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45Quotes from ‘Dinner at Eight’

Frasier: Dinner at Eight

103. Dinner at Eight

Aired September 30, 1993

After Frasier and Niles' plan to take their father to a fancy restaurant falls apart, they show themselves up at one of Martin's favorite eateries. Meanwhile, Niles meets Daphne for the first time and is immediately smitten, despite being married to Maris.

Quote from Martin

Martin: All right, that's it. I've had enough of you two jackasses. I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks about the food and the health. Well, I've got news for you. People like this place. I like this place. And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me. You know, I used to think you took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that. But you mother liked a good ball game, too. She'd even have a hot dog once in a while. She may have had fancy taste, but she had too much class to make me or anyone else feel second-rate. If she saw the way you two behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed. I know I am.

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Quote from Martin

Frasier: Dad, Niles and I and, uh, Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at Le Cigare Volant, one of the hottest new restaurants.
Martin: Oh, gee, I don't know.
Niles: Oh, oh. The food is to die for.
Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for. Food is to eat.

Quote from Frasier

Waitress: Can I get you something from the bar?
Frasier: Oh, dear God, yes.
Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks with three pearl onions.
Frasier: If you bring him two, if you bring him four, he'll send it back.
Waitress: And for you?
Frasier: The same.

Quote from Frasier

Roz: We have Pam on line four. She's having a problem with her family.
Frasier: Hello, Pam. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Pam: "Hi. It's my in-laws. It's just that, well, they drop over all the time without calling first and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them."
Frasier: Well, they're your husband's parents. What does he suggest?
Pam: "The other day he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away."
Frasier: A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
Pam: "Well, I thought about saying something but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings."
Frasier: Well, then, you have a choice. Either you risk hurting their feelings or you spend the rest of your life diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by.
Pam: [Doorbell] "Shh! They're here!"
Frasier: Your in-laws?
Pam: "Shh! Yes."
Frasier: (Whispers) Then why don't you just take this opportunity- Oh, for Pete's sake! Why don't you just tell them how you feel.
Pam: "Okay, okay. I will. Next time. I promise. Thanks, Dr. Crane."
Frasier: Ah, well, as Pam belly-crawls across her living room, let's take a moment for this message from Carpet Fresh. How's that for a segue?

Quote from Niles

Niles: Frasier, is he our real father?
Frasier: Now, don't start that again. We've been having this discussion since we were children.
Niles: But that suit!
Frasier: Well, it's not just the suit. It's his taste in everything - clothing, films, music.
Niles: Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles we have nothing in common with the man.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a reservation tonight and I'm calling to inquire about your minimum dress code. Crane. Frasier. Doctor. What do you mean? We've had the reservation for over a week. They've lost our reservation.
Niles: Give me that. Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane. I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life. And I have a good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene.
Frasier: Niles, they've already hung up.
Niles: Oh, thank God.

Quote from Daphne

Daphne: Well, I'm off to my poker game. It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Crane. Oh, wait a minute. I'm getting something on you.
Frasier: She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
Daphne: You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?
Niles: Yes. Frasier, she's phenomenal!
Daphne: It's a gift. Well, cheerio. Ta-ta.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: [Phone rings] Hello? Yes. Oh, hi, Niles. Of course you can come by. Great. I'll see you then.
[Frasier walks over to his front door and opens it]
Frasier: Hi, Niles. Good to see you. Thanks for calling first.
Niles: Well, I heard your show today. I wouldn't dream of popping by unannounced.

Quote from Niles

Niles: I was passing by and I've come to beg a favor. My housekeeper Mary is a very big fan of your little radio program.
Frasier: Really? Is she?
Niles: Well, what she lacks in taste, she makes up for in vigor.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Daphne, this is my brother Niles.
Niles: You're Daphne?
Daphne: Why, yes, I am.
Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an English woman, I pictured someone a little more- Not quite so- You're Daphne?
Daphne: It's nice to meet you.
Niles: What a lovely accent. Is that Manchester?
Daphne: Yes. How did you know?
Niles: I'm quite the Anglophile. I'm sure Frasier and Dad have already told you.
Daphne: No. They didn't mention it.
Niles: You undoubtedly guessed as much when they said I spent a year studying at Cambridge.
Daphne: No, they didn't mention that either.
Niles: I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time talking about me when I'm not around.
Daphne: Ooh. I wouldn't say that.

