Martin Crane Quotes Page 1 of 93

Quote from The Two Mrs. Cranes

Niles: So, now you've met the whole Crane clan.
Clive: Although, Daphne, I noticed in the phone book your surname still is Moon.
Niles: Oh, that must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. It's Moon-Crane.
Martin: I remember the first time I ever drove a moon crane. Damn near rolled it into the Sea of Tranquility.

Quote from The Good Son

Delivery Man: Where do you want it?
Martin: Where's the TV?
Niles: It's in that credenza.
Martin: Point it at that.
Delivery Man: What about this chair?
Niles: The chair? Here, let me get it out of your way.
Frasier: Niles. Niles, be careful with that! That's a Wassily! Oh. Dad, as dear as I'm sure this piece is to you, I just don't think it goes with anything here.
Martin: I know. It's eclectic.

Quote from The Crucible

Martin: What are you doing to do now?
Frasier: Well, they forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
Martin: 555-3000.
Frasier: Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them. Hello. Oh, yes, just a second. Dad, who do I ask for?
Martin: Have them put you through to the Fine Arts Forgery Department.
Frasier: Hello, yes, the Fine Arts Forgery Department, please. Dad! They're laughing at me.
Martin: Give me the phone. Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris! Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. Yeah, give my best to the guys. Thanks. Yeah, bye.
Frasier: What was that?
Martin: Frasier, the boys downtown have got their hands full with murders and robberies. They don't have time for this artsy-fartsy stuff.

Quote from Don't Go Breaking My Heart (Part 3)

Martin: When I got out of the hospital, I was terrified to take a risk. I didn't want to leave the house. Ducked for cover every time a car backfired.
Niles: I know my fears aren't rational. I know my heart is sound. I feel fine. But I felt fine before this happened. How do I know that the same thing isn't going to...
Martin: Well, you don't know. That's exactly what I came to realize. Life's a crap shoot. We could all go at any time. That's why we have to make the most of whatever time we've got. Like sand through the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives...
Niles: Okay, point taken.

Quote from Author, Author

[Martin is wearing headphones to listen to the TV]
Niles: Very clever solution.
Frasier: Yes. It also has another little feature that I like. Watch this. [to Martin] Hey, Dad! Nice shirt. Did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated?
Niles: Hey, Dad. Tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. We haven't heard that story this hour.
Frasier: Okay, okay, my turn. Hey, Dad? Remember-
Martin: Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane.

Quote from Out with Dad

Emily: Frasier, these pieces are wonderful. You've exquisite taste.
Martin: Oh, he gets that from me. Yes, it was worth all the hours I dragged him around to the museums and the antiques shops teaching him about art and, you know... upholstery.
Edward: Were you in the arts?
Martin: Oh, well, actually, Ed-
Frasier: Dad was a cop.
Edward: Really? The, er, uniform and everything?
Martin: Yeah. In fact, uh, that's what happened to my hip. I took a bullet trying to break up a robbery. Yeah, I called for back-up but it never showed up.
Emily: [sighs] Because you were gay.
Martin: [takes her hand] Don't think I didn't wonder about that!

Quote from Hungry Heart

Martin: Here, I'll give you a hand.
Daphne: Yeah, and no cracks, old man. I know I've gotten heavy and I've resolved to do something about it.
Martin: All right, on three. One, two, three! ... Maybe the super has a hand truck.
Daphne: Kill me!
Frasier: [entering] Good lord, what happened?
Niles: Daphne twisted her ankle and fell. Come help us lift her.
Martin: Okay, boys. Now be careful. Use your legs.
Daphne: Oh, bloody hell. I'm wearing two different shoes.
Martin: Daphne, I just thought of something funny. It took three Cranes to lift you!

Quote from Lilith Needs a Favor

Martin: Can you imagine? Lilith's and my kid would be brother to you and Niles and Freddie.
Frasier: What are you talking about?
Martin: And if you and Lilith got back together, you'd be his step-father and his brother and Niles would be your son and his own uncle. It's almost worth doing just so that I can tell the story.

Quote from Dinner at Eight

Martin: All right, that's it. I've had enough of you two jackasses. I've spent the whole night listening to you making cracks about the food and the health. Well, I've got news for you. People like this place. I like this place. And when you insult this restaurant, you insult me. You know, I used to think you took after your mother, liking the ballet and all that. But you mother liked a good ball game, too. She'd even have a hot dog once in a while. She may have had fancy taste, but she had too much class to make me or anyone else feel second-rate. If she saw the way you two behaved tonight, she'd be ashamed. I know I am.

Quote from Daphne Returns

Martin: Roz, you know, if you really want to do a kid's book, you ought to write one about Eddie. I'd buy one about Eddie.
Roz: Thanks, but I already have an idea. Besides, if I were gonna use a dog, I'd probably use about my own.
Martin: Well, you wanna make your dog happy, or do you wanna sell books? Now I was thinking, Eddie joins the circus and he has all this clown makeup on and everything and juggles and stuff. And then you could do one where he invents this flying machine and has all these wacky adventures.
Roz: That's kinda cute. He could join a flock of geese or he could become the world's first dog traffic reporter.
Martin: Eddie would never do that. You really don't get Eddie, do you?

Quote from Some Assembly Required

Niles: What is this? Has Frasier been attempting the laundry again?
Martin: No, that's Eddie's. It's for a safety talk Eddie and I are giving at Glenbrook Elementary.
Daphne: Sounds like fun.
Martin: Oh, yeah! We're replacing a talking parrot act. Officer Chirpy and Sergeant Bob. Dick Chirpy was one of the finest officers I ever served with. It's funny, you know, with a name like Chirpy, you'd think he'd be the parrot, but as I said before, he wasn't, he was the guy. The parrot being Bob.

Quote from Dinner at Eight

Frasier: Dad, Niles and I and, uh, Maris would like you to join us for dinner on Saturday night at Le Cigare Volant, one of the hottest new restaurants.
Martin: Oh, gee, I don't know.
Niles: Oh, oh. The food is to die for.
Martin: Niles, your country and your family are to die for. Food is to eat.

Quote from Travels with Martin

Frasier: So, how long do you figure it'll take us to get to Yellowstone?
Martin: Well, if we drive all night we'll be there tomorrow.
Frasier: Oh. It'll be a nice surprise for the two of them when they wake up in the morning.
Martin: Yeah. I've got a better surprise than that: let's tell Daphne we're in Mexico!

Quote from Bla-Z-Boy

Martin: Well, what's wrong with liking plain old coffee, the way God made it?
Frasier: Nothing. What is wrong is subjecting me to the same shop-worn bellyaching every time you come in here.
Martin: Well, excuse me for having an opinion you don't agree with. I thought this was America. Oh look, it is.

Quote from Give Him the Chair!

Frasier: Oh Dad, I don't know why you're carrying on this way. We are, after all, talking about a twenty-five year-old, broken-down chair. If you don't like this chair, I'll get you another one. Any chair you want.
Martin: Really? Okay, I'll tell you what chair I want. I want the chair I was sitting in when I watched Neil Armstrong take his first step on the moon. And when the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians in the '80 Olympics. I want the chair I was sitting in the night you called me to tell me I had a grandson. I want the chair I was in all those nights, when your mother used to wake me up with a kiss after I'd fallen asleep in front of the television. You know, I still fall asleep in it. And every once in a while, when I wake up, I still expect your mother to be there, ready to lead me off to bed. Oh, never mind. It's only a chair.