Niles: I should have known this would happen. I always throw out my back when I try to lift Maris's luggage.
Daphne: Why didn't you hire a skycap?
Niles: Oh, we did for most of it, but Maris won't trust strangers with her makeup case, ever since a ham-handed porter dropped it and broke three vials of rare Swiss lamb placenta. On the upside, the calfskin lining of her case was never more soft and supple.

Daphne: Oh, I need a cup of tea.
Frasier: Tea!? Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing, "God save the Queen"?

Martin: Now, listen. On the off chance that the guard asks you a question, can you say anything in an American accent?
Daphne: [in an American accent] Sure.
Martin: Okay, what?
Daphne: You just heard it!
Martin: What?
Daphne: [in an American accent] "Sure." That's it. That's all I can say.

Frasier: So, how long do you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone?
Martin: Well, if we drive all night we'll be there tomorrow.
Frasier: Oh. It'll be a nice surprise for the two of them when they wake up in the morning.
Martin: Yeah. I've got a better surprise than that: let's tell Daphne we're in Mexico!

Martin: We don't have a rabies certificate for the dog.
Guard: I knew something was going on here.
Martin: Yeah, well you see, we weren't planning on coming here, and when we got to the border we just forgot all about it.
Niles: And I for one, didn't even know that you needed one.
Frasier: Yes, but ignorance of the law is no defense so take the little dog away and we'll be off!

Frasier: Niles, listen, listen. If Dad and I get into a Winnebago together only one of us will come out alive. You've got to come with us.
Niles: Frasier, you're my brother. That entitles you to my bone marrow and one of my kidneys, but this is an imposition.

Guard: What was the purpose of your trip to Canada, sir?
Niles: .... Fun.
Guard: ... I see.

Niles: Well, what if they pull us over?
Martin: Well, then Daphne's just got to convince them that she's an American.
Daphne: Bloody right! It beats having me bum bounced back across the pond. Let's give it a bash.
Frasier: Oh, yes. This is foolproof.

Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day. The two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was thirteen before I realized cows aren't blurry.

Daphne: Where did Mrs. Crane go, anyway?
Niles: She's making her annual pilgrimage to the holy land.
Martin: I thought she was going to Dallas to visit her sister.
Niles: That is her holy land. It's the site of the first Nieman Marcus.