Frasier: Listen, Noel, I'm afraid I have some bad news about the, uh, science fiction convention.
Noel: Uh-oh!
Frasier: Long story short, you see, I attended an art opening and a luncheon on Saturday, and even though I left the luncheon early the traffic on the way to the convention was just awful and by the time I got there, Mr. Bakula and all the others had gone.
Noel: No...! You made a promise and you welshed on it. Why'd you do it, Dr. Crane?

Rabbi Gendler: We will conclude with a blessing from Frederick's father, Frasier, who, though not of our faith, has chosen to follow his son's fine example and deliver it in Hebrew.
Frasier: Thank you. I'll keep this short.
Frederick: Thanks, Dad.
Frasier: Pookh lod wih le koo. Hach jahj cho-koov-moakh leng-lidge loo-Teb jahj leng widge-vahd bel rahp shoave dah-nobe-poo-boagh. Shabbat shalom.

Lilith: Here we are. File A, slide sheet 1, image 1 of subject Frederick G. Crane.
Frederick: Mom!
Lilith: Here you are, just an hour after being wrestled from my grudging womb.
Frederick: Gross!
Lilith: You know, if you'd like there's still time to include this in your Bar Mitzvah video.
Frederick: Thanks, but I just want to get through this thing with as little humiliation as possible.
Lilith: Oh, look at this. Your hospital cap. The very combed cotton that swaddled your little...[voice breaking] head.
Frederick: Are you okay?
Lilith: Of course I am. It's only natural that there should be some emotional upheaval caused by the impending shift in our relationship. I knew it would come, I just wasn't expecting such a roller coaster. ... All done.

Niles: Did I overhear you say you want to learn Hebrew?
Frasier: Not learn it, I'm saving that pleasure for retirement. But I have composed a speech and I-I'd like to say it in Hebrew.
Noel: Well, I can translate and teach you how to say it if you want.
Frasier: You can? Really? Oh, Noel, thank you.
Noel: Of course, I'll expect a little something quid pro quo.
Frasier: Certainly, whatever you'd like.
Noel: Great. The Seattle Star Trek convention is this weekend, and all the Enterprise captains are making an appearance. I need Scott Bakula's autograph to make my collection complete.
Frasier: Noel, isn't this something you could do yourself?
Noel: I would, but William Shatner's restraining order against me is still in effect. It's so stupid. It wasn't even a real phaser.

Frasier: Noel, how did you know I would do it?
Noel: What do you mean?
Frasier: Well, you must have known I would do this for you, or you wouldn't be carrying around a picture of Scott Bakula, right?
Noel: ... Right.

Frasier: Dear God, the old flash-and-whine!
Niles: Yes, Dad found it.
Martin: Yeah, good thing, too. Hasn't failed me yet. Oh, except for that one Thanksgiving when the flash washed Lilith out so bad all you could see were her hair and eyes.
Frasier: That wasn't the camera's fault, Dad. That bloodless skin has confounded even the most experienced photographer.

Frasier: Yeah, you're right, Niles. You know, it was at a Fritzenheim show in Boston where Freddie first said the word "Dada." I remember swelling with pride thinking that perhaps he was an art history savant, but of course Lilith deflated my enthusiasm by pointing out that he was probably just referring to me.

Frasier: But with all due respect, Noel, perhaps weaning yourself off science fiction might be the first step toward achieving a genuine, meaningful, grownup person's life! Just a friendly suggestion.
Noel: You're right. You did your best and that's good enough for me.
Frasier: Thank you, Noel. So, you'll still be my tutor?
Noel: Sure.
Frasier: Good man. Thank you. I'll see you tomorrow. [exits]
Noel: Oh, yes, you will see me tomorrow. And by the rings of Septaurus Five you will pay, Dr. Crane. You... [sees Kenny] Oh hi, Kenny! ...will pay!

Noel: Well, well. The fox and the hound working together. How ironic.
Roz: I'm just taking care of him until Frasier gets back from Boston. By the way, he left you something.
Noel: He did?
Roz: Yeah.
[Noel opens the box which contains a black wig and a certificate of authenticity]
Roz: Wow. A wig? That's cruel even for Frasier.
Noel: Cruel? It's only the wig Joan Collins wore in Star Trek #28, "City on the Edge of Forever." It's probably still got her DNA in it.

Lilith: Thank you. I am very proud to participate in the coming-of-age ritual of my son, Frederick Gaylord Crane. Frederick, on this momentous occasion, I can only look at you and see that innocent, chubby-legged toddler who once danced naked at the Boston Pops. The little boy whose favorite meal was "buh-sghetti." I can't count the number of bedtimes we spent cuddled together reading The Cat in the Hat. "The sun did not shine. It was too wet to play, so we sat in the house on that cold, cold wet day." [breaking down in tears] Don't grow up! Not yet!