Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!

Martin: Look at him, he's humiliated!
[A dog barks from the apartment above]
Daphne: Yeah, well, it doesn't help that that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in.
[Eddie barks towards the ceiling]
Martin: You tell him, boy!
[Frasier emerges from his bedroom in his dressing gown]
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone!

Frasier: Kate, what a pleasure.
Kate: Likewise. I've been listening to the tapes of all your shows. I love what you're doing.
Frasier: Really? Well, thank you very much. I like to think of my show as a haven for the tempest-tossed in the maelstrom of everyday life.
Kate: Wow. You really talk that way.

Kate: Enjoying your new time slot?
Frasier: As a matter of fact, I found it invigorating. Didn't you, Roz? Remember that woman who called in, uh, you know, with the delusions of grandeur? Couldn't understand why nobody liked her.
Kate: Well, I hope you explained to her that it's not important that people like her, as long as they respect her.
Frasier: Oh yes, respect is important. So is self-respect.
Kate: Oh, yes, yes, but some people, and this is so unfortunate, can't tell the difference between self-respect and pig-headedness.
Frasier: Yes, but those people are usually rigid little demagogues who don't know the difference between the kind of respect that is earned and the kind of respect that is irrespective ... of what others expect.
Kate: Isn't it sad when bad things happen to good sentences?

Kate: All I wanted- All I wanted was a lousy little theme show once or twice a week.
Frasier: Oh, yeah! "Frasier Crane takes a leering look at infidelity!"
Kate: No, not a leering look. Just a good look. At the pain of infidelity, at what it does to families, at what it does to children, at what it does to the fabric of society, and this is just off the top of my head. But, no! You are such an arrogant gasbag, so used to being cock-of-the-walk around here that you can't stand still for one minute and listen to a perfectly valid suggestion from somebody else.
Frasier: And you are such a smug egomaniac that your entire self-image would shatter like a cheap mirror if you ever had to admit that you had made a mistake! You are a classic case of neurotic narcissism, and a first-class smarty pants!

Daphne: Oh, don't worry, Dr. Crane, I'll take Eddie for a walk. And as far as your problem at work goes, if you want my opinion-
Frasier: Don't! I've had my share of women's opinions for the week, between the station's new Reichschancellor and Roz's incessant whining. As far as I'm concerned, your entire sex can put a sock in it!
[Frasier goes back to his bedroom]
Martin: Boy, you'd never let me get away with a comment like that.
Daphne: [gets up and walks over to the door] Oh, even the best of us can get a bit cranky when we're overtired. All Dr. Crane needs right now is a little peace and quiet. Eddie? [Daphne puts two fingers in her mouth and emits a loud whistle]
Frasier: [o.s.] Damn it!

Bulldog: So, we're together, right?
Gil: Absolutely.
Bulldog: We're not letting her push us around any longer!
Gil: Nope. You do the talking. I'll stand behind you and burn holes through her with my "You call this a hollandaise sauce?!" glare.

Niles: How did she know it wasn't a real gun? It fooled the servants, even the ones who spent years fleeing juntas.

[Eddie is wearing a cone on his head]
Martin: And can't we take that stupid thing off him?
Daphne: No! The vet said if he scratches the scabs, they'll never heal. And I have noticed that if you sit him next to the telly, Channel Five comes in a lot clearer.

Kate: Anyway, your ratings are very good. But I still think we can do better. Any ideas?
[Kate takes items out of box and goes to put them on a shelf]
Frasier: How to improve my show? That is a tall order. Uh. Oh, wait, you know, I was thinking of playing classical music before my intros. Let's say, perhaps, uh, Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra in D Minor.
Kate: It's too highbrow. I mean, I love classical music, but to most people it's a big snore. Oh, incidentally, Bartok's Concerto is in C.
Frasier: Are you sure?
Kate: Positive. I put myself through college working at a classical station. Let's talk about advertising. You've got a great face. I want to see it on t-shirts. I want to see it on park benches. I even want to see it on Frisbees. Everybody in Seattle should be tossing it, wearing it, sitting on it!
Frasier: Wonderful. You know, I hate to nitpick, but I', certain that concerto's in D. I was a music minor at Harvard.
Kate: It's in C. It was commissioned by Serge Kosivinsky in 1943 for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and since then it's been recorded over thirty times. Each time in C.
Frasier: Well, maybe you're right. Maybe I'm right.