Frasier: Everyone, I would like to introduce you to the newest member of our furniture family!
[Frasier reveals an exact copy of Martin's chair, minus all the duct tape that had been added over the years]
Martin: Oh! Where did you find this?
Frasier: You can't find that, Dad. It doesn't exist anymore. Which is why I contacted a master builder, showed him some photographs, and had him duplicate it. As for the material, I tracked down the original manufacturer, and once I got them to admit they made it, I had them reweave it!
Daphne: It must have cost a fortune.
Frasier: Yes. Ironically, this is now the most expensive piece of furniture in the entire apartment.

Frasier: What the hell's happened?
Martin: Now, don't get upset. I was oiling my chair, trying to get rid of the squeak, and I had a little spill.
Frasier: A little spill? I just this carpet cleaned!
Martin: Well, I'm sorry. It was an accident.
Frasier: Sure, Dad. "It was an accident."
Niles: It was an accident. I saw him step on it.
Frasier: Niles, you know as well as I do, there are no accidents. Just admit it, Dad, your latent hostility toward me has been building through the years, little by little, until you've finally struck the Achilles Heel of my decor, the Berber carpet!

Martin: Well, what's wrong with liking plain old coffee, the way God made it?
Frasier: Nothing. What is wrong is subjecting me to the same shop-worn bellyaching every time you come in here.
Martin: Well, excuse me for having an opinion you don't agree with. I thought this was America. Oh look, it is.

Niles: What color is the new carpet?
Frasier: I'm going up a shade to ... "Harvest Wheat."
Niles: I thought the next shade up was "Buff."
Frasier: It used to be, but they've discovered a whole new color in between.
Niles: So now it's "Tofu, Putty, Oatmeal"...
Both: "Almond, Harvest Wheat"...
Frasier: "and Buff."
Niles: That's going to be hard to get used to.

Frasier: But clearly I was wrong. I mean, why on earth would I do such a thing?
Martin: Because you've always been gunning for that chair. I accidentally stain your carpet, and you set fire to the one thing in this apartment I care about and heave it out into the street!

Martin: It's something I got to tell you how sorry I am for being such a sorehead.
Frasier: Oh, Dad... I'm overwhelmed.
Martin: Tied the bow myself. Just pull on it, it'll come right off.
Frasier: Oh... oh, how unexpected.
Martin: You don't like it.
Frasier: No, no, I- I do. It's just that-
Martin: I got some guy named Eduardo to help me. I figured I couldn't miss.
Frasier: It's divine.
Martin: That's what Eduardo said.

Frasier: Dad, I can explain!
Martin: You threw my chair off the balcony?
Frasier: I'm so sorry. Just hear me out...
Martin: Are you crazy?
Frasier: I didn't mean to.
Martin: Forget what it means to me, you could have killed someone.
Frasier: It was an accident!
Martin: You said there are no accidents!

Frasier: What do we do? What do we say?
Niles: All right, all right, calm down. The important thing is it didn't hit anyone.
Frasier: Yes, at least we have that. But how do we explain this?
Niles: We-we just tell them what happened as clearly and rationally as possible.
Frasier: Right, right, rational.
[The elevator doors open to Martin and Daphne]
Frasier: Oh my God, did you feel that earthquake?

Daphne: He's so lucky to be musical. [to Niles] I'd give my right hand to be able to play the piano the way you do.
Niles: Hmm, sounds a bit like O. Henry meets Steven King, but still, if you're serious, I'd be willing to give you lessons.
Daphne: I'd love that. I've wanted to play ever since I was little, and my family would sing rugby songs after my brothers' matches. I can still see them, all muddied and bloodied, belting out songs like "The Old She-Crab" and "I Like A Moose." Once, one of Michael's teeth fell out right in the middle of "Four Old Whores".

Roz: I'm so sorry it didn't work out with Lucy last night, but don't worry. I have tons of other friends better than her.
Frasier: Well, thanks for starting at the bottom and working your way up.