Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!

Martin: Wait, wait, wait. What are you doing?
Daphne: I'm mashing the potatoes.
Martin: By hand? You're supposed to whip potatoes, that way every bite tastes the same.
Daphne: Isn't that a bit bland?
Martin: Hello? Welcome to potatoes!

Roz: We have Gretchen calling back about her husband's affair. She thinks she has more evidence.
Frasier: Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.
Gretchen: "Oh, Dr. Crane. I took Roz's advice and gave my husband two choices for dinner, and he picked the diet plate!"
Frasier: But that is no proof that he's having an affair.
Gretchen: But Gunnar has a healthy appetite!
Frasier: No, no, the proof is-is phone bills, uh, credit card receipts- Gunnar?
Gretchen: I also found a love letter he wrote to her.
Frasier: And how long were you going to keep that a secret, Gretchen? Come on, work with me here. What does it say?
Gretchen: "Mein kleiner Leberknodel,"
Frasier: I-I'm sorry, I don't speak German.
Gretchen: It means, "my little liver dumpling." That used to be his pet name for me.
Frasier: Well, maybe he's writing to you.
Gretchen: "It can't be me. He says he loves her beautiful little body, as thin as his sword, and her skin as white as bratwurst, and that she's his nicht ganz menschliche Frau."
Frasier: What is that?
Gretchen: "I don't know if there's a word in English. The closest translation is, 'not quite human woman.'"
Frasier: Oh, dear God, it is her!

Frasier: So, you know about Hobo Casserole?
Kelly: Oh, I make it on my show.
Frasier: Oh, I get so many of my recipes from your show that I've forgotten which are mine and which are yours.
Kelly: Ah, now don't tell me that's potato chip salad?
Frasier: Uh-oh, this is embarrassing.
Kelly: So, you really are a fan of the show, huh?
Frasier: Guilty. I especially admire your work on the Christmas Parade.
Kelly: Oh, you really want this, don't you?
Frasier: Oh, Gosh, I do. I really do.