Frasier Crane Quotes Page 1 of 236
Quote from She's the Boss
Frasier: What the hell was that? Was that a gunshot?
Niles: Morning, Frasier. Just getting up?
Frasier: "Just getting up?" Are you out of your mind? A gun just went off in here!
Martin: Niles bought a starter's pistol.
Niles: And there's no need to get snippy. Accidents happen, you know.
Frasier: Oh, I'm sorry. Was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be gunplay in my living room!
Quote from Don Juan in Hell (Part 2)
Frasier: So that's it? All this work, just to find out that I have a fear of rejection?
Lilith: That's right.
Frasier: So I'm alone... because I'm afraid to be alone!
Quote from The Good Son
Niles: Of course, I can't take care of him.
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course. Of course. Why?
Niles: Because Dad doesn't get along with Maris.
Frasier: Who does?
Niles: I thought you liked my Maris.
Frasier: I do. I like her from a distance. You know, the way you like the sun. Maris is like the sun, except without the warmth.
Quote from Selling Out
Roger: "Well, I had a really good year, so I decided, hey, why not reward myself? So I bought what I really wanted, a 48ft cabin cruiser. Want to know how much it cost me? I'll tell you how much it cost me, 300 grand. Not to mention the $20,000 for the custom teak decking. Now, here's my problem: My wife wants to call this incredible vessel 'Lullubelle', after her mother. 'Lullubelle!' So, I say no, we call it 'The Intrepid'. So, what do you think it should be called, 'Lullubelle' or 'The Intrepid'?"
Frasier: Roger. At Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the "tunneling electron microscope." Now, this microscope is so powerful that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building block of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now, I still wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
Quote from Caught in the Act
Frasier: Dear God! Have we lost our minds?
Nanette: Frasier, do you know how bored I am being "Nanny Gee." How trapped I feel...
Frasier: You have a wonderful career.
Nanette: But nothing ever changes. Do you have any idea what it's like to play the same character for twenty years?
Quote from Murder Most Maris
Niles: Oh, well, I'm- I'm stunned of course. The idea that Maris actually killed someone.
Frasier: Well, we've all seen her murder many a lively dinner party.
Martin: That's terrible.
Frasier: Oh, come on, I'm joking. And haven't I earned the right to my gallows humor? After all, are you forgetting that just this afternoon I was punched in the face by a man now dead?
Quote from Frasier's Curse
Frasier: Just read it. Scott Alexander, what's he been up to?
Daphne: Wife, kids, has his own computer software business.
Frasier: Nancy Kearns.
Daphne: Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.
Frasier: Ah, a cure for cancer. Won't they be green with envy when I trump them all with this little story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning!
Quote from You Can Go Home Again
Frasier: Are you trying to get transferred?
Roz: Look, Dr. Crane, I got to be honest with you here. It's just that I-I think psychiatry is, just, sort of, kind of ... bull.
Frasier: Oh, well, this is a match made in heaven then, isn't it?!
Roz: Oh, don't be offended.
Frasier: "Don't be offended." Why should I be offended? In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career. The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show. Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!
Quote from She's the Boss
Martin: Look at him, he's humiliated!
[From the apartment above, a dog barks]
Daphne: Yeah, well, it doesn't help that that bully upstairs keeps rubbing it in.
[Eddie barks towards the ceiling]
Martin: You tell him, boy!
[Frasier emerges from his bedroom in his dressing gown]
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, I am trying to get some sleep. I asked you to keep that dog quiet, and instead you outfit him with a megaphone!
Quote from We Two Kings
Niles: Why do you have to make everything so difficult?
Frasier: Excuse me, Niles, but I’ve got news for you. Copernicus called, and you are not the center of the universe!
Quote from Goodnight, Seattle
Man: Here to pick up a chair.
Frasier: Right. It's right there.
Man: Sorry I'm late.
Frasier: It's all right.
Man: Been waiting long?
Frasier: Eleven years. Uh, be careful with it.
Quote from Shutout in Seattle
Frasier: Well, I just hope he hasn't done something foolish. Remember he was having brunch with Maris on Sunday.
Martin: Oh, that was just business.
Frasier: Well, you know, Dad, he is broken-hearted. People in his condition have a tendency to run back to their exes. A lonely man clinging to an available warm body. Well, of course in Maris's case, that's just an expression.
Quote from IQ
Frasier: Daphne, is that university library open all night?
Daphne: I think so, why do you ask?
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake. Do you think I'm going to let my little brother humiliate me tomorrow?
Martin: What are you talking about?
Frasier: Dad, he is smarter than I am. Niles will be sitting there rambling on to the geniuses about the cosmos, black holes, matter, antimatter, and I won't matter at all.
Quote from Odd Man Out
Martin: Hey, Fras, how was your dinner?
Frasier: Not since Quasimodo strolled the streets of medieval Paris have so many people uttered the phrase, "That poor man."
Quote from Space Quest
Martin: Now, sit down. Your breakfast is ready.
Frasier: No, Dad. Dad, look, all I ever have is a bran muffin and a touch of yogurt.
Martin: Girly food. Besides, I already fixed your breakfast. Now, I made you eggs in a nest.
Frasier: Ah, yes, the Crane family specialty. Fried eggs swimming in fat, served in a hollowed-out piece of white bread. I can almost hear my left ventricle slamming shut as I speak.
Martin: You want cheese on that?
Frasier: No. I'd like to leave some blood flow for the clot to go swiftly to my brain.