Quote from Martin

Martin: How do I look?
Niles: Wow.
Daphne: Dr. Crane took your father shopping to Armani this afternoon.
Niles: You got that at Armani?
Martin: Just like I told you, Frasier. He can't tell the difference.
Frasier: Well, we were on our way to Armani when Dad spotted this in the window of a discount clothing store.
Martin: It's sharkskin. Look at the way it changes color when I move my arm.
Daphne: You're going to be the handsomest gent at your friend's retirement party. Now, come on, let's hang it up before it gets wrinkled.
Martin: Oh, it's supposed to resist wrinkles. They had one in the display window wadded up inside a mayonnaise jar.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, thank goodness, we took after Mom.
Niles: So, how come he didn't acquire any of her sophistication?
Frasier: Well, maybe he was too busy working his tail off so we could have the nicer things. You know, Niles, maybe it's time we should pay him back in some way. Expose him to some of the finer things so that he'd stop lumbering through life like some great polyester dinosaur.

Quote from Niles

Niles: I don't know. Dad's so set in his ways.
Frasier: We all are at some point in our life. Remember when you used to think the 1812 Overture was a great piece of classical music.
Niles: Was I ever that young?

Quote from Niles

Frasier: You and I have to broaden Dad's horizons, show him the world that he's only read about in TV Guide.
Niles: How about an evening of fine dining?
Frasier: Perfect. But where?
Both: Le Cigare Volant!
Niles: But can we really get in? I've been trying for months.
Frasier: Oh, please, Niles. You're forgetting the cachet my name carries in this town.
Niles: Actually, I'm not. If the maitre d' happens to be a housewife, we're in.
Frasier: Niles, you are so mean.

Quote from Roz

Frasier: So, how was your weekend?
Roz: I had my most hellacious date of my life. First, he asked me to pick him up from work. Then, I stop for gas and I have to pump it myself while he sits and reads the sports section. So I take him back to my place and make him my famous sweet and sour shrimp. I'm in the middle of cooking, I ask him to hand me the honey and he gets this freaked out look on his face and says he can't because he has a deathly fear of touching anything sticky. I told him it was a new jar, but he didn't want to take any risks.
Frasier: Roz, where do you meet these people?
Roz: I answered his ad.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Hi, Niles. Where's Maris? Are you taking separate elevators again?
Niles: Oh, no. I'm afraid Maris is having one of her episodes.
Frasier: Ah.
Niles: In the middle of dressing for the evening, she suddenly slumped down on the edge of the bed in her half-slip and sighed. Of course, I knew then and there that dinner was not to be.
Frasier: I'm sorry.
Niles: Yes, well, I'll just have to make the best of it. Hi-ho, Daphne, you're looking luminous this evening.

Quote from Niles

Niles: I'm having a thought, Frasier. Since Maris has sadly dropped out and we do have an extra space, perhaps we should invite Daphne to join us for the evening. I mean, it is a table for four, and three is such an awkward number, you know, at a- At a dinner.
Frasier: What are you doing?
Niles: Nothing. Oh. For goodness' sake, Frasier, I'm happily married. Maris means the world to me. Why, just the other day, I kissed her for no reason whatsoever.

Quote from Martin

Martin: Hey, I know! Why don't I take us all to The Timber Mill?
Niles: The Timber Mill?
Martin: Oh, it's great. You get a steak this thick for $8.95!
Niles: Honestly, Dad, it doesn't sound like the kind of restaurant we'd like.
Martin: Well, I was willing to go to your place.
Frasier: Dad, I think we'd better just take a rain check.
Martin: Oh, gees, I was looking forward to spending an evening with you boys. We can do it some other time. I'm sure Daphne's got something in the fridge I can heat up.
Frasier: You know, on second though, I'm really in the mood for a good steak.
Niles: What?
Frasier: Well, yes, you know, the point of the whole thing isn't exactly where we have dinner but that the three of us have an evening together as a family, right?
Martin: Oh, you won't be sorry. They've got five different toppings for your baked potato.
Frasier: Oh, did you hear that, Niles?
Niles: I'm sold.
Martin: We'll bring you a bone, Eddie. He's ecstatic.

