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Can't Buy Me Love

‘Can't Buy Me Love’

Season 1, Episode 14 - Aired January 20, 1994

After an attractive model buys Frasier at a charity auction, he ends up spending the evening with her sullen daughter.

Quote from Martin

Martin: Well, your date's left, what are you doing still sitting up?
Frasier: Oh, I was just thinking. I was wondering if my sweet little boy's going to turn out to be a monster when he's twelve.
Martin: What the hell brought that up?
Frasier: Oh, it's a long story. Do you really want to hear it?
Martin: Well, it is getting late. Look, all kids are the same. They start out cute, then somewhere along the way they get into that obnoxious, know-it-all stage and you think they'll never grow out of it.
Frasier: But eventually they do?
Martin: I'm still hoping.


Quote from Niles

Niles: She's riding the rails as we speak.
Daphne: If I may ask, why does she take the train instead of flying?
Niles: She's been afraid to fly since her harrowing incident.
Daphne: Oh, dear. Did a plane almost crash?
Niles: No, no, she was bumped from first class. She still wakes up screaming.

Quote from Bulldog

Bulldog: 4 for 17 on Sunday, he calls himself a quarterback? I've passed kidney stones with more accuracy.

Quote from Roz

Frasier: Roz, Roz. Listen, could you go in there and get my briefcase for me? I was just on my way out but I left it in the studio.
Roz: Why don't you go get it?
Frasier: Well, because every time I go in there, he puts me on the air and humiliates me.
Roz: Well, what do you think he does to me? Last week when I went in to get my car keys, he introduced me as Martina Navratilova's girlfriend.

Quote from Bulldog

Bulldog: Well, look who's just crawled into the doghouse, it's Dr. Frasier Crane! And you know what we always do when we get a house call from the doctor.
Tape: [An Italian accent] Droppa your pants and bend over, I take-a your temperature.
Frasier: Hello, Bulldog.
Bulldog: So, doc? Who's your pick for the Giants-Saints game this weekend?
Frasier: The Giants.
Bulldog: You're kidding!
Frasier: The Saints?
Bulldog: You're kidding!
Frasier: Somebody has to win.
Bulldog: Yeah. They would if the Giants and Saints were playing this weekend! [plays a tape of donkey noises]
Frasier: Yes, that was very funny indeed. I wished you'd played it on my show. It deserves to be heard by a much larger audience. Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Quote from Frasier

Martin: You won't forget to ask Bulldog, will ya?
Frasier: I'll leave a note on his hydrant.

Quote from Roz

Bulldog: Hey, T.J. How was it, man?
T.J.: It was horrible. They're like sharks at a feeding frenzy. The one who bought me had this crazed look in her eye.
[Roz enters]
Roz: Where do I pay?
Frasier: Roz!
Roz: I saw what I wanted and I went after it.

Quote from Daphne

Frasier: So you're back awfully quick.
Bulldog: Hey-hey! I was one of the last guys out there! The money was running low, but here was still one rawhide chew toy out there for the Bulldog.
[A shocked Daphne walks in]
Bulldog: I gotta take a squirt. When I come back, we'll play fetch. [He slaps Daphne on the behind]
Frasier: Oh my God, Daphne. Why?
Daphne: Things were slowing down, so your father asked me to shill. I opened at one hundred, who knew that would be the only bid?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Can I get you, um, a soft drink? Goose liver pate? Renata, that's a pretty name. I suppose it has some poetic, romantic significance?
Renata: Can I use your phone?
Frasier: Now, Renata. We're going to be spending the evening together, let's try to make the best of it, shall we? I may surprise you, you know. I'm probably more "with it" than you think I am. ... The phone's right there.

Quote from Frasier

Renata: Oh, God, another call's coming in.
Frasier: [taking phone] Do you mind? I'd like to take this one, thank you. Hello? [gives phone back] It's for you.
Renata: Hello? Hey, Tiffany.
Frasier: Tiffany? I thought you just spoke to Tiffany?
Renata: That was Tiffany Schwartz. This is Tiffany Martinez.
Frasier: I celebrate the ethnic mosaic that is America, but nonetheless- [hangs up]

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