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36Quotes from ‘The Fight Before Christmas’

Frasier: The Fight Before Christmas

711. The Fight Before Christmas

Aired December 16, 1999

As Frasier plans a Christmas party, Niles worries his relationship with Mel is over and Daphne wonders whether Niles is about to reveal the truth about his feelings for her.

Quote from Niles

Mel: You were with Maris last night?
Niles: Well.
Mel: How dare you?
Niles: Anything else in the box, Pandora?

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Quote from Niles

Niles: Unfortunately, I have to see Maris tonight.
Martin: Maris? What the hell do you have to see her for?
Niles: Sadly, to pay my condolences. It seems our old gardener has passed away unexpectedly.
Frasier: Oh, not Yoshi. Gosh, that's too bad.
Niles: He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris's elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.

Quote from Frasier

Mel: Hello.
Frasier: Well, gosh, I never expected to see you here.
Mel: Oh, well, I was one of the doctors on "Health Chat" during cosmetic surgery week. I did a segment on breast augmentation.
Frasier: Oh, how uplifting. [Frasier laughs, Mel doesn't]

Quote from Roz

Daphne: But what if he says something to me?
Roz: Just let him down gently.
Daphne: Oh, it never works out that easily. You know how it is when you say no to a guy.
Roz: Yeah... sure.

Quote from Niles

Martin: Well, I feel bad about Yoshi, but are you sure it's a good idea spending the evening with Maris?
Niles: Well, she's terribly upset. Maris and Yoshi were very close. In fact, I remember he once made a topiary likeness of her and wept without shame when it developed root rot.

Quote from Martin

Donny: Okay, Marty, how did you get these people down here?
Martin: Oh, I just called an old buddy in the fire department and told him that that many people in one place had to be a code violation.
Donny: Oh, that is smart. But aren't there going to be the same number of people down here?
Frasier: All right, everyone. We'll start by singing some carols and then we'll choose our teams for "The Minister's Cat."
Martin: [to Donny] I don't think that's going to be a problem.

Quote from Martin

Frasier: Oh, good Lord, Dad, you've been tinkering with that thing for hours. Don't you think that maybe "Dancing Santa" could sit this Christmas out?
Martin: Oh, I've got to get it ready for your big party tomorrow night.
Frasier: Oh, no need, Dad. There will be plenty of things to delight my guests. We'll be caroling and playing games. Oh, and I'll be reading "A Child's Christmas in Wales" to bring the evening to a close.
Martin: Oh, that should do it.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I'm really going to be needing this bowl tomorrow evening. There's going to be a crowd of guests. I've invited the entire building, including Cam Winston.
Martin: Oh.
Frasier: In the spirit of Christmas I've decided to put an end to our feud.
Roz: What are you feuding about?
Martin: Oh, he parks his SUV right next to Frasier's Beemer.
Frasier: Yes, well, that car is grotesquely over-sized. I've often been forced to exit from the passenger's side. Many a time, I've been brought to grief on my gear shift.

Quote from Roz

Roz: What is it?
Daphne: The other day I found out something about Dr. Crane I wasn't supposed to know.
Roz: Frasier?
Daphne: No, his brother. Apparently, he's had a crush on me for years.
Roz: [sighing] Thank God!
Daphne: What do you mean, "Thank God?"
Roz: I've been afraid for months I'd be the one to blow the secret.
Daphne: You mean you knew?
Roz: Well, everybody kinda did.

Quote from Daphne

Roz: Well, if Niles wasn't ready to say anything, it wasn't our place to do it. Well, who spilt the beans? It was Frasier, wasn't it?
Daphne: Yeah, but he doesn't know he told me.
Roz: He doesn't?
Daphne: No, he was on those painkillers for his back and, well, I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane. He's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him he might tell Dr. Crane and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
Roz: Yeah. Why confuse things?

Quote from Martin

Frasier: Niles, what do you think? Should we start with the caroling or should we hold off until we've played a spirited game of "The Minister's Cat?"
Niles: Start with the game. Then the caroling. Then perhaps the guests will be ready for another game.
Martin: Yeah, Russian Roulette.

Quote from Frasier

Martin: Whoa, there he goes!
Niles: Dad, Santa's back.
Martin: Yeah. It's the darndest thing, every year when I take him out of the box, something's wrong with it. But I always manage to fix him again.
Niles: Oh, good for you, Dad. [to Frasier] I told you to dunk it underwater.
Frasier: I did.

Quote from Gil

Frasier: Oh, Gil, Merry Christmas.
Gil: And to you, Frasier.
Frasier: Oh, thank you.
Gil: I hope you've saved room for dessert.
Frasier: Have you been baking?
Gil: I have! Gingerbread men.
Frasier: Oh, my. And don't they look... muscular!
Gil: Yes, well, the wife and I made a New Year's Resolution. Deb and I have joined a gym to slim down and buff up. We made these to inspire us.
Frasier: Ah, yes. Nothing strengthens a dieter's resolve like a good motivational pastry.
Gil: Precisely. The problem is they're so delicious, I've already had three. [picks one up] This is my last little man, I promise. Mmm. Oh, Gil, who are you kidding?
Frasier: [to himself] No one, Gil.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Where are they going?
Roz: I've got bad news for you. That feud you were having with the guy upstairs? It isn't over. He's having his own party.
Frasier: Damn him! He's siphoning off my guests.

Quote from Martin

Martin: I don't know whether that's a good idea, Fras.
Frasier: What?
Martin: Well, "Winston Party 2000" sounds like the party of the future. "Crane Party 1901" sounds like... well, this.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: My God, there must be a hundred people up there. Well, I'll just show you what you're missing! Savory lamb tenders! Pesto-filled mushroom caps! Smell 'em and weep!

Quote from Frasier

Niles: That was Mel.
Frasier: And?
Niles: I managed to explain about Yoshi. She's on her way over.
Frasier: Oh, thank God.
Niles: I know.
Frasier: Another guest! ... Oh, it's also wonderful for you, Niles. Congratulations.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: People will go almost anywhere for free food and booze. Am I really so insufferable?
Roz: I could call up the station and see if people want to come over.
Frasier: Oh, yes, Roz, let's call in the second string guests. Let's fill my home with a bunch of angry, snubbed co-workers. ... Do you think they'd come?

Quote from Daphne

Roz: So, how'd it go? Did you tell him?
Daphne: Never got the chance. He went first. Turns out he'd just given me the wrong gift and wanted it back.
Roz: You're kidding. You must be so relieved.
Daphne: [chuckling] Oh, I'll say. I've never been so relieved in my life.


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