Niles: Oh, I have no reason to be unhappy. I have my health, have a wonderful home, a beautiful wife- Did your eyebrow just move?
Frasier: I don't think so.
Niles: I have my practice. Although, lately, I've lost track of the ideals that led me to psychiatry in the first place.
Frasier: Hmm, yes.
Niles: Look who I'm talking to. Psychiatry's answer to the drive-through window.

Frasier: You know, I think about Roz's life and it makes me wonder about my own. I haven't been exactly burning up the social scene lately.
Niles: You'll find somebody.
Frasier: But what if I don't? What if I end up old and alone? I might have to buy a funny little dog and move in with Frederick. Well, I guess I don't need to worry about that for a while.
Niles: Frederick should start worrying about it.

Frasier: You're in a fine mood today!
Martin: Ah, and by the way you left a mess in the kitchen.
Frasier: I had a piece of toast.
Martin: Yeah, and you didn't use a plate like I asked you to. And you buttered it on the counter. I know because you left a bunch a crumbs and toast sweat there.
Niles: Toast sweat?
Frasier: Yes, yes. It's when you put a piece of hot toast on any surface, it tends to leave little droplets of dew behind. Haven't you heard Dad's lecture on the evils of toast sweat? It's the scourge of our times!

[Frasier chuckles to himself]
Niles: What? What?
Frasier: Oh, just something that happened the other morning. I asked Dad to pass me a bran muffin. You know what he said to me? He said, "What's the magic word?"
Niles: You're kidding.
Frasier: He didn't think it was very amusing when I said "rest home!"

Niles: Maddening!
Frasier: What is it now?
Niles: They have a new moisturizer dispenser in the men's room, and the cream is entirely too oily. So I had to rewash my hands, and would you know it, that is when the hot-air hand dryer chooses to break down.
Frasier: How do you get through the day?

Frasier: Oh, let's not just gloss over that. You, my only brother, has just told me you're not happy and it pains me to hear that, so why?
Niles: I was watching PBS the other night in my study and they were showing this documentary on the Great Depression. Vintage Steinbeck: desperately poor people escaping the Dust Bowl, their meager possessions strapped to rickety old trucks heading to what they thought was their salvation. Then there was this scene of this scruffy little boy being handed a brand-new pair of shoes by the Salvation Army. Frasier, if you could have seen the look on that boy's face, it was a look of pure and utter happiness. I have never experienced that kind of happiness, not in my whole life. Not even when I bought these $400 Bruno Maglis. Do you like them?
Frasier: Well, they're very nice.
Niles: What about the tassels?
Frasier: Well, I'm not really much of a tassel guy.
Niles: No, neither am I. Nevertheless, there they are.

Waitress: Can I help you?
Martin: Coffee, black, and don't put anything fancy in it.
Waitress: We have two special coffees. [Martin stares] I'll surprise you.

Niles: Calm down, dear. No, calm down, listen, take a left, then the second right, then a left again. Okay, okay. Goodbye, sweetheart.
Frasier: Is Maris lost again?
Niles: Yes, she wandered into the kitchen by mistake. I had to talk her back to the living room.

Niles: What were you going to say?
Frasier: No, no. I'd rather not.
Niles: Well, there's no need to, I think I know what you were getting at. You've been wanting to ask me this for years. Did I marry Maris for the money? [Niles looks at Frasier. Frasier nods] I resent that! I did not marry Maris for the money. It was just a delightful bonus.
Frasier: So, you really do love her?
Niles: Of course I love her. But it's a different kind of love.
Frasier: You mean it's not human?
Niles: No. No, I mean it doesn't burn with the passion and intensity of a Tristan and Isolde. It's more comfortable, more familiar. Maris and I are old friends. We can spend an afternoon together - me at my jigsaw puzzle, she at her auto-harp - not a word spoken between us and be perfectly content.
Frasier: I'm told it was a lot like that near the end in the Hitler household.

Niles: Oh fine, let's shift this subject back to where it belongs. This whole thing started with me asking whether you were happy. And don't think about it this time, just answer.
Frasier: Aw, well-
Roz: Hey, guys!
Frasier: Oh, hi, Roz.
Niles: Hello, Roz. What are you doing here?
Roz: Well, I always wanted to learn to fly a jet and today they're offering a special on jet flying lessons, so I thought I'd come by and take advantage of it. [Niles is befuddled] I came here to get coffee!
Niles: Well, thanks for stopping by. I'd have been mad if you didn't.