Bryant Gumbel: Look, I'm sorry, it is just a very unusual shirt. It could be, kind of, a whole new look for you. You could put a patch over an eye. You could be the pirate comedian.
Jerry: Yeah.
Bryant Gumbel: Will you wear the puffy shirt at the..?
Jerry: Look, it's not my shirt.
Bryant Gumbel: Whose shirt is it?
Jerry: What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it. I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.
Leslie: [o.s., loudly] You bastard!
Bryant Gumbel: Did you hear that?
Jerry: That I heard.

Bryant Gumbel: Back now, 7:46. On Tuesday the 19th here in New York there will be a benefit for the Goodwill Industries, a used clothing organization that provides service to the needy. One of the performers will be comedian Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry, good morning.
Jerry: Thank you, Bryant.
Bryant Gumbel: And speaking of clothing , that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.
Jerry: Oh, thank you.
Bryant Gumbel: You're all kinda.. All kinda "puffed up". [chuckles]
Jerry: Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.

Estelle Costanza: I knew it. I knew it. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands?
Frank Costanza: Who the hell did you ever mention his hands to?
Estelle Costanza: I mentioned his hands to plenty of people!
Frank Costanza: You never mentioned them to me!
George: Hand me an Emory board.
Estelle Costanza: I always talk about your hands. How they're so soft and milky white.
Frank Costanza: No! You never said milky white!
Estelle Costanza: I said milky white!

George: How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me. They're insane. You know that.
Jerry: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents.
George: How can you compare you parents to my parents?!
Jerry: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever!
George: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers!
Jerry: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.
George: Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went 'Ha!'
Jerry: A smirk?
George: Maybe! And I'm moving back in there!

George: What happened to him?
Man: [clears throat] Tragic story, I'm afraid. He could've had any woman in the world, but none could match the beauty of his own hand. And that became his one true love. [long pause]
George: You mean, uh..?
Man: Yes. He was not master of his domain.
George: But how..?
Man: The muscles became so strained with overuse, that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position, and he was left with nothing but a claw. He traveled the world seeking a cure. Acupuncturists., herbalists, swamis, nothing helped. Towards the end, his hands became so frozen the was unable to manipulate utensils, and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him. I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's until today. You are his successor. I.. only hope you have a little more self-control.
George: You don't have to worry about me. I won a contest.

George: What are you doing later?
Jerry: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend.
George: Really?
Jerry: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going, "Excuse me?", "What was that?"

[stand-up:]
Jerry: There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track. There is no way you could fake this, even. "Yeah, things are great. I met a terrific girl, I got a great job, I'm making a lot of money, and if everything goes according to plan, I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon." It's like getting busted on a parole violation and thrown back into the slammer. "In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation I'm afraid." And you go back into that little room of yours, you feel so huge. It's like you could take your bed and just crush it in your hands. You can hold your parents between your fingers going, "Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?"

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why do we always have to say, "Excuse me", when we can't hear what someone's saying? Why are we so guilty and so apologetic? "Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry." Why can't, just once, I go: "Nope. Not loud enough"? Why can't I do that? Just once I would like to have the guts... You know, to make that judgment. Someone mumbles something, and you go, "Your fault. I'm not sorry, because it's your fault."

Jerry: It didn't do me any good either. That benefit was the worst show I ever did. Some of those heckles
were really uncalled for. "Avast ye, matey"? What the hell does that mean? "Twenty degrees off the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon." There's no comeback for that.

Estelle Costanza: Here, I made some bologna sandwiches.
George: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore!
Estelle Costanza: What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich.
Jerry: No thanks.
Estelle Costanza: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer?
Kramer: Uh, no thanks.
Estelle Costanza: I think you're all a little touched in the head. You're so worried about your health. You're young men.
Jerry: I really don't eat it.
Estelle Costanza: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building?
Jerry: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.