Frasier: Now listen, before anyone says something they'll regret...
Daphne: Butt out! If you hadn't opened your big mouth we wouldn't be in this mess. Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight and I wouldn't be out two weeks salary for a new dress I'm apparently never going to wear, [to Niles] and you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of a wife of yours!
Frasier: This is all my fault?
Niles: Oh shut up, Frasier! The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence is your big fat head!
Frasier: I am wounded!

Mel: Attention, everyone. Before we cut the cake, Niles' brother, Frasier, would like to make a toast in our honor.
Martin: I didn't know you were doing this.
Frasier: Neither did I. [speaking to the crowd] Well, ah, love... is an awesome force. It can make us do things we never imagined were possible. For you see, we don't actually choose love, it chooses us. And once it has, we are powerless to do anything about it. Ladies and gentlemen, raise your glasses with me in toasting my brother... and the love of his life. For she is truly the woman of his dreams, and my father and I couldn't be more thrilled with his choice. To the happy couple.

Daphne: Explain to me again how you and Mel masquerading as husband and wife is a good thing?
Niles: Well...
Frasier: If I may? Uh, Daphne, it's basically to give Mel a little wiggle room so she can get out of this debacle with her dignity intact.
Daphne: And what about Niles's dignity?
Frasier: Well, Maris got that in the divorce.

Frasier: What is my offense? What egregious sin have I committed, that I should be so maligned? Was I to just sit idly by and watch these two misguided souls embark on doomed relationships? Would they have thanked me for that? Not very likely, I dare say.
Martin: Who moved the mustard?
Frasier: Top shelf, door.
Martin: Bingo.
Frasier: And then, when they were perched on the very brink of disaster, I snatched them from the gaping maw and placed them gently into one another's arms. But am I accorded a hero's welcome for my troubles? Am I hoisted on their shoulders and paraded about the room?
Martin: I don't have my glasses. What's the expiration date?
Frasier: Last week.
Martin: I'll chance it.
Frasier: No! Those two ingrates turn on me like vipers, and make me the villain of the piece. Well, hear me now. From this day forward, Frasier Crane will not interfere with those two. This is it. Finished. Finito. Non quam postea.
Martin: Uh-huh.
Frasier: I know I've made declarations like this before, but I tell you what, Dad, you mark the calendar. You note the time on your watch! This. Is. It.

Niles: What could possibly be so important for me to see up here?
Martin: The guy in 1708 got some homing pigeons. He built a coop up here for them.
Niles: Pigeons? I don't like pigeons. They have no respect for public art.

Daphne: Did you get my wedding gifts down to the post?
Simon: As we speak, they are winging their way towards their rightful owners.
Daphne: Thank you, Simon.
Simon: And in a totally unrelated matter, I am pleased to announce that the Winnebago is now fully equipped with a state-of-the-art DVD, complete with surround sound.
Daphne: I don't believe this.
Simon: Tonight's feature is "Braveheart", starring Australia's favorite son, Mr. Mel Gibson. Showtime is at eight sharp. Everyone is invited.

Simon: Hello, all. My furry friend and I have just concluded our daily constitutional, with young Edward here dropping a few amendments along the way. So what's on the docket tonight, eh?

Frasier: Would you like some sherry?
Niles: Uh, yes, thanks.
Frasier: Daphne?
Daphne: [rising] Yeah, all right, I'll get your precious wedge of brie and your water crackers.
Frasier: No, I meant would you like some sherry?
Daphne: [stunned] Oh, love some, thanks. [She sits back down.]

Niles: Listen, Daphne, I know this is all very awkward, but if it speeds up the divorce process and avoids the misery I went through with Maris, isn't it worth it?
Daphne: Well, I...
Niles: Oh, come on, schnookums, we can get through this together. What do you say?
Daphne: What did you just call me?
Niles: Schnookums.
Daphne: Schnookums...
Niles: It was an attempt at a pet name.
Daphne: Well, if it's all the same to you, can we keep looking?
Niles: Absolutely, there's no rush whatsoever... truffles. It's the chocolate, not the fungus. It's a work in progress.
Daphne: Yes.

Martin: Don't look now, but there's a guy over there in a bow tie who's been checking me out for the last twenty minutes.
Frasier: Oh, one of Mel's colleagues. I met him earlier.
Martin: What's he keep staring at me for?
Frasier: Well, he's a plastic surgeon. Maybe he's looking at your eyelids and planning his next trip to Maui.