Gertrude: It's a bloody miracle we're here in one piece what with the way you drive.
Roz: I'm better at it when someone's not screaming in my ear.
Gertrude: Well, in my day people didn't drive so recklessly. Do you know why?
Alice: Is it because you rode dinosaurs?
Gertrude: You should talk to your daughter.
Roz: [to Alice, after Gertrude storms off] When we get home, you're getting ice cream.

Judge Stern: Is this everybody?
Niles: Yes.
Judge Stern: Let's get started. We come here today to unite this man and this woman in marriage. I understand Daphne and Niles have composed vows that are especially significant to them. Niles.
Niles: [listlessly] Uh, I, Niles Crane take you, Daphne Moon, to be my wife. I, I vow to you my, my fidelity and support, honor, respect, uh, honesty, protection, and support. You are my comfort and joy and, oh, shoot, there's one more.
Daphne: One true love.
Niles: One true love. That's right. Okay, you go.
Daphne: "Okay, you go"? I, Daphne Moon, do... I'm sorry, this is wrong. I can't stand here and rattle off a bunch of words that don't mean anything anymore. I can't go through with this.
Donny: Yes! I knew it! Now you know what it's like to have the love of your life dump you at the altar! And good luck trying to find somebody as good, because she just ain't out there!

Martin: Oh, you're lucky. I always wanted to go to Bora Bora.
Niles: Oh, it's going to be fantastic, Dad. We're staying in a thatched hut built out over the water. In the middle of the floor, there's a window where you can look straight down to the bottom of the ocean.
Martin: Well, I hope it's not too deep. When we went to the top of the Space Needle and you looked down, you got sick.
Niles: Dad!
Martin: All over that poor Japanese tour group.
Niles: Dad!
Martin: And when I yelled down to warn them, they just looked up.
Niles: That was three years ago!

Daphne: Where's Alice?
Roz: Oh, upset stomach. On the way home yesterday she snacked on the leftover petals in her basket. So, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to join you for dinner.
Niles: We understand.
Gertrude: Explain it to me then. What sort of child eats roses? 'Tisn't normal.
Roz: You could have stopped her you know.
Gertrude: Not the way she was noshing them up, I couldn't. Like a wood chipper, she was.
Roz: All right.
Gertrude: The incredible beaver baby.

Judge Anderson: If I may...
Frasier: I'll handle this, Your Honor. Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee that this will not be a Godless union. For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
Gertrude: No. He lives at the church.

Niles: We're having a civil ceremony.
Gertrude: Without a minister? Out of the question.
Daphne: Mum!
Gertrude: That's enough, Daphne. I am your mother and I will not bear witness to a Godless union.
Martin: Gertrude, I was in favor of a church wedding, too. But this is their day, not ours. Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.
Gertrude: If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church.

Gertrude: When you're ready to have a proper wedding, you know where to find me. [exits]
Frasier: That we do! On your fiery throne presiding over the damned!

Frasier: Niles, may I have a word with you?
Niles: Mmm-hmm. Excuse me.
Frasier: What the hell's going on? You guys already got married.
Niles: Yes, but she doesn't know that. So, tomorrow we're going to have another ceremony for her benefit.
Frasier: That's crazy.
Niles: It may be, but I'm afraid the truth would crush her.
Frasier: Oh, please. All the wine presses in Bordeaux wouldn't crush that woman.

Daphne: I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband. I promise you my fidelity and my support, my laughter and my tears, my constant friendship and my unending love as long as we both shall live.
Niles: I, Niles Crane, do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife. I vow to you my fidelity and my support, my honor and my respect, my honesty and my protection. You are my comfort, my joy, and my one true love. I will cherish you all the days of my life and treasure the journey that has brought us to this most wonderful perfect place.

Niles: Wow, you certainly don't see six and a half karat gold every day.