Penelope: Frasier? Where's your father off to?
Frasier: He, he had to take more pills.
Penelope: My goodness, I had no idea he was on so much medication. Are you concerned?
Frasier: Well, not really, no. He'll be fine. I just wish I could same the same for our old high school.
William: What are you three taking about?
Niles: William, there you are. Excuse us. I just wanted to alert you to a possible situation. I overheard one of the servers discussing a one-act play he wanted your mother to produce.
William: Okay, which one?
Niles: I think it was something by Chekhov.

Niles: Do you have any idea who that was?
Martin: Yeah, she said her name was Penelope "John Veer" or "Jeen Veeair" or something.
Frasier: Janvier, Dad. "Jean", "Jean". Oh, it doesn't matter.
Martin: Well it does to me. I wanna say her name right if we're having dinner tomorrow.
Frasier: You didn't ask her out, did you Dad?
Martin: No, she asked me out.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry, Dad, it's just that I'm a little shocked.
Martin: Actually, I think that's pronounced "Sorry, Dad, I'm a condescending jackass."

Penelope: If I let you leave without knowing if you're sick, I'll worry all night.
Frasier: And you wouldn't want that, now would you, Dad? Here we are.
Martin: All right, all right.
Frasier: Doctor, be thorough.
Martin: But the pants stay on.

Frasier: You got a cell phone?
Martin: Well, sure, I had to. You don't think I gave them both my home number, do you? Come on, Fras, that's amateur hour. See, I programmed the phone for different rings depending on who's calling, so that way I don't get caught off guard. Now, this is "William Tell", rhymes with "Estelle." [answering the phone] Hello? ... Oh, hi, Este... nelope! [to Frasier] Penelope. That's right, her son's name's William.

Frasier: Well, Niles, it's official, our old high school is on the verge of bankruptcy.
Niles: Well, what happened to the fundraising committee?
Frasier: We disbanded it this morning.
Niles: I don't believe it. Bryce Academy gone. No more third floor library. No more science lab.
Frasier: Oh, gosh. I stole my first kiss in that science lab. Jill Solomon. She was pretty upset about it, but I was beaming all the way to the nurse's office.
Niles: No more nurse's office? I spent many a happy gym class there.

Niles: Now, how soon do you think we can get some of our well-to-do friends together?
Frasier: No time to waste, Niles. How's Wednesday evening?
Niles: I can't, theater tickets. How 'bout Thursday?
Frasier: I've got an appointment at the spa.
Niles: Well, can you change it?
Frasier: Well, not willingly. It's with the good masseur, the blind one.
Niles: He's blind? When they said he couldn't see clients, I thought he was just booked all week.

Frasier: Wait! Niles, at the door, isn't that...?
Niles: Oh, yes it is. Eleanor Lynch. I hear she got a huge settlement from the Mariners after that bat flew into the stands and...
Frasier: No, no, no, the woman next to her. Isn't that Penelope Janvier?
Niles: Of the Penelope Janvier Foundation? Yes, it is.
Frasier: Niles, this is amazing luck. She could write a check covering the whole amount without batting an eye.
Niles: Yes. Don't put it that way in front of Eleanor.

Niles: Dad, hey. How was your evening?
Martin: Ah, couldn't have gone better.
Frasier: Dad, am I mistaken, or did we just hear the sound of a woman's voice out here?
Martin: Oh, yeah, she's in the powder room, but listen...
Frasier: The powder room. I haven't changed the hand towels for three days!
[Niles tsks]
Frasier: Don't you cluck your tongue at me!

Niles: You're going to date both of them? Are you sure that's wise?
Martin: It's just dating. I met 'em both at the same time. I like 'em both. Where's the harm in it?
Frasier: Well, don't you think that's a bit risky? What if one of them should find out?
Niles: Penelope for example.
Frasier: Yes, yes, you wouldn't want to alienate her permanently.
Martin: Oh, don't worry. I've watched you juggle. I've got a pretty good handle on what not to do.

James: I'm sorry, ma'am, we're out of lemon bars.
Roz: Well, make some more. And give me a dirty pan. I need to put it in my sink.
James: I'm sorry. Our baker doesn't come in until tomorrow. I can give you the recipe.
Roz: What am I supposed to do with that?
James: Bake?
Roz: Is that supposed to be funny?