Martin: All right, that's it. I've had enough of you two jackasses. I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks about the food and the health. Well, I've got news for you. People like this place. I like this place. And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me. You know, I used to think you took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that. But you mother liked a good ball game, too. She'd even have a hot dog once in a while. She may have had fancy taste, but she had too much class to make me or anyone else feel second-rate. If she saw the way you two behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed. I know I am.

Frasier: Dad, Niles and I and, uh, Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at Le Cigare Volant, one of the hottest new restaurants.
Martin: Oh, gee, I don't know.
Niles: Oh, oh. The food is to die for.
Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for. Food is to eat.

Waitress: Can I get you something from the bar?
Frasier: Oh, dear God, yes.
Niles: I'll have a Stoli Gibson on the rocks with three pearl onions.
Frasier: If you bring him two, if you bring him four, he'll send it back.
Waitress: And for you?
Frasier: The same.

Roz: We have Pam on line four. She's having a problem with her family.
Frasier: Hello, Pam. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm listening.
Pam: "Hi. It's my in-laws. It's just that, well, they drop over all the time without calling first and they expect us to stop what we're doing and entertain them."
Frasier: Well, they're your husband's parents. What does he suggest?
Pam: "The other day he had us drop to the floor and stay quiet until they drove away."
Frasier: A creative approach, but hardly a long-term solution.
Pam: "Well, I thought about saying something but I'm afraid I'll hurt their feelings."
Frasier: Well, then, you have a choice. Either you risk hurting their feelings or you spend the rest of your life diving for cover whenever they happen to drop on by.
Pam: [Doorbell] "Shh! They're here!"
Frasier: Your in-laws?
Pam: "Shh! Yes."
Frasier: (Whispers) Then why don't you just take this opportunity- Oh, for Pete's sake! Why don't you just tell them how you feel.
Pam: "Okay, okay. I will. Next time. I promise. Thanks, Dr. Crane."
Frasier: Ah, well, as Pam belly-crawls across her living room, let's take a moment for this message from Carpet Fresh. How's that for a segue?

Niles: Frasier, is he our real father?
Frasier: Now, don't start that again. We've been having this discussion since we were children.
Niles: But that suit!
Frasier: Well, it's not just the suit. It's his taste in everything - clothing, films, music.
Niles: Outside of our last name and abnormally well-developed calf muscles we have nothing in common with the man.

Daphne: Well, I'm off to my poker game. It was nice seeing you again, Dr. Crane. Oh, wait a minute. I'm getting something on you.
Frasier: She's psychic. We've decided to find it charming.
Daphne: You have occasional bouts of colitis, don't you?
Niles: Yes. Frasier, she's phenomenal!
Daphne: It's a gift. Well, cheerio. Ta-ta.

Frasier: Hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. I have a reservation tonight and I'm calling to inquire about your minimum dress code. Crane. Frasier. Doctor. What do you mean? We've had the reservation for over a week. They've lost our reservation.
Niles: Give me that. Listen, this is Dr. Niles Crane. I've never been treated so shabbily in my entire life. And I have a good mind to come over there and create an embarrassing scene.
Frasier: Niles, they've already hung up.
Niles: Oh, thank God.

Frasier: [Phone rings] Hello? Yes. Oh, hi, Niles. Of course you can come by. Great. I'll see you then.
[Frasier walks over to his front door and opens it]
Frasier: Hi, Niles. Good to see you. Thanks for calling first.
Niles: Well, I heard your show today. I wouldn't dream of popping by unannounced.

Niles: I was passing by and I've come to beg a favor. My housekeeper Mary is a very big fan of your little radio program.
Frasier: Really? Is she?
Niles: Well, what she lacks in taste, she makes up for in vigor.

Frasier: Daphne, this is my brother Niles.
Niles: You're Daphne?
Daphne: Why, yes, I am.
Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an English woman, I pictured someone a little more- Not quite so- You're Daphne?
Daphne: It's nice to meet you.
Niles: What a lovely accent. Is that Manchester?
Daphne: Yes. How did you know?
Niles: I'm quite the Anglophile. I'm sure Frasier and Dad have already told you.
Daphne: No. They didn't mention it.
Niles: You undoubtedly guessed as much when they said I spent a year studying at Cambridge.
Daphne: No, they didn't mention that either.
Niles: I guess my father and brother don't spend a lot of time talking about me when I'm not around.
Daphne: Ooh. I wouldn't say that.