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Leapin' Lizards

‘Leapin' Lizards’

Season 3, Episode 4 - Aired October 31, 1995

Frasier is fed up of being the butt of Bulldog's pranks.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's favorite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector".
Kate: Afraid of the competition?
Frasier: I am a doctor, I went ... to medical school. I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
Kate: You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are "filled to the brim with girlish glee." I think the H.M.S. Pinafore of embarrassment has sailed.

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Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Yes, I've tried dealing with this problem on my own but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks.
Kate: I heard.
Frasier: Yes, well I did not spend eight grueling years at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jackass.
Kate: Shameless.
Frasier: Oh, he's beyond shameless!
Kate: I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater, too, some day. When it's accredited.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it."

Quote from Bulldog

Frasier: [answering the telephone] Hello?
Bulldog: [posh voice] Hello, this is Dr. Julius Irving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.
Frasier: I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
Bulldog: No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado."
Frasier: Well, perhaps I can help. I'm Niles's brother, Dr. Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my Yum-Yum.
Bulldog: I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?
Frasier: Well, let me see. Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be but, um... [singing in falsetto:] "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a school girl well may be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"
[Martin enters with his radio, laughing]
Frasier: Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here.
Martin: You sure are! Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air. [laughs]
Bulldog: Sayonara, Doc!

Quote from Niles

Niles: You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house. Last year a disgruntled servant left one on Maris's dining room chair. Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little faun proved too light to activate it.

Quote from Niles

Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills?
Niles: Yes, and the vet gave very specific instructions. "Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides." I'm sorry, these are for Maris.

Quote from Niles

Kate: Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Miss Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Kate: How do you do?
Niles: Enchanté, I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to get tickets for Frasier and me at the Japanese Netsuke exhibit.
Kate: You'll love it. I saw it in Kyoto. It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.
Niles: Oh. [hands ticket back to Frasier] As my Japanese gardener says, Maimoshi chikosho.
Kate: Watch your mouth!
Niles: Oh, you speak Japanese? I'll just retreat now so that I can be one with my humiliation.

Quote from Frasier

Martin: Oh, come on, Frasier, don't take it all so seriously. You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra, I knew I was one of the guys.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years concerning the night you were shot.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!
Kate: No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, Ivy League, "look at me, I've got a thesaurus" kind of way! It'll be funny.
Frasier: Funny?! Funny!?

Quote from Daphne

Daphne: I'll just hide his pill in a bit of food. That's how Grammy Moon used to get Granddad to take his heart medicine.
Niles: If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine?
Daphne: Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question.

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