Roz: Oh, my God. You have two women?
Frasier: At least.
Roz: And you're juggling them? And you're getting jewelry?
Frasier: Why is that so hard to believe?
Roz: Well, I guess since they cloned that sheep, anything's possible.

Martin: Besides, the note said it's someone you've been with.
Niles: Hmm. There have been so few women since Maris. There were so few women before Maris. Hence, there was Maris.

Martin: You know, maybe it's that Sonia woman he was going out with.
Daphne: Wasn't there a sister, too?
Martin: And a niece!
Niles: Oh, yes, he went through that family like a recessive gene.

Martin: Excuse me, miss? Do you remember the woman who brought this box in?
Waitress: Yeah, she was very well dressed and really, really thin.
Niles: Well, that could be a lot of people.
Waitress: Yeah, she just dropped off the gift then ordered a whole-milk mocha with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.
Niles: [laughing with relief] Oh, thank God. That's not her.
Waitress: Yeah. It was really weird, though. She just took a long whiff of it and then just handed it back.
[Niles laughs, then starts to weep]

Niles: I don't believe it. I thought I made myself perfectly clear. What is wrong with that woman?
Martin: Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

Frasier: How did things go with Maris?
Niles: I wish I knew. I returned the gifts and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.
Martin: You know, they got a cream for that.

Frasier: Nancy, I have been dying to call you. My cousin just moved to town and I think he'd be perfect for you.
Nancy: Actually, I just started seeing someone.
Roz: Well, you'll forget all about him when you meet Chuck. He is so handsome and rugged and he loves the outdoors.
Frasier: Kindly leave him there. You see, the person that Nancy is seeing is me.
Roz: Really? You two are dating?
Frasier: Even as we speak.
Roz: Oh, my God. I am so sorry. Well, good for you. I mean, who needs Chuck when you've got... well, the anti-Chuck? When my muffin gets here, could you send it over?
Frasier: You won't even see it coming.

Niles: It's cost me a fortune already. If she dragged it out any longer, I'd be literally bankrupt.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure you've got some celebrating to do, so off you go.
Niles: I cannot wait until I'm done with this. I just have to sign it and get her to do the same and then I can take my seat aboard the freedom train.
Frasier: Well, all aboard.
Niles: Oh, it's a funny thing. One day you're starting a new relationship, full of hope. The next, you're sinking helplessly into a sucking pit of despair that leaves you filled with the bitter bile of regret. ... You're on a date, aren't you?
Frasier: It's hard to say at this point.

Daphne: So, who won the squash game?
Frasier: Oh, Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, it's about the thrill of the competition.
Martin: Congratulations, Niles.
Niles: Thanks, Dad. Pumped as I was, I don't think anybody could have beat me today, even an actual athlete.

Niles: Dad, don't you agree?
Frasier: Oh, fine, let's just ask Dad. Dad, what do you think?
Martin: No, no. Don't drag me into this. I learned when you were kids to stay out of it whenever you two started
fighting. I'd just wait till the whole thing ended, usually in tears, and then I'd take you both out for ice cream. That was my job, ice cream man.