Enjoy a selection of quotes from classic Christmas episodes of Frasier.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of toys he'll like to play with are... A kitchen set, a dollhouse and three kinds of Barbies. Oh, good God. This is for a Franklin Crane from Kennebunkport. Oh, God, do you realize what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes of Maine have got your Living Brain.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. I hope you had the presence of mind to bring presents of mine.
Niles: I haven't heard that line since last year. But then again, Christmas is the season for chestnuts.
Roz: I thought your father was in charge of Christmas decorations.
Frasier: Oh, no, no, not this year. We're doing it my way. That's why I'm ordering a tasteful tree here. They'll even deliver it on Christmas Eve, fully decorated.
Roz: Gee, that'll be fun for Freddie.
Frasier: Oh no, Frederick won't be joining me this year. He's spending his vacation on an archaeological tour with Lilith.
Roz: He's spending Christmas with dried-up old bones?
Frasier: [laughs] I thought I told you, she's taking him on an archaeological tour.
Niles: Frasier, you've had Christmas for the past nine years.
Frasier: Yes, but we agreed when you hosted Thanksgiving that we would have Christmas here in its traditional setting.
Niles: Well, maybe it's time to start a new tradition.
Frasier: But I've had new stockings loomed for everyone. Now, there, you see! You made me spoil the surprise. And did no one hear me say that I have ordered an Hungarian goose?
Niles: Which you are more than welcome to bring over to our place.
Frasier: It's not my date, it's dinner!
Frasier: Roz, if you needed extra cash, you should’ve come to me. I’ve got of plenty of odd jobs around the house.
Roz: It’s not about money. I’m volunteering.
Frasier: Oh, oh, well, good for you. Yes.
Roz: Yeah, visiting Santa Claus at the department store was one of my favorite memories as a kid.
Frasier: Hmm. I always found him terrifying and inquisitorial.
Frasier: Merry Christmas, Seattle! Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you on Christmas Day. Christmas, that very magical time of the year, when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never to be recreated.
[Roz bangs on the window]
Roz: I'm sorry, Frasier, the news went over you. You're gonna have to do that again.
Frasier: Merry Christmas, Seattle...
Martin: Oh, that's it. I know I should have stocked my old Ballantines as soon as they stopped making it. Now, I can't find a single can. Christmas is ruined.
Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr. Crane.
Niles: Yeah. And this year's extra special because Daphne and I are together.
Martin: Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith... maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.
Martin: Why don’t you just use the punch bowl?
Frasier: Well, because then it wouldn’t be wassail, it would be punch.
Martin: What’s the difference?
Daphne: Me dad used to say that punch makes you want to kiss the donkey in the manger scene, and wassail makes you want to check it into the inn.
Frasier: I see you've been busy in the kitchen.
Daphne: Yeah. I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew dessert was ready. You know, to this day the smell of burning hair puts me in the holiday spirit.
Frasier: Dad, what are you doing with that?
Martin: I'm gonna hang it on the front door, like I always do.
Frasier: But it's plastic.
Martin: Well, of course it's plastic. Do you think a real one would've lasted since 1967?