Bank President: Mr. Crane, as the president of the bank, I want to assure you that it is not our policy to draw firearms on customers trying to make a deposit.
Martin: [wearily] It wasn't a deposit.
Bank President: Now, I'm sure that neither of us wants to turn this into a protracted legal battle, so if you would simply sign this non-disclosure agreement here, here, here, and here. Our attorneys have authorized me to compensate you for your troubles in the amount of $10,000, which can be credited to your account.
Martin: Ten grand?
Bank President: Plus the $40 from our original mistake.
Martin: Oh, what the hell, I just want to get it over with. [Signs the forms.]
Bank President: That's wonderful. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?
Daphne: Could I open an account?

Petyr: [strong Russian accent] You know, the reason for such high prices is the Russian mafia. They control this market.
Niles: The Russian mafia controls Robert's Gourmet Goodies?
Frasier: He means the caviar market, you ninny.

Petyr: You taste.
Frasier: You really must try this, Niles.
Niles: It's like being kissed by a lusty mermaid!

Niles: Frasier, look! Caviar.
Frasier: They haven't had any in ages. This is just what we need to make our soiree soignée. Whoa. Good heavens. It's $100 an ounce.
Niles: Well, it must be mis-marked. [to the owner, Robert] Excuse me. Is the Beluga really $100 an ounce?
Robert: [strong French accent] Yes.
Frasier: Well, isn't that rather a lot to pay?
Robert: To you, yes. To the fish who gave up her life so that you could spread her unborn children on a cracker, it's not so much.

Petyr: So, you are interested, yes?
Frasier: Maybe, but how can we be sure that you are not Russian mafia yourself?
Petyr: Because for six generations my family fished the Caspian. Then ten years ago, the bastards come. They burn my father's boat. They steal my mother's salt so she cannot prepare the roe. And if they know I sell Beluga for $40 an ounce! They would cut out my tongue and pluck out my eyes!
Niles: Did you say $40 an ounce?

Niles: Shouldn't our caviar be here by now?
Frasier: It'll be here, Niles. I gave Roz explicit instructions.
Niles: What if we've been swindled? What if the tins are filled with sand?
Frasier: Niles, I am, as you know, an excellent judge of character. And in Petyr, I saw an honest, hard-working fisherman.
Daphne: Why didn't you have him deliver it here?
Frasier: What? I don't want him knowing where I live.

Daphne: Oh, come on. There's a toll-free service number right here on the receipt. Just call them and tell them what happened.
Martin: Why should I?
Daphne: Because otherwise, you could end up like my brother Nigel and his baby teeth.
[The three Crane men exchange silent glances, wondering who will crack and ask Daphne to elaborate]
Niles: What happened with your brother Nigel and his baby teeth?
Daphne: Well, like any child, the first time he had a tooth fall out he put it under his pillow at bedtime. And sure enough, the next morning he found that Winston Churchill had left him a shiny new coin.
Martin: Question.
Niles: No, Dad, we're not stopping. Go ahead, Darling.
Daphne: Well, instead of being grateful, he got greedy and went off to school, punching people in their mouths and scooping up their teeth. Of course, it didn't work and he got kicked out of school, became a thief, and eventually went to prison.
[Martin doesn't understand the point of this story. He signals his confusion to Frasier]
Frasier: Where he... fittingly had all of his teeth knocked out?
Daphne: No, he lost his teeth years earlier in a rock-eating contest. Now that's an interesting story. We were renting a house next to a quarry at the time...
Martin: All right, all right. I'll call the bank!

Mr. Michaels: Very kind of you to have us here, Crane.
Mrs. Michaels: Yes, it's wonderful. But then you must be used to hosting successful parties.
Frasier: Oh, not really. Something's usually on fire by now.
Mrs. Michaels: Oh, you're funny.
Frasier: No, I'm serious.

Niles: What you doing, Dad?
Martin: Oh, this stupid bank's automated voice system. It's like a maze!
Frasier: All right, give it here. [taking the phone] You just push 0 and you'll get an operator. Little trick I learned. Another menu, hmm. Sometimes it's a star. All right, maybe 1 will get me back to a main menu. Ah. Here you go.
Martin: Got me to the right department?
Frasier: No, but if I remember my high school Spanish correctly, you just qualified for a small-business loan.

Teller: Hi, can I help you?
Martin: Yes, uh, I was at one of your ATM's yesterday, and it gave me back more than it should have, so I want to-
Teller: Okay, for that you're going to need to complete an ATM trouble report and then take it to our operations officer at the desk over there.
Martin: You mean I have to fill this out before I can give you 40 bucks?
Teller: Yes, sir.
Martin: But your sign says, "Making banking simpler!"
Teller: Yes, sir.
Martin: Well, this isn't simpler, it's more complicated.
Teller: Yes, sir, it is.