Frasier: Merry Christmas, Seattle! Yes, this is Dr. Frasier Crane coming to you on Christmas Day. Christmas, that very magical time of the year, when each moment is as unique as a snowflake, never to be recreated.
[Roz bangs on the window]
Roz: I'm sorry, Frasier, the news went over you. You're gonna have to do that again.
Frasier: Merry Christmas, Seattle...

Frasier: Dad, what are you doing with that?
Martin: I'm gonna hang it on the front door, like I always do.
Frasier: But it's plastic.
Martin: Well, of course it's plastic. Do you think a real one would've lasted since 1967?

Martin: Let's finish decorating the Christmas tree. I brought up the good lights from the storage room.
Frasier: Oh, dad, you know what, I don't want to use those lights this year. I picked up these just yesterday.
Martin: Chili peppers?
Frasier: Well, yes, they're very fashionable.
Martin: Chili peppers aren't Christmas.
Frasier: Well, for that matter, neither are scotch pines or snow ornaments. And for God's sake, if you want to be technical, Bethlehem was in the desert.
Martin: Fine. Why don't we decorate a palm tree?
Frasier: I don't need your sarcasm.
Martin: But I always use those lights.
Frasier: Dad, dad. This is my house, these are my decorations, just once, can I have just one thing I wanted this Christmas?
Martin: Hey, look. Wait a minute. I know you're upset about Freddie, but don't take it out on me.
Frasier: Oh fine. Now you're the psychiatrist?
Martin: Oh, I give up. Go ahead, decorate the thing. Use your chili peppers!
Frasier: All right, I don't want them anymore!
Martin: Go ahead. Use 'em! Why don't- You know, maybe we could hang a few radishes, put a nice broccoli on top!

Frasier: Hi, we're back. Well, you know what? I- I realize it's been a pretty tough day out there for most of you, and, uh, I'd like to hear now from someone who's having a good Christmas. Um, you know, someone who's learned a way to beat the holiday blues. Well, let's take our first call here. Hello, you're on the air.
Jeff: "This is Jeff."
Frasier: Hello, Jeff. Well, Merry Christmas.
Jeff: "Well, Merry Christmas to you. I used to get depressed on Christmas. And then I found a surefire way to beat it: I'd pop my favorite movie, 'The Sound Of Music', in the VCR. Watching Julie Andrews lead those adorable little tykes through the streets of Salzburg, nobody could be depressed. I mean, nobody."
Frasier: Jeff, are you a betting man?

Waitress: I can bring you a menu, but almost everybody's having the Christmas platter. That's a turkey log with mashed potatoes, then yule log for dessert.
Frasier: How much more appetizing food always becomes when you add the word "log." [The waitress stares at him] I'll just have the Christmas platter.

Bulldog: You can tell Father Mike's had a few. He's trying to get everyone to re-enact the Nativity scene.
Roz: Well, we know who he can get to play the ass.

Niles: You know, Maris and Daphne are roughly the same size.
Frasier: Give or take a foot.

Daphne: Here you go. Ooh, I'm glad to be out of that black one. I had to take me undies off just to get the zipper up.
[Niles drops his glass, shattering it on the table]

Niles: Daphne, you should come. We have the most wonderful traditional Christmas. It's an actual log cabin. With actual deer grazing in the snow on our front yard. Of course, Maris fires off her shotgun from time to time to scare them away from our garbage, but still, it's enchanting.

Frasier: Well, Merry Christmas, everybody! Lilith isn't sending Frederick.
Martin: What? Why not?
Frasier: Well, apparently he has this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for an incredible Christmas. A friend of hers has rented a home in Austria.
Martin: What's the matter with the good old U.S.A.?
Frasier: Well, apparently it's the same house that they filmed "The Sound Of Music" in, and that happens to be Freddie's favorite movie.
Martin: What?
Frasier: Well, Julie Andrews is singing with the Salzburg Choral, they're having dinner with her afterwards, and some nonsense about a horse-driven sleigh ride through the snow, and a toboggan, and a balloon trip through the Alps. Oh, yes, and apparently on their way back they're gonna spend an entire day at Euro-Disneyland.