Niles: This is the autograph Jackson Hedley gave me in junior high school.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. "Dear Coach Pellit, please excuse Niles from gym, for obvious reasons."
Niles: The other side.
Frasier: Ah, yes. "To Niles, my kingdom for more fans like you. Jackson Hedley."

Roz: Frasier, I knew when you bought me lunch there was going to be a catch. How long is this gonna take?
Frasier: Well, it shouldn't take too long, Roz. I can't believe I'm actually scouring a science-fiction convention for "X-Men" comics. I feel like I'm contributing to the decline of my son's intellect.
Roz: Then why are you doing it?
Frasier: Well, because I said no to the eyebrow ring.

Frasier: Excuse me, um, what's Jackson Hedley doing here?
Dwayne: Signing autographs, and being awesome. They've got the whole cast of "Space Patrol" coming this weekend.
Frasier: You mean Jackson Hedley was on a television show?
Dwayne: What, are you kidding? He's Tobor, the ship's android. Where've you been, man?
Frasier: I don't know. Reading, attending the theater, getting haircuts.

Noel: Hi, Roz!
Roz: Hi, Noel.
Noel: So you're a closet Trekker. I always had a feeling we were more than mere coworkers. This explains the heat between us.
Roz: I feel heat all right, because I'm in hell.

Frasier: Hello, Mr. Hedley. Uh, may I say, it's an honor to see you again.
Jackson: Thank you. So what would you like to be autographed today?
Frasier: Actually, I already have your autograph. I got it after seeing your performance of Hamlet.
Jackson: Oh, my. That was a long time ago.
Frasier: But not forgotten. May I say, on behalf of my brother and myself, thank you for opening our young eyes to the wonders of Shakespeare.
Jackson: You are more than welcome.
Frasier: Tell me, do you get to do much theater anymore?
Jackson: Oh no, I'm afraid those days are over. The show became so popular. I can't get cast as anything but an android. A cyborg. Or, when I get the chance to really spread my wings, a mutant.

Niles: If only people could see him the way we did.
Frasier: Niles, how difficult would it be to mount Jackson's one-man show? It's relatively simple.
Niles: That's true. There's minimal scenery, no supporting ca- Wait a minute, are you suggesting-
Frasier: Well, why not? There's certainly no shortage of theaters in this town.
Niles: We could do it on a Monday night when they're all dark anyway.
Frasier: We could revive the man's career. Just think what a gift it would be to return this man to the stage, where he belongs!
Niles: It would be like repaying him for giving us the gift of Shakespeare!
Frasier: Yes, and if the evening goes very well, then who knows? We could be in for a long run, we might even take it on the road.
Niles: Why not a television special, we'd reach a much larger audience.
Frasier: It could become a cottage industry. T-shirts, posters, personal appearances.
Niles: Thank God we've come along to save this man.

Frasier: Gosh, Niles, I can't wait to show Jackson his new venue. Gosh, what an honor it is to be reuniting such a great talent with the stage. Is he here yet?
Niles: No, he's cutting the opening ribbon at Galaxy Mattresses.
Frasier: Well, once this show opens he'll be able to throw away his oversize novelty shears.

Frasier: Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you to a hall in Elsinore Castle.
Niles: Denmark.
Jackson: Ohhhhhh, I die, Horatio! [exaggerated gasp] The potent poison quite o'er-crows my spirit! [exaggerated gasp] I cannot live to hear the news from England. But I do prophesy the election lights on Fortinbras. [exaggerated gasp] He has my dying voice, the rest is... [exaggerated whisper] silence! [exaggerated gasp] ... You know, you boys were right. It's as if I never left.

Niles: Frasier, I got your message, it sounded urgent.
Frasier: Yes, yes, it's about Jackson.
Niles: Oh please, don't tell me he's getting any worse. Yesterday, I saw the stagehands passing out earplugs.
Frasier: It's not his fault. He's only rusty. After years on that ridiculous space opera, he's picked up some bad habits. Well, I was fortunate enough to find a videotape of his one-man show. Once he sees this, it will remind him of what good acting is. You know, shake loose the artist from the android.
Niles: That, sir, is why you are the first "Crane" in "Crane & Crane Productions".

Frasier: Mr. Hedley, it's not the director. We have a problem.
Jackson: What sort of problem?
Frasier: Let me be frank, because an artist of your caliber deserves honesty. An acting performance is a journey of discovery. This brief rehearsal time that we've given you is-is far too short to reach Parnassus, home of the Muses.
Niles: Forgive us for being so blunt.
Jackson: Oh, I see. We're getting to the real problem. I've got untested producers, and they've got the jitters. Ah, but not to worry, it's perfectly natural. Do you know I've never worked with producers who haven't wanted to pull the plug before the opening night? But I won't let you quit. This show is going on. In the words of our great author, "Stiffen the sinews. Summon up the blood. Disguise fair nature with hard-favored rage. Then lend the eye a terrible aspect!" [exits]
Niles: I think he's getting better, don't you?