Niles Crane Quotes Page 1 of 143

Quote from To Tell the Truth

Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!

Quote from Frasier Grinch

Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.

Quote from The Club

Frasier: I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.
Niles: My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

Quote from Adventures in Paradise (Part 2)

Daphne: You know, when I was younger I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Niles: So did Maris. But the poor thing could never get her weight up enough.

Quote from Dark Victory

Niles: [storming in] You unprincipled charlatan! You unconscionable fraud! Happy Birthday, Dad.
Martin: Thanks.
Frasier: Niles, what are you talking about?
Niles: You spoke to a patient of mine today, Caroline. As a result of your fast-food approach to psychiatry, she left me.
Frasier: Caroline was your patient?
Niles: Two years of my hard work wiped out by one of your two-minute McSessions.
Frasier: Niles, I merely suggested that she consider a change.
Niles: Based on what diagnostic method? One potato, two potato?

Quote from Oops

Niles: This has been kind of fun, but I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

Quote from The Seal Who Came to Dinner

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Quote from Frasier Loves Roz

Niles: What's the point of going to Switzerland without spending a day on the slopes? So I ducked out of the conference and who should I run into, but Maris? She'd just flown in for her yearly goat placenta treatments.
Frasier: Good Lord, is it placenta treatment time again already?
Niles: We had a set-to on the slopes. She ran, I tried to follow her tracks in the snow, but alas, she made none.

Quote from Author, Author

Frasier: Amazing! Well, there you have it, Seattle, the miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out in an unselfish act of head-shaving. Well, that's about all the time we have. I'd like to thank my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, for being here today. Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

Quote from Death and the Dog

Frasier: Well, you know, we can talk about it, we can think about it, but nobody really knows how or when.
Roz: One second we're alive as anyone else, and then... what?
Frasier: Darkness. Nothingness. Afterlife?
Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me. Mozart'll tell me he's busy but then later I'll see him out with Shakespeare and Lincoln.

Quote from Murder Most Maris

Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.

Quote from The Last Time I Saw Maris

Martin: Mike ran a check on Maris's credit cards, there's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.
Niles: Oh, God. She's been kidnapped. Someone's using her credit cards.
Martin: [on the phone] Yeah, O.K., slow down. Armani... Valentino... Cartier... Tiffany...
Niles: Any restaurants?
Martin: Any restaurants? [to Niles] Not a one.
Niles: She's alive!

Quote from Travels with Martin

Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.

Quote from A Lilith Thanksgiving

Lilith: Niles, I'm afraid with this interview, I'm running a little behind schedule. So, I'm enlisting you to help with the turkey.
Niles: Oh, well, I've never cooked a turkey before, but the recipe's here, I guess I can fumble my way through. How far along are you?
Lilith: I'm nearly done defrosting.
Niles: And the turkey?

Quote from Some Assembly Required

Niles: Four rodent hairs, and the head capsule of an adult grain beetle. [The kids yell out in disgust] Okay, I heard chocolate, I'll take chocolate. Per 100 grams, the government allows an average of approximately 60 insect fragments and the odd rodent hair. [The kids cry out again] But let's say you want to play it safe. Maybe drink a can of fruit juice. That's healthy... or is it? Well, sure, if your idea of healthy is approximately five fly eggs and a maggot! This is your government, people!