Frasier: Yes well, Daphne, don't be too hard on him. The Crane men haven't had a great deal of success in the romance department lately. We're all a bit gun-shy.
Daphne: Ah, yes, gun-shy, sensitive, picky. You're all full of excuses. You know, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house.

Frasier: Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism that's credited to the great thinker Spinoza...
Roz: Oh God. [takes first call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
Mary: "Hi, I'm kind of... indecisive."
Roz: Well, I'm not. [takes next call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
Roger: "I'm thinking of changing careers, I feel kinda trapped."
Roz: Well, it's not a very exciting problem, but I'll see if I can get you on. Hold, please. [takes next call] Frasier Crane Show, what's your problem?
Bill: "It's sort of embarrassing."
Roz: Amen!
Bill: "I was a bed-wetter as a child and I think the problem's coming back."
Roz: Great. Hold, please. [goes back to Roger] Hey, Career Change, I've got a bed-wetter holding. When you say "trapped," is it possible you feel you are a woman trapped inside a man's body?
Roger: "I don't think so."
Roz: I don't think I can get you on today, then.
Roger: "Gee, I really wanted to talk to him... I guess that could be part of it."
Roz: Good answer. Hold, please. [to Bill] Hey Bed-Wetter, I've got a transsexual in crisis, you gotta beat that. Have you ever wet a bed with anyone else in it? A hooker, a stripper, or maybe your best friend's wife?
Bill: "No."
Roz: Do you want to talk to the doc or not?
Bill: "OK. Er, I guess the third one."
Roz: Hold, please. [to Roger] Hey Transsexual.
Roger: "Is that me?"
Roz: Yeah. Have you ever run for political office, or considered running for political office?
Roger: "What, you mean like congressman or something?"
Roz: Perfect!

Daphne: A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.
Frasier: Yes, where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?

Niles: And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known...
Frasier: Oh that's very flattering, Niles...
Niles: Dr. Bernard Schenkman, our new marriage counselor. And he is nothing short of a wizard. And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am. It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche. I-I don't know exactly what to call it.
Frasier: The words "Krazy Glue" leap to mind.

Frasier: Gee Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea...
Niles: Frasier, I know you mean well, and I love you and respect you, so please don't take offense when I point out that, with your track record in relationships, you're about the last person who should be giving advice.
Frasier: Fair enough.
Niles: Oh, and do look over the files. Those couples really need our help.

Dr. Schenkman: Listen, whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach my guilt.
Niles: Don't bet on it.
Dr. Schenkman: Ah, good. That's good. Vent that rage. You have every right to.
Niles: You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission to be angry?
Dr. Schenkman: Furious.
Niles: Ah-ah.
Dr. Schenkman: Livid.
Niles: Ah.
Dr. Schenkman: Yes, you're dealing with it very well, by the way. I don't suppose you'd dare-
Niles: No. Do you realize you could lose your license for having an affair with a patient?
Dr. Schenkman: Yes, and I deserve to. But it was a risk worth taking, because of love. Oh! I love her, Niles. I've never known a woman so warm, so nurturing, so unselfish...
Niles: Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity?

Niles: They're in love, they plan to get married.
Frasier: He told you that?
Niles: Mmm-hmm. And she confirmed it when she walked in, once she'd stopped shrieking and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.

Niles: Let her marry Schenkman, they deserve each other.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?
Niles: Well, I reached the front gate and I was just about to ring the doorbell to ask her to let me in, when it suddenly dawned on me how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman through gates, through windows, through key holes, and through transoms and... in one disastrous instance, through the pet door.
Frasier: Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine on those Chihuahua bites.

Martin: Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately.
Frasier: [as his glass is refilled] Thank you, dad.
Martin: Things with Sherry fizzled, Sleeping Beauty tonight. I think maybe I deserve the booby prize.
Niles: I'll challenge you. Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
Martin: Geez, I didn't need to hear that!
Niles: No, no, it was an accident. It was pitch dark, I thought he was Maris.
Frasier: A natural mistake. Uh, what tipped you off?
Niles: The heat from her side of the bed.

Frasier: Well, it's Saturday night. And here we are... again.
Martin: Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.
Niles: Thousands. Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.
Frasier: Well, come and get us, Seattle! Three Cranes, no waiting.
Martin: We're desperate!
Frasier: We're ludicrous!
Niles: We're pathetic!