Daphne: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you picture poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
Frasier: Only if they moved the bars closer together.

Frasier: Just show him the charges, Niles.
Niles: Yes, here we are. Quite a few.
Jerome: "Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment." Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
Frasier: Oh, yes. She's ounces of fun.

Frasier: What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?

Niles: Well, you see, last week my lady got on the wrong side of "Larry Law," and since then certain, shall we say,
"complications" have arisen, and in brief, things have got "hot-hot-hot," and we believe you are the man to "turn on the air conditioning."
Jerome: I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.

Frasier: Morning Daphne, Dad.
Daphne: Shhh! You'll ruin his concentration. He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our newspaper. He's been at it for over an hour. I must say, I can see why he was such a good policeman.
[As Frasier walks over to Martin, who is slouched on a chair by the door, we can hear him snoring]
Frasier: Yes, very impressive, isn't he? When he wakes up you must get him to tell you about his stint as security coordinator for Jimmy Hoffa.

Niles: This morning, for the first time since our separation, Maris actually picked up the phone and called me. She needs a favor.
Frasier: Well, Niles, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate. She called you just because she wants something?
Niles: No, no, not "wants," Frasier; "needs." This is my chance to show her how necessary I really am to her, and all I have to do is fix one small problem.
Martin: What's the problem?
Niles: Uh, she's wanted by the police. Apparently, she was driving past a shoe store last week, when she spotted a stunning pair of Ferragamo pumps. Well, I need not remind you what effect a Ferragamo sighting can have on Maris's hand-eye coordination. She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.

Martin: No, I hope everything works out for you, but I happen to think the law should be the same for everyone.
Niles: Well, it's not. We'd all like to believe that justice is blind, but the sad truth is, wealthy white women just can't get a fair shake. The courts love to make examples of them.
Daphne: Oh, they do. Just think of Zsa Zsa Gabor or Leona Helmsley.
Frasier: Oh yes, two perfectly lovely women victimized by an unjust system.

Niles: Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair.
Frasier: Well, right back at you. I take it things didn't go down so well down at the station?
Niles: The police simply would not listen to reason.
Roz: Police?
Niles: They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines. I felt sure they'd ease up if they understood Maris a little better, so I tried to explain her to them.
Frasier: Oh, dear God!

Roz: You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the cops...
Niles: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.

Niles: Oh, Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
Roz: The next time you think of some witty little thing to say about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, just keep it to yourself.
Niles: [looking her up and down] Consider it done.