Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.

Niles: Let's get some lights on. [claps]
Frasier: Good Lord, what the hell is that?
Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery operated, works on a clapper so you can find it in the dark. Only problem was, the poor thing, try as she might, could never clap hard enough to activate it.

Daphne: You know, when I was younger I dreamed of being a ballerina myself.
Niles: So did Maris. But the poor thing could never get her weight up enough.

Martin: Mike ran a check on Maris's credit cards, there's been a whole bunch of charges in New York.
Niles: Oh, God. She's been kidnapped. Someone's using her credit cards.
Martin: [on the phone] Yeah, O.K., slow down. Armani... Valentino... Cartier... Tiffany...
Niles: Any restaurants?
Martin: Any restaurants? [to Niles] Not a one.
Niles: She's alive!

Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.

Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.

Donny: Yes, I think we now have what's known in the legal profession as a bargaining chip.
Niles: Oh, are you kidding? She'd give anything to keep this quiet.
Donny: All right, let me go talk to Maris's lawyers.
Niles: No, no, no. There's some news you want to deliver yourself. [picks up the phone] May I?
Donny: Absolutely.
Niles: [on the phone] Hello, Marta, I'd like to speak to Maris. Oh, why not? Ah. [to Donny] She's in the final level of her guru serenity training, the week-long vow of silence, day six. [on the phone] No, no, Marta, that's all right. She doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message. I've flushed out her family secret. Hel-looooo, Maris!

Phil Patterson: Thanks again, Frasier.
Niles: Oh, our pleasure, Phil. The Crane family has a long history of political involvement. You know, my wife Maris actually has all our servants down at your campaign headquarters licking envelopes. She'd do it herself, but the poor thing can't produce saliva.

Frasier: "Maris Crane is believed to have gotten the crossbow from her ex-husband, Dr. Niles Crane, with whom she lunched on the day of the murder."
Martin: Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
Niles: Ah, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gstaad. [wistfully] So, yes.

Roz: I don't see her. Maybe she went back out. Oh, wait. I see her coat on a hat rack.
Frasier: Look closer. Is the hat rack moving?
Roz: Oh, my God.