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33Quotes from ‘Mary Christmas’

Frasier: Mary Christmas

808. Mary Christmas

Aired December 12, 2000

After Frasier finally gets the chance to host Seattle's Christmas Parade, he is disappointed when "Dr. Mary" is chosen as his co-anchor.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Oh, Niles. I hope you had the presence of mind to bring presents of mine.
Niles: I haven't heard that line since last year. But then again, Christmas is the season for chestnuts.

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Quote from Martin

Martin: Oh, that's it. I know I should have stocked my old Ballantines as soon as they stopped making it. Now, I can't find a single can. Christmas is ruined.
Daphne: Christmas is about more than beer, Mr. Crane.
Niles: Yeah. And this year's extra special because Daphne and I are together.
Martin: Well, that's true. No more Mel, no Maris, no Lilith... maybe I won't need beer this Christmas.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, we've got just about a minute before we go to the news. I understand we have Tom from Freemont on line one. Go ahead, Tom.
Tom: "I don't want to be squeezed into a minute, I will go on after the news."
Frasier: Well, why don't you tell me your problem now and then I can give you my reply when we come back.
Tom: "No, I'll wait."
Frasier: Very well. Roz, who else do we have?
Roz: We have Brian on a car phone.
Frasier: Ah. Go ahead, Brian, I'm listening.
Brian: "For what? Thirty seconds? I'll wait, too."

Quote from Roz

Frasier: Giddy up, giddy up, let's go to the Seattle Christmas Parade this Saturday. Broadcast live on Channel 6 TV and hosted by Kelly Kirkland of Channel 6's Kelly and Cal Show. You know, I must say that Kelly Kirkland is a real treasure. She's sincere and charming and... well, just about as likable as sunshine. We'll be right back.
Roz: [entering Frasier's booth] Are you okay?
Frasier: Well, of course, why?
Roz: Oh, I was afraid with all that sucking up you might have burst a lung.

Quote from Kenny

Roz: "Warm Bread for the Soul" by Dr. Mary.
Frasier: I see you're still identifying yourself as a doctor.
Mary: But now it's true. You read the inside cover.
Frasier: Oh? Dr. Mary has healed thousands of Seattle radio listeners and is a summa cum laude graduate of the School of Hard Knocks.
Mary: Yes.
Frasier: Mary, I hate to quibble about things like accreditation and such...
Kenny: [entering] Whoa, it's like the American Medical Association in here.

Quote from Kenny

Kenny: So, isn't this great? Dr. Mary's coming back to KACL.
Roz: Oh, hey, congratulations.
Frasier: Oh, yes, congratulations, indeed. I... I must have missed that memo.
Kenny: Yes, she was doing so great in the ratings we had to steal her back. Now, I thought your doctors took an oath not to hurt anybody. You were killing us.

Quote from Niles

Niles: What is it with you and this parade?
Frasier: Oh, Niles, don't you remember when we were kids? We'd sit on the couch and cradle our cocoas and stay up late to watch our holiday hosts, Bob Vernon and Sergeant Michelle, the...
Both: ...traffic lady!
Niles: Oh, I haven't thought about them in years.
Frasier: You know, to me, that was always the official beginning of Christmas. And now this is my chance to usher in the season for a whole new generation.
Niles: I loved Sergeant Michelle. To this day, every time I cross against the light, I feel like I'm letting her down.

Quote from Niles

Niles: All right, what is that fetid smell?
Frasier: Oh, oh, that's the food. I'm preparing dishes that have been featured on Kelly's show. [oven timer pings] Oh, Lord, that'll be my hobo casserole.
Niles: Hobo. That's the smell.

Quote from Daphne

Daphne: So, where are we going for dinner tonight?
Niles: Well, er, it's your pick. All though, word on the street has it that Chez Du Mont has the most delectable Hudson Valley foie gras.
Daphne: Niles, you're spoiling me. All this rich food's gonna start catching up with my figure.
Niles: Oh, not you my little hummingbird, never.
Daphne: You're as sweet as a chocolate soufflé. Let's get some of those, tonight.

Quote from Niles

Kelly: [to Frasier] Do I smell Hobo Casserole?
Niles: Yes. Close your eyes, it's like you're under a railroad bridge.

Quote from Frasier

Kenny: Hey, doc. Oh, Frasier, I sure wish you hadn't done that little promo.
Frasier: Why? Kelly told me I had the job, her word is good enough for me.
Kenny: I've got some bad news.
Frasier: I knew I couldn't trust that woman, and after I had her to my home for that hillbilly buffet!
Kenny: She's got food poisoning. She'll be laid up for days.
Frasier: Oh, tough blow.

