Niles: Oh, well, I'm- I'm stunned of course. The idea that Maris actually killed someone.
Frasier: Well, we've all seen her murder many a lively dinner party.
Niles: Frasier!
Martin: That's terrible.
Frasier: Oh, come on, I'm joking. And haven't I earned the right to my gallows humor? After all, are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead?

Reporter: Is Niles Crane in here?
Frasier: He is not. I will be speaking on his behalf. Gentlemen, you may roll tape. [addressing the cameras] Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, spokesman for the Crane family. Recent events involving my brother, Niles Crane and his ex-wife are tragic. Almost as tragic as the rampant media speculation concerning his involvement. If there is any justice in the world, Maris Crane and Niles Crane will soon be executed. Thank you. That is all I have to say.

Daphne: So where is she now?
Martin: They're holding her as a flight risk.
Niles: Can you imagine?
Martin: Well, it didn't help that when they found her, she had a passport, a wig, and $10,000 in her purse.
Niles: Maris always has those things in her purse.

Frasier: "Maris Crane is believed to have gotten the crossbow from her ex-husband, Dr. Niles Crane, with whom she lunched on the day of the murder."
Martin: Is that you and Maris on your honeymoon?
Niles: Ah, that is the experimental liposuction center in Gstaad. [wistfully] So, yes.

Niles: Oh, that was Maris. Poor thing lost her shoes. She put them outside her cell to be polished, and someone named Big Judy is holding them for ransom.

Roz: Is he okay?
Frasier: It's just a panic attack. It's happened before, but he's never been quite this close to butterfly-net territory.
Frasier: [to James] May I have your apron, please? [to the waitress] And, and yours? All right, Niles. I'm going to wrap you up like a big, green Christmas present. You like Christmas, don't you? There we are.
Roz: Okay, listen up! Me and my friends are going to back out of here, nice and easy. As far as any of you are concerned, this never happened. And if any of you decide to be a hero and call the police, trust me, I will find you!

Roz: Oh, Niles.
James: I'm calling the cops.
Roz: The hell you are! This man's tips alone have probably paid for all the pot you'll ever smoke. Just back off, cowboy! And that goes for the rest of you, too.

Martin: Yeah, and the interesting thing happened when we were leaving. We ran into Maris's lawyer on the way out.
Niles: And he told us the whole story. Apparently, Maris and Esteban had a fight, and Maris kicked him out. She was trying to calm herself by practicing her tableau vivant pose with the, with the crossbow. Which, she needs all the practice she can get. She has terribly weak triceps. Well, all of a sudden Esteban burst back in through the balcony window. Maris was-was startled to death and pulled the trigger in self-defense. He was dead before he hit the parquet.

Frasier: Well, uh, I- I guess I deserved that. But may I remind you I'm a bit of a victim myself... as just yesterday I was punched in the face by a man... now dead. [They bow their hands in shame] Thank you.

Niles: It's the police. They want to talk to me.
Daphne: My God, why? They don't suspect you of anything, do they?
Niles: Oh, I don't think so. I don't think they could. They couldn't, could they? Dad?
Martin: Calm down. You had lunch with her today. They just want to know what you talked about.
Niles: Well, what did we talk about? What did we talk about? Uh, we-we discussed the upcoming women's arts festival and their tableau vivant. They're going to be re-enacting Schmitt's painting of "The Martyrdom of St. Ursula by Atila the Hun." Naturally, Maris will pose as the Hun. A tad dramatic for my taste, but nonetheless I told her I'd help out by lending her my antique crossbow to help complete the tragic scene on the Rhone. Of course, talk of the Rhone inevitably led to that wonderful anecdote about the Nazarene painters of Biddlespock Palace... [laughing]
Frasier: [laughing] Those beer-loving rascals. Tell it, Niles.