some bologna sandwiches.
George: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!
Estelle Costanza: What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich.
Jerry: No thanks.
Estelle Costanza: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?
Kramer: Uh, no thanks.
Estelle Costanza: I think you're all a little touched in the head. You're so worried about your health. You're young men.
Jerry: I really don't eat it.
Estelle Costanza: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building?
Jerry: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.

Quote from George

Jerry: They're hands!
George: This woman just set me up for a job.
Jerry: Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands.
George: What, are you kidding? The knuckles are all out of proportion. you got hair over there. Where do you get off comparing your hands to my hands?! This is a one-in-a-million hand.
Jerry: Well, that's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie: [shouting] You ruined me! You ruined my career!
Jerry: Oh, just keep your voice down, everyone can hear you.
Leslie: Well, I don't give a damn!
Jerry: You know, if you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume in the first place.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: You know that, uh, Leslie, is in the clothing business? She's a designer.
Elaine: Oh?
Kramer: In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in mens fashions.. It's a, a puffy shirt. [Leslie mumbles to Kramer] Well, yeah, it... It's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.
Elaine: Oh, a puffy shirt.
Jerry: Puffy.
Kramer: Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it. To be all puffy, and devil-may-care.
[As Leslie starts talking quietly, Kramer laughs. Jerry and Elaine are still confused.]
Kramer: [laughing] That's true. [gets up] I'll be right back.

Quote from Frank Costanza

Estelle Costanza: Maybe you should take a civil service test.
George: I'm not taking a civil service test.
Frank Costanza: Look at this, George. You ever seen a silver dollar?
George: Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.
Elaine: Why don't you want to take a civil service test?
George: To do what?! Work in the post office? Is that what you want me to do?
Frank Costanza: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection?
Estelle Costanza: I don't understand. You get job security. You get a pay check every week.
George: I'm a college graduate. You want me to be a mailman?
Frank Costanza: You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a... phobia.
Estelle Costanza: So what are you gonna do?!
George: I don't know. I do know that I have some kind of a talent. Something to offer. I just don't know what it is yet!
Frank Costanza: I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today. [does trick with the coin]
George: Oh, my God.

Quote from George

Estelle Costanza: Georgie. Georgie, would you like some Jell-O?
Frank Costanza: Why'd you put the bananas in there?!
Estelle Costanza: George likes the bananas!
Frank Costanza: So let him have bananas on the side!
George: All right, please! Please! I cannot have this constant bickering! Stress is very damaging to the epidermis! Now, I have an important photo session in the morning. My hands have got to be in tip-top shape. So please, keep the television down, and the conversation to a minimum.
Estelle Costanza: [quietly] But Georgie, what about the Jell-O?
George: I'll take it in my room.

Quote from Kramer

Kramer: Now, that's a great looking shirt. Aye Captain! Yeah. I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. Look at it. It's fantastic.
Jerry: Kramer, how am I gonna wear this?! I can't wear this!
Kramer: Hey, this look's better than anything you own. You know, in two months time, everybody's gonna be wearing the pirate look. Aye!

Quote from Elaine

Elaine: Well, you can't wear that on the show.
Kramer: Elaine, you want to stop?
Elaine: Wha- What? No. Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to clothe the homeless people. You can't come out dressed like that. You're all puffed up! You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.
Jerry: I have to wear it! The woman has orders for this shirt based on me wearing it on TV. They're producing them as we speak.
Elaine: But you're supposed to be a compassionate person that cares about poor people. You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier!

Quote from George

George: [laughing] Nice shirt. What is this? Is this what you wore on the show?
Jerry: Yeah.
George: What, have you completely lost your mind?
Kramer: Hey.
George: Who's dressing you? You look like a complete idiot. I wouldn't wipe my...
[An aggrieved Leslie stands up and pushes George, sending him hurtling hand-first into a steaming iron]
George: [screams]

Quote from Kramer

Elaine: Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee.
Kramer: You know, all those stores canceled out on her. She's finished. We're finished.
Jerry: Really? What happened?
Kramer: I just can't be with someone whose life is in complete disarray.

Quote from Jerry

Homeless Man: [pirate talk] Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?
Jerry: You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt.


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