Quote from Kenny

Frasier: But, I'm nothing if not a team player. You know, I'll do the parade myself.
Kenny: Boy, you really know how to land on your feet, doc. But, er, you're still going to have a co-host. Listen, nothing officially yet, but there are a few names that are floating around.
[Frasier looks at the window to the corridor, where a group of women are congratulating Mary. She mouths the words "You and Me" to Frasier and he happily points back.]
Kenny: I'll let you know if I hear anything.

Quote from Martin

Daphne: Maybe I'll heat up some cider for the parade.
Niles: Oh, sounds good to me. Dad?
Martin: I guess. Parade just won't be the same without Ballantine.
Niles: Is anything the same to you without Ballantine?
Martin: Sure, lots of stuff. ... Nah, not really.

Quote from Daphne

[After opening his Christmas present of a six-pack of Ballantine's]
Martin: Thank you so much. How'd you keep it cold?
Daphne: I hid it in the vegetable crisper. I knew you'd never look there.

Quote from Frasier

Mary: And here comes our first float, Frosty the Snowman.
Frasier: You know, Mary, historically speaking the first float was probably the Trojan horse, which was a gift from the people of Troy. Once brought inside the city walls, however, they discovered it was filled with Greek soldiers, who slaughtered their Trojan enemies in the street. Of course, modern floats have come a long way since then. ... We hope!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: As you can see,Mary, this enormous stocking is overstuffed with presents.
Mary: Oh, I'd like to tear into one of those gifts right now.
Frasier: Well, not until Christmas morning, Mary. You know, in my house, we don't even shake the boxes.

Quote from Martin

[After hearing Frasier's line about not opening presents early]
Niles: We're going to need some wrapping paper.
Daphne: There's a couple of rolls in my room.
Martin: I'll get some tape.

Quote from Frasier

Santa: Do you think that Dr. Mary could help Santa to cheer up his elves?
Mary: Why don't you give them some candy?
Santa: That's a great idea.
Frasier: No, that's a terrible idea. Your elves are probably suffering from seasonal-affective disorder. Now, loading them up with sweets will only aggravate the problem!
Santa: Kids love candy.
Frasier: Elves are not kids, they're tiny men.

Quote from Frasier

Mary: Well, if you want my opinion...
Frasier: No, thank you, Mary. We've been listening to your opinions all night, and frankly there isn't enough room left in our heads for another one, now if you would just get back in...
[Frasier swings out his arm, hitting Santa Claus in the nose with his microphone]
Frasier: I'm so sorry.
Santa: What the hell's wrong with you? Look, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding.
Frasier: It was an accident.
Santa: I'm feeling dizzy.
Director: Cue the tape. I don't care what tape, find something.
Woman: What's wrong with you? You attacked Santa Claus.
Frasier: Look, it was an accident. Wasn't it, Mary? You saw it.
Mary: Oh, now, you want my opinion. Honey, you're on your own.

Quote from Frasier

Mary: Merry Christmas, Frasier.
Frasier: Merry Christmas, Mary.
Mary: Well, I'm gonna get on out of here, now.
Frasier: Right, right. You know, I'd offer to walk you to your car but there's still some angry parents in the parking lot.

Quote from Frasier

Bob: I want to introduce myself. I'm Bob Vernon.
Frasier: Bob- Bob Vernon?
Bob: That's right.
Frasier: Oh, it's an honor, sir.
Bob: Thank you.
Frasier: Say, you didn't watch the parade this evening did you?
Bob: Well, I turned it off when the smelling salts started making Santa nauseous. You know, Frasier, I got off to a rather rough start at this parade myself.
Frasier: You did?
Bob: Oh, yes. Sergeant Michelle and I had absolutely no rapport that first year.
Frasier: No?!
Bob: Frankly, she got on my nerves. You know, she wasn't a real sergeant.
Frasier: No?

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Is there any chance that you'd like to join me in a little banter?
Bob: It would be an honor.
Frasier: Right here. Say, Bob. Have you ever seen eighty beavers march in perfect rhythm?
Bob: Frasier, everyone knows beavers can't march.
Frasier: They can, when they're the marching beavers of the riverside high school band.
Bob: Oh, you tricked me.
Frasier: Sorry, Bob.


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