Daphne: I know you're upset, Mum, but it's not like you and Dad had a perfect marriage.
Gertrude: That's because there's no such thing. You young modern people think marriage is some sort of promenade through paradise, when it's more like a march through Hell with a man strapped to your back and a litter of nasty babies swinging from your teats!

Daphne: This is Donny.
Donny: Hi.
Gertrude: [to Donny] Well, come here, let's have a good look at you. [to Frasier] We were starting to think our Daphne would never find herself a young man. [looks at Donny] And I see she hasn't. But, beggars can't be choosers.

Frasier: Oh. Mrs. Moon, we'd like to get two double lattes to go, please.
Gertrude: For an extra dollar, I can add a nip of brandy.
Frasier: Is that on the menu?
Gertrude: [pulling a flask out of her apron] It's on the secret menu.

Gertrude: Your phone's ringing.
Roz: Oh, it's not mine, it's Frasier's. [looking at the phone] Ew! It's Julia.
Gertrude: Who's that?
Roz: This witch who's trying to get her hooks into Frasier. [shouting towards the phone] I hate her.
Gertrude: I'll fix her.
Roz: Wait, wait. What are you doing?
Gertrude: [waving Roz off, answering the phone in a refined, sultry voice] Hello. [pause] Oh, I'm sorry, Frasier's in no position to talk, if you, uh, get my meaning. Who's this, then? Hold on. [holding the phone out] Sweetheart? Do you want to talk to a Julia? [giggling] Oh, Frasier, put me down! [normal voice] Sorry, he's not here after all. Bye, now. [hangs up] There. Problem solved.
Roz: You know, you probably ruined their entire evening. [mimicking Gertrude's refined accent] How can I thank you?

Daphne: Where's Alice?
Roz: Oh, upset stomach. On the way home yesterday she snacked on the leftover petals in her basket. So, I'm sorry, but I won't be able to join you for dinner.
Niles: We understand.
Gertrude: Explain it to me then. What sort of child eats roses? 'Tisn't normal.
Roz: You could have stopped her you know.
Gertrude: Not the way she was noshing them up, I couldn't. Like a wood chipper, she was.
Roz: All right.
Gertrude: The incredible beaver baby.

Judge Anderson: If I may...
Frasier: I'll handle this, Your Honor. Mrs. Moon, you have my personal guarantee that this will not be a Godless union. For if you truly believe in the omniscience and omnipresence of the Lord, then surely are we not always in His presence?
Gertrude: No. He lives at the church.

Daphne: You know, maybe I'll give that a try. When Niles walks into that guest room tonight, I'll have a surprise waiting for him. Candles, soft music, a negligée... Nothing too sexy, we don't want to strain his heart.
Gertrude: Well, there's nothing wrong with your ego.

Niles: We're having a civil ceremony.
Gertrude: Without a minister? Out of the question.
Daphne: Mum!
Gertrude: That's enough, Daphne. I am your mother and I will not bear witness to a Godless union.
Martin: Gertrude, I was in favor of a church wedding, too. But this is their day, not ours. Maybe we should just let them decide how it's gonna be.
Gertrude: If people got to decide things for themselves, no one would go to church.

Julia: Excuse me. Can I get some service over here?
Gertrude: Keep your knickers on. [to Daphne & Niles] Don't move. We're not done hashing this through. [Gertrude walks behind the counter to serve Julia]
Gertrude: [singsong, in her refined accent from earlier:] Hello.
Julia: [suspiciously] Hello.
Gertrude: [singsong] Hello!
Julia: Say that again.
Gertrude: [singsong] Hello?
Julia: Now say, "Frasier's in no position to talk, if you get my meaning."
Gertrude: Now, that was all Roz's idea. I had no choice. I'm not a well woman.

Niles: Now, remember, when you arrive, a car will be waiting to take you to the Nani Emaka Hehila Ai House.
Gertrude: I don't know why we can't go somewhere where they speak English.
Daphne: They do speak English in Hawaii, Mum.
Martin: How come you can fly to Hawaii, but you can't fly to England?
Gertrude: How come you can drive your car, but you can't do your own laundry?
Martin: Have a good trip.