Niles: Well, that's it. It's over. It's over and I've lost. Maris has won. Maris always wins.
Martin: Niles.
Niles: Niles never wins! Niles always loses! That's why Niles lives at the Shangri-La and drives a hatchback!

Niles: Well, if it makes any difference, I've decided to tell Donny everything about Daphne.
Frasier: Really?
Niles: Yes. Then he can proceed however he sees fit.
Frasier: But, why, Niles?
Niles: Well, I started to wonder, maybe my feelings for Daphne did affect my marriage. Maybe on some intuitive level Maris knew all along. I can't be certain that that's not what drove her to Schenkman.
Frasier: Listen to me. The only reason that marriage lasted as long as it did was because of the effort that you put into it. From the moment that you slipped that ring onto her bony little finger and it slipped right off again!

Donny: Yes, I think we now have what's known in the legal profession as a bargaining chip.
Niles: Oh, are you kidding? She'd give anything to keep this quiet.
Donny: All right, let me go talk to Maris's lawyers.
Niles: No, no, no. There's some news you want to deliver yourself. [picks up the phone] May I?
Donny: Absolutely.
Niles: [on the phone] Hello, Marta, I'd like to speak to Maris. Oh, why not? Ah. [to Donny] She's in the final level of her guru serenity training, the week-long vow of silence, day six. [on the phone] No, no, Marta, that's all right. She doesn't have to come to the phone. Just give her this message. I've flushed out her family secret. Hel-looooo, Maris!

Martin: Well, look what you've done, I hope you're happy now.
Frasier: Well, do you really want to see me lying under oath?
Martin: Well, it's better than seeing your brother lying under a piano.

Niles: I don't believe this. All these years, the doyenne of Seattle's elite looking down her nose at everyone in sight, she owes it all to this. She's managed to have her urinal cake and eat it, too.

Frasier: Oh, here's one. "Can you recall a specific incident when Maris lost her temper or behaved in a way you'd characterize as volatile or unstable?"
[Frasier, Niles, Daphne and Martin take a moment before bursting out in laughter]

Donny: Well, why didn't you tell me that's where Maris's money came from?
Niles: It's never easy... Maris's money?
Donny: Yeah, I mean you told me that Maris's family money came from timber?
Niles: It did. It did come from timber.
Donny: Oh, that's what you really think.
Niles: Well, of course. It's true.
Donny: And that's what all of Maris's friends think, too? All those country club snobs who would kill for a good piece of dirt on someone?
Niles: Well, what are you talking about? If her family money didn't come from timber, where did it come from?
[Donny hands Niles a case file.]
Niles: Urinal cakes?

Frasier: And indeed, I had high hopes for Niles and Maris, as is witnessed by my wedding toast, in which I combined my heartfelt sentiments with apt quotations from Shakespeare, jazz great Louis Armstrong, and the poet Catullus.
Donny: And so your answer would be, "Yes, I attended their wedding." Once again, Frasier, could you try to keep your answers brief?
Frasier: Well, I—
Martin: Trust me, he did.

Niles: Maris is determined to prolong my suffering. She's asked to postpone our court date another eight months.
Frasier: Eight months?
Niles: Yes, last night I was in such a state I almost wished I had a piano to crawl under.
Roz: What?
Niles: Oh, uh, it's a habit I developed as a child to combat anxiety. There's something about the safe, dark, protective environment that seemed comforting to me.
Frasier: Yes, the week before his first Little League trial, he practically lived under there.
Roz: Well, we all did weird stuff when we were kids.
[Roz gives Frasier a pained look, to which Frasier mouths "I know"]

Roz: Oh, you know, I have the perfect person for you to call. My old boyfriend, Donny, he's a great lawyer!
Niles: No offense, Roz, but I highly doubt that your "Donny" is in the same league with Harrison and Reed.
Roz: Don't be so sure. I mean, he's smart, he's tough, he doesn't take "no" for an answer. Not that I ever tested that theory.