Previous Episode Next Episode 

34Quotes from ‘Frasier's Curse’

Frasier: Frasier's Curse

602. Frasier's Curse

Aired October 1, 1998

Frasier is convinced he is cursed when a school reunion comes around after he's just lost his job.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Just read it. Scott Alexander, what's he been up to?
Daphne: Wife, kids, has his own computer software business.
Frasier: Nancy Kearns.
Daphne: Mother of three, successful physician, has invented a drug that may aid in the treatment of cancer.
Frasier: Ah, a cure for cancer. Won't they be green with envy when I trump them all with this little story of my life: Frasier Crane, unattached, unemployed and living with his father. He spends his days scrubbing his oven and is anxiously awaiting his upcoming tooth cleaning!

Quote from Frasier

Niles: Frasier, are you all right?
Frasier: I was fine before you screamed. What the hell's wrong with you?
Niles: Well, Daphne said you were depressed and here you are with your head in the oven.
Frasier: I was cleaning it, Niles. It's electric. If I was going to end my life I'd choose something quicker than broiling.

Quote from Niles

Daphne: Am I glad you're home.
Martin: What's wrong?
Daphne: It's Dr. Crane. Ever since he came back from his job interview he's seemed awfully depressed. In fact, he's as bad as I've ever seen him.
Niles: Oh, I guess it didn't go well.
Daphne: I gather not. He mumbled something about it being worse than the Dresden premiere of Schumann's Second Symphony.
Niles: And you left him alone?! [running] Frasier!
Daphne: He's in the kitchen.
[finding Frasier with his head in the oven:]
Niles: Oh, my God!

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: My high-school reunion is tonight. You know my history.
Niles: Oh, not this folderol again.
Frasier: It's not folderol.
Niles: It's folderol.
Frasier: It is not folderol at all. For God's sake, Niles, every time my reunion comes around, it coincides with a severe downturn in my life. Five years ago, Lilith divorced me. Five years before that, I was left at the altar. Five years before that, I fell face first into the poison ivy. And here we are, right on schedule, I'm freshly fired.
Niles: I still don't know why you even went that poison ivy year.

Quote from Frasier

Roz: Well, maybe this time will be different.
Frasier: That's the mistake I always make. Thinking that this year will be different, that I can beat the curse. Well, that's what the curse does, it makes you think you can beat it but you can't. Sorry, Roz, I apologize, I'll make this up to you some day. But right now, I'm going to go down to the store and run a little errand for my friend Eddie. And tonight I'm coming back home and spending the evening with Daphne, doing some light housework and listening to my brand-new book-on-tape: "Depression, Anxiety and Death" as read by the author himself, Stanislav Monk.
Daphne: Now who's cursed?

Quote from Niles

[After Niles attempts to add sugar to his coffee, but the loose lid comes off. To a pair of teenage girls laughing:]
Niles: That was a very childish prank. Now you have ruined my coffee. If you can't behave like adults, you shouldn't be coming to a grown-up café.
Girl: It wasn't us!
[Two middle-aged men in suits start laughing at Niles].
Girl: Aren't you going to yell at them?
Niles: I'm sure they've already heard me yell at you.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Niles, thank you for agreeing to meet me on such short notice, I swear I am in a full-blown crisis.
Niles: If you are talking about that garish belt, I have emergency suspenders in my car.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: I swear to God, I feel like I have a curse on my head.
Niles: Frasier, you are a man of science. You know curses don't exist. There's a perfectly rational explanation for all of this. You tripped and fell into the poison ivy. Your radio station changed formats. Your wife didn't love you.
Frasier: If this is a pep talk, would you kindly segue way to the peppy part?

Quote from Niles

Niles: So stop doubting yourself. You deserve that job, so go out there and get it. In an hour's time it'll be yours, and after a short trip to the store to return that belt, you will thoroughly enjoy your reunion.
Frasier: Well, you're right, Niles. I should think positively. This interview is going to go just fine and so will this evening. All I have to do now is get a date. Where the hell am I going to find a woman who's so desperate for an evening out she'd agree to go to someone else's reunion?
Roz: [enters] Hello, Frasier.
Niles: See, your luck's changing already.

Quote from Martin

Martin: I'm never going to that grocery store across the street again. They gave me such a hard time just because I brought Eddie in.
Niles: Well, it's not exactly sanitary, Dad.
Martin: Oh yeah? Well, when they get rid of the guy with pinkeye who's handing out cheese samples, then they can talk to me about sanitary.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: No, I'm not going.
Martin: Why?
Frasier: Because I'm cursed. If I wasn't convinced before today's interview, I certainly am now.
Martin: But you haven't even heard anything. For all you know, you might have gotten it.
Frasier: Believe me, Dad. I have a better chance of being crowned "Miss Teen USA."

Quote from Roz

Frasier: Roz, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot to call and tell you that, well, we're not going.
Roz: Wait a second. I found a babysitter at the last minute. I got a new dress, I got Miguel to do my hair and just spent the last hour listening to the Estee Lauder lady describing her bladder operation just so I could get a free makeover. And now you're saying we're not going?

Quote from Niles

Niles: He thinks the Fates are conspiring to humiliate him at every reunion.
Martin: Oh come on, you don't really believe that, do you?
Frasier: All right, let's examine the evidence. Daphne, would you assist me, please? This is my school newsletter.
Daphne: "The Bryce Academy Crier".
Niles: Which, coincidentally, was Frasier's nickname his first year there.

Quote from Niles

Martin: Now, now, Frasier. Everyone has ups and downs. You know, for all we know that cure for cancer didn't pan out either.
Niles: One can only hope, Dad.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Percy Williams. Oh