Quote from Frasier

Martin: Quite a place, huh? Used to be a real working sawmill.
Frasier: Until somebody stated the obvious and said, "Hey, let's turn this place into a restaurant!"

Quote from Niles

Niles: This aroma is triggering a sense memory. Something familiar, yet- Oh, of course. It's Maris and her home tanning bed.

Quote from Martin

Hostess: Is this your first visit to The Timber Mill?
Frasier: Yes.
Hostess: Well, we've got a dress code.
Frasier: Well, couldn't you make an exception in this case? His suit was at the cleaners.
Hostess: Not him. You. [She cuts off Frasier's tie. A waitress cuts of Niles' tie] Timber! [Bell rings]
Frasier: My tie! She cut off my tie!
Martin: Got you. Isn't that great?
Frasier: Why did she cut off my tie?
Martin: Oh, they've been doing that for years. They like to keep the place casual.
Niles: Dad, you could have mentioned that to us.
Martin: What? And spoil the fun? [laughs] Ah, cheer up. You get a free dessert.

Quote from Frasier

Waitress: I see we have a couple of first-timers here. Let me tell you how it works. Every entrée comes with soup or a trip to the salad bar. One trip only, please. Also included is our famous garlic cheese bread. And now, if you're ready, you can claim your steaks.
Niles: "Claim our steaks"?
Martin: You get to pick the cut you want off the beef trolley.
Frasier: How much extra would I have to pay to get one from the refrigerator?

Quote from Niles

Martin: Would you just pick your steak?
Niles: I'd like a petit fillet mignon very lean, but not so lean that it lacks flavor. But not so fatty that it leaves drippings on the plate. And I don't want it cooked, just lightly seared on either side. Pink in the middle. Not true pink, but not a mauve either. Something in between, bearing in mind the slightest error either way, and it's ruined.
Waitress: OK.

Quote from Frasier

Martin: What's wrong?
Frasier: Well, I don't mean to complain-
Martin: Then don't. For your information, these steaks come from prize beef raised at- What the hell are you doing?
Niles: Something seems to have fallen in my potato.
Martin: Those are bacon bits.
Niles: But I didn't ask for them.
Martin: I ordered all the fixings. You got all the fixings.
Niles: But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates.
Martin: No problem. They're artificial. They're made out of soy.
Frasier: They really look out for your health here, don't they?

Quote from Frasier

Martin: Everybody in this restaurant is enjoying the dinner. Can't you guys do the same?
Frasier: Niles? Is Maris organizing the Arts Council benefit again this year?
Niles: As a matter of fact, she is.
Frasier: Where are they holding it?
Niles: Well, they haven't picked a spot yet. Perhaps I should tell them about this place. I'd like to be a fly on the wall that night.
Frasier: You wouldn't be the only one.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Dad, wait.
Martin: No, I'm going to Duke's for a nightcap.
Frasier: Well, at least let us take you there.
Martin: I'll take a cab. I've had enough of you two for one night. Leave the waitress a good tip. She deserves it.
Frasier: Niles, say something.
Niles: Dad, wait. The mud pie is coming!

Quote from Niles

Frasier: The mud pie is coming? I feel terrible.
Niles: So do I.
Frasier: The sad thing is, he's right about us.
Niles: Have we really become such snobs?
Frasier: You don't see anyone else driving their father out into the street to drink, do you?
[The waitress gives them an evil look]
Frasier: We've got to apologize to Dad.
Niles: You're right.
Frasier: We'll give him a couple of hours to cool down over at Duke's. And when he gets home, we'll settle this.
Niles: Absolutely. We've been just horrid. Frasier, do you think we've lost the ability to appreciate the simple things - steak, potatoes, fixings?
Frasier: I'm afraid so. The thing is, this is good food. It's not too fancy but it's good, wholesome American fare.
Niles: You know, as a tribute to Dad, I think we should sit here until we've cleaned our plates.
Frasier: Well, I'm game if you are. We're going to prove we are not snobs.
Niles: Absolutely. Frasier, look who's here. [Niles tries to hide his baked potato]
Frasier: Eat your food.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I just don't think it's very smart to make rude gestures at other drivers.
Martin: He cut you off.
Frasier: That doesn't matter. You do not antagonize a man whose bumper sticker says "If you're close enough to read this, I'll kill you."
Martin: Big talk from a Volvo.


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