Frasier: Stop it! Stop it! Stop this madness! Look at yourselves!

Martin: What happened to your wrist?
Niles: Oh, uh, she rolled over in her sleep and pinned me again. I even saw it coming this time, like the big rock in that Indiana Jones movie.

Niles: What is Eddie doing?
[As Martin talks, Niles uses his handkerchief to wipe away a smudge on the balcony doors]
Martin: Oh, he's waiting for a pigeon friend of his. We call him Barney. Flies on the balcony every day and they stare at each other. Those crazy animals. Yesterday, they did it for three hours. No, I'm not making it up, I watched them the whole time.

Martin: Hey, Fras, how was the weigh-in?
Frasier: Oh, it was appalling, thank you. My teammates ridiculed me for not pigging out beforehand. You know what is it about teams and, and competitions that just brings out the worst in people?
Martin: Here we go again.
Daphne: What?
Niles: Well, Frasier and team sports are not a happy mix. Freshman year, in a bid to please Dad...
Frasier: There is no need to tell that story.
Niles: Frasier inadvertently joined the girls' field hockey team.
Frasier: The sign-up sheet said "F. Hockey." I assumed it meant "freshman" hockey.
Martin: The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?
Frasier: I thought it was a kilt!

Martin: Are you happy? You killed Eddie's little friend. Poor little guy. [then] Well, what should we do, just kick him over the edge?
Niles: Dad, wait. He's still breathing!
Martin: Oh, oh. Pick him up!
Niles: But birds are notorious carriers of disease.
Martin: Oh, here. Use my hanky.
Niles: I'll take my chances.

Martin: Oh, don't you quit on us, Barney! You're gonna be good as new.
[As they head back inside, Niles hits his head on the closed door]
Martin: See, that's why we need a safety smudge.

Frasier: Kenny, who's that last guy on their team?
Kenny: Oh, uh, Wayne Shafter. He's their new general manager.
Frasier: So...we meet again, Wayne Shafter.
Kenny: You know him?
Frasier: We went to high school together. He was the captain of the football team - Mr. Popularity - and my chief rival for the affections of our Swedish exchange student Giselle Johannson-Janson.
Kenny: Yeah, so, uh, how'd that work out?
Frasier: Great. We got married and had six kids. What do you think?

Kelly: And last up for KACL, my old friend, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Hi, Kelly.
Kelly: Hey, Fras, good to see you. Get up. Ouch! One pound heavier, Fras.
Frasier: Well, that can't be. I've added a salad to every meal.

Martin: What happened to your neck?
Niles: Oh... Fell out of bed.
Daphne: He's been so accident-prone lately. Every morning it's something else. [exits]
Martin: Shamu jump the tank again?
Niles: Fortunately, I moisturized right before bed, so I squirted out like a watermelon seed.

Frasier: Is that bird nesting in my cashmere scarf?
Martin: Yeah, we tried a whole bunch of them. That's the one he likes best.
Frasier: All right, that's it. I want that sky rat out of here.
Martin: Oh, no! Eddie will be crushed. The bird's like his pet.
Frasier: Eddie is a pet. He doesn't get to have a pet.