Frasier: I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's favorite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector".
Kate: Afraid of the competition?
Frasier: I am a doctor, I went ... to medical school. I will not embarrass myself by engaging in a grab for ratings.
Kate: You just announced to a half a million listeners that you are "filled to the brim with girlish glee." I think the H.M.S. Pinafore of embarrassment has sailed.

Frasier: Yes, I've tried dealing with this problem on my own but Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish pranks.
Kate: I heard.
Frasier: Yes, well I did not spend eight grueling years at Harvard to be mocked by that juvenile jackass.
Kate: Shameless.
Frasier: Oh, he's beyond shameless!
Kate: I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into every conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure you'll mention your alma mater, too, some day. When it's accredited.

Frasier: Well, that's one on me, or rather one on me and my call screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it."

Frasier: [answering the telephone] Hello?
Bulldog: [posh voice] Hello, this is Dr. Julius Irving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.
Frasier: I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a message.
Bulldog: No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club have a little bet going about "The Mikado."
Frasier: Well, perhaps I can help. I'm Niles's brother, Dr. Frasier Crane, and as luck would have it I was in an all-male version of "The Mikado" at Oxford. People still ask to see my Yum-Yum.
Bulldog: I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three Little Maids"?
Frasier: Well, let me see. Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it used to be but, um... [singing in falsetto:] "Three little maids from school are we, prim as a school girl well may be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids from school!"
[Martin enters with his radio, laughing]
Frasier: Dad, would you please be quiet? I'm trying to settle a bet here.
Martin: You sure are! Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over the air. [laughs]
Bulldog: Sayonara, Doc!

Niles: You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoopee cushion, I happen to have one at the house. Last year a disgruntled servant left one on Maris's dining room chair. Fortunately for all of us, embarrassment was averted when my little faun proved too light to activate it.

Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills?
Niles: Yes, and the vet gave very specific instructions. "Take one tablet per hour or as needed until trembling subsides." I'm sorry, these are for Maris.

Kate: Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Miss Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Kate: How do you do?
Niles: Enchanté, I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to get tickets for Frasier and me at the Japanese Netsuke exhibit.
Kate: You'll love it. I saw it in Kyoto. It's just such a shame they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the country.
Niles: Oh. [hands ticket back to Frasier] As my Japanese gardener says, Maimoshi chikosho.
Kate: Watch your mouth!
Niles: Oh, you speak Japanese? I'll just retreat now so that I can be one with my humiliation.

Martin: Oh, come on, Frasier, don't take it all so seriously. You know, we played jokes like this all the time when I was on the force. The day they replaced my bulletproof vest with a big lacy bra, I knew I was one of the guys.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad. That also clears up a question that's troubled me for years concerning the night you were shot.

Frasier: So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those hyenas!
Kate: No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you, you come back at him in your droll, Ivy League, "look at me, I've got a thesaurus" kind of way! It'll be funny.
Frasier: Funny?! Funny!?

Daphne: I'll just hide his pill in a bit of food. That's how Grammy Moon used to get Granddad to take his heart medicine.
Niles: If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his medicine?
Daphne: Don't think that nosy coroner didn't ask the same question.