Frasier: All right, if you must know, I'm just about to leave for something called a "speed date."
Roz: What's a speed date?
Frasier: Well, apparently it's the latest thing. Twelve men and twelve women get together in a room. They spend eight minutes talking to one other and then move on to the next person after a bell rings. Basically, it's all the stress and humiliation of a blind date times twelve.

Frasier: I'm just so tired of being surrounded by happy couples, I just thought I should do something a bit more proactive.
Roz: You wouldn't be talking about Niles and Daphne, would you?
Frasier: Oh, among others. Believe me, no one could be happier for Niles than I, but there are days when his lovesick swain act wears the tiniest bit thin.
[Niles enters wearing a white t-shirt which features a heart-shaped image of him and Daphne]
Niles: Hello, all. Notice anything different?
Roz: I like it.
Niles: Thank you. I've never worn an undergarment in public before.

Frasier: Here's an idea. What if put the sweater under the jacket? Then I'll get the best of both worlds.
Niles: Honestly, Frasier, could you be more self-absorbed? Goodbye, Roz. If you want to know more about our trip, we'll have pictures on our website when we get back.

Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Say, don't you work at KACL?
Mike: Yeah, I just started. Mike Schafer.
Frasier: Oh, hi, Mike. Frasier Crane. Have you met Roz Doyle?
Mike: No.
Frasier: Oh, you are new, aren't you?

Monica: You know, you're not the first guy I've sent to the emergency room.
Frasier: Ah.
Monica: When I was ten my brother fell off my handlebars and broke his foot. Then, in art school, a pottery wheel got away from me and sort of rolled down some stairs and I broke one guy's knee and another guy's hip.
Frasier: I suppose after that you went on a kiln spree.

Judy: Hey, have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated "Aarr!"
Frasier: Yes. That's very droll.
Judy: Get it? Aarr.
Frasier: Yes, I do.
Judy: That's sort of my test joke, you know, to see if a guy's cool or not? Can you believe you're the first guy here who laughed? I mean, can't you just see it: a pirate walks into a movie theater, he's got his eye patch and his peg leg and... [a bell dings] Oh, boy, that did not feel like eight minutes.
Frasier: Indeed it did not.

Martin: Hey, Fras. How did that speed date thing go?
Frasier: It could not have been worse.
Martin: That's nice.
Frasier: You're not listening, Dad.
Martin: Oh, I'm sorry, Son. Well, you get any phone numbers?
Frasier: No, but if I ever want to track any of them down, I can always write them, care of... the bottom of the barrel.

Frasier: Daphne? Are you planning on using cumin in this recipe?
Daphne: Yeah, the recipe calls for lots of it.
Frasier: Oh, lord, Niles is terribly allergic to cumin.
Daphne: Oh, dear. I knew about the scallops. And the nutmeg, the oat bran, wheat germ, carob, parchment mites...
Frasier: Yes, yes, I know. He tried to wearing an allergy tag, but his neck was too weak to support it.

Martin: Did you see that? The character in this movie just dialed the phone and at the exact same time, our phone rang. It's like Montgomery Cliff's calling me.
Frasier: Yes, that's fascinating, Dad.

Daphne: Could you give me a hand here?
Frasier: Well, I would, except I sprained my shoulder.
Martin: Bullet in the hip.
Daphne: You still have one good arm, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: The doctor told me to take it easy. Oh, I met a girl today!
Daphne: Yeah, so did she.