Franklin: Could we just stop for a second? This whole getting-left-at-the-altar thing— I just don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling.
Frasier: I may be able to illuminate that for you! What you are feeling is that this woman has reached into your chest, plucked out your heart, and thrown it to her hell-hounds for a chew toy! And it's not the last time either! Because that's what this woman is! She is the devil! There's no use running away from her, because no matter how far you go, no matter how many years you let pass, you will never be completely out of reach of those bony fingers! So, drink hearty, Franklin, and laugh! Because you have made a pact with Beelzebub! And her name is Mary Ann!

Daphne: I wish someone would just tell me who this woman is, and why we're trying to impress the pants off her.
Frasier: She's a one-time Boston barmaid who had a nervous breakdown and ended up in a sanitarium, where I met her, fell for her, and then was so mercilessly rejected by her that to this day there is a sucking chest wound where once there dwelled a heart. [opens the door; breezily:] Diane.

Diane: So, there I was, on the balcony of my Malibu beachhouse, when a pod of whales passed by. I knew I had to commune with these gentle giants, so like a flash, I was on the beach, scrambling to my kayak. But cruel fortune interceded, when, not twenty yards offshore, I suddenly discovered myself entangled in an enormous bed of-of, um—
Niles: Sea kelp?
Diane: Exactly right, sea kelp!
Martin: Oh, that's funny. I thought he said "seek help."

Diane: Niles, do you remember the last time I was in town and we dined together? You had just started dating this woman. She was the queerest little creature. [Frasier hands her a glass of wine] Thank you. She ate everyone's sorbet, and then she had to lie down in the ladies' lounge while the coat-check girl massaged her abdomen! [noticing Frasier's expression] Oh, I hope I haven't put my foot in it. You and she didn't get married and live happily ever after, did you?
Niles: No, can't say as we did.

Niles: Now, Frasier, you know her better than I. Is that what she looks like when she's writhing in envy?
Frasier: Oh, shut up. All right, I admit you were right. Before she leaves here tonight, I am going to tell her how much pain she made me feel. [energetically sprinkling sugar on the profiteroles] The savage truth this time, there will be no sugarcoating it! And yes, I am aware of the irony! [blows a puff in Niles' face]

Niles: I'd just like to be on the record as saying I'm against it.
Frasier: Fine.
Niles: You know the path that leads to peace with Diane and you're rejecting it.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: I'm washing my hands of the entire matter.
Frasier: Wouldn't miss it for the world though, would you?
Niles: I'll be there at seven with a cheeky Bordeaux.

Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane, KACL, 780.
Roz: Frasier, that was security. Some woman insisted on seeing you, she just blew right past them.
Frasier: Oh, don't panic, Roz. Probably just one of my more ardent fans.
[Diane Chambers appears in the window behind Frasier. She knocks on the glass and waves.]
Frasier: [screams]

Frasier: Niles, we've got to talk. It's urgent.
Niles: Frasier, I'm with a patient.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry.
Man: Is, uh, this about a woman?
Frasier: Yes.
Man: Take all the time you need.
Niles: Well?
Frasier: She's back, the scourge of my existence.
Niles: That's strange, I usually get some sign when Lilith is in town. Dogs forming into packs, blood weeping down the wall.

Frasier: I'm talking about . . . Diane Chambers.
Niles: [into his intercom] Lucille, send Mr. Carr home.
Frasier: She just showed up at the station today. Apparently some play she wrote is being produced here in town. I admit, I just sort of panicked when I saw her, but I think I covered it masterfully.

Niles: My first question to you is this: Are you still in love with her?
Frasier: No! Not in the least! It's a ridiculous suggestion.
Niles: Seeing as how I have nowhere to write the phrase, "classic denial," I'll move on.