Martin: Oh, Fras, how did the show go?
Frasier: It was very educational. Today, Mary taught us how to manipulate our husbands... by withholding sex. And she taught us how to lie to our children about the past.
Martin: Boy, that Dr. Mary sure goes on and on.
Frasier: For the last time, she is not a doctor. No matter how many times she refers to herself as one. "A cat can have kittens in the oven but that don't make 'em biscuits!" ... Dear God, now I'm quoting Grandpa Willie.

Roz: Why did I ever decide to redecorate my bathroom? They give you about a thousand decisions to make. After a while, you can't even tell the colors apart.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, perhaps my discerning decorative eye can be of some assistance, let me see here.
[Frasier arranges the color cards on the table]
Frasier: This one's Ecru, that's Eggshell and this, of course, is Navajo White.
Roz: Very good, Frasier. Now, let's see how you do on the color side.

Frasier: Just exactly how would that go? Why don't you play me and I'll be Mary.
Niles: All right. Uh, Mary?
Frasier: Frasier.
Niles: I've been meaning to speak to you. You know, people listen to the show for my expertise.
Frasier: Oh, so my opinion's not worth anything?
Niles: Well, I'm the one with the medical degree. Now, I want you to contribute, but only up to a point.
Frasier: So, you want me to stay in my place, massa!
Niles: She's not going to say "massa"...
Frasier: [adopting the gestures associated with the stereotype of a sassy African-American woman] What, am I getting too uppity for you? You sherry-swelling, opera-loving, Armani-wearing elitist. You have no idea how difficult it is for a black woman in a white man's world!
Niles: Frasier...
Frasier: I don't think so!

Niles: My first roommate at Yale was black.
Frasier: Huntington Treadwell III! He's hardly representative of the African-American experience, Niles.
Niles: His father was a pioneer in Selma and Montgomery.
Frasier: Yes, I believe he built golf courses all over the South.

Frasier: And we're back. All right, Mary, who's our first caller?
Mary: Maria! Uh, she's thirty-six years old... married five years... and her husband's been staying late at the office so he can meet with his secretary.
Frasier: That's the way to do it! Oh. I mean- I'm sorry, Maria. I'm listening.
Maria: "Hi, Dr. Crane. Anyway, he's having an affair and it's not his first. This has been going on since we were newlyweds. How do I get him to change?"
Frasier: Well, Maria. You of course know it's impossible to force anyone to change. But you can work to change yourself. Usually, women that tolerate this sort of behavior from their husbands are suffering from low self-esteem issues. You may need some counseling to resolve those issues. Let me ask you a couple of questions...
Mary: May I say something?
Frasier: Yes.
Mary: Maria, Dr. Crane is right. You must make a change. And the first thing you change is the lock on your front door.
Frasier: What?
Mary: Oh, listen, there's plenty of time for counselors, but at six o'clock locksmiths start charging extra, so you get on it, girlfriend. You know, my Grandpa Willie used to say, "Nothing stops a man from playing the field faster than a night out on the lawn." Okay? Okay!
Frasier: Oh, thank you, Grandpa Willie!

Frasier: You know, Roz, I do hope you don't spend your entire vacation redecorating. You know, you should get out, you know, have some fun. Maybe take a cruise? You don't want to stay in your apartment cooped up with a bunch of sweaty workmen. [Roz looks at Frasier] Bon Voyage.
Roz: Thank you.

Niles: Everything comfy, Daphne? There you are. This quiche should hold you 'til dinner.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, you really don't need to fill in for me, it's just a sprained wrist. I'm perfectly capable of cooking dinner.
Martin: The hell you are.

Niles: Daphne, it is the least I can do, believe me. Until you're fully recovered, consider me your full-time stand-in. Oh, which reminds me, Dad. I rented your favorite video.
Martin: Oh-ho, "Death Wish."
Niles: Oh, I'll get your beer, I'm just frosting the mug in the freezer the way Daphne does.
Daphne: I never frost your beer mug!
Martin: Oh, be quiet, will you? He's feeling very guilty and we have to help him work through it.
Daphne: That is just baloney and you know it. Shame on you, taking advantage of your son. I don't know how you sleep at night.
Martin: Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.
Daphne: He never leaves me cocoa.
Martin: You have to fill out that little card.

Niles: No, no, no. As this handsome certificate will attest, I've finally attained the second level of kickboxing.
Daphne: Oh, congratulations. What made you take up kickboxing?
Niles: Well, in order to protect Mel. Uh, as you know, she's a plastic surgeon. She has a habit of slipping her card to total strangers who she feels could use her services. So far no harm done, but...
Daphne: But it's only a matter of time before you get your lights punched out?
Niles: Exactly. It almost happened last week with Marjorie Dunsmore. Luck was on our side, but next time there might not be a walker to kick over.

Niles: Frasier, who was that woman on your show today?
Frasier: Oh, that was Mary Thomas. She's filling in for Roz this week.
Martin: It seemed to me like she was filling for you.
Niles: You're normally so particular about what happens on your show. I'm surprised you let her go on like that.
Frasier: Well, I started to say something and then I thought, well, it might be a bit condescending.
Martin: I know why you didn't say anything. Cause she's black, isn't it?
Frasier: Oh, that's ridiculous, Dad. Race has nothing to do with it.
Niles: Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.
Frasier: Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother.