Best ‘Frasier’ Quotes Page 1 of 25
Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!
Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.
Niles: So, now you've met the whole Crane clan.
Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
Niles: Oh, that must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.
Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!
Roger: "Well, I had a really good year, so I decided, hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted, a 48ft cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me, 300 grand. Not to mention the $20,000 for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: My wife wants to call this incredible vessel 'Lullubelle', after her mother. 'Lullubelle!' So, I say no, we call it 'The Intrepid'. So, what do you think it should be called, 'Lullubelle' or 'The Intrepid'?"
Frasier: Roger. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
Frasier: Dear God! Have we lost our minds?
Nanette: Frasier, do you know how bored I am being "Nanny Gee." How trapped I feel...
Frasier: You have a wonderful career.
Nanette: But nothing ever changes. Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.
Frasier: So that's it? All this work, just to find out that I have a fear of rejection?
Lilith: That's right.
Frasier: So I'm alone... because I'm afraid to be alone?!
Frasier: Just read it. Scott Alexander, what's he been up to?
Daphne: Wife, kids, has his own computer software business.
Frasier: Nancy Kearns.
Daphne: Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.
Frasier: Ah, a cure for cancer. Won't they be green with envy when I trump them all with this little story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning!
Niles: Oh, well, I'm- I'm stunned of course. The idea that Maris actually killed someone.
Frasier: Well, we've all seen her murder many a lively dinner party.
Martin: That's terrible.
Frasier: Oh, come on, I'm joking. And haven't I earned the right to my gallows humor? After all, are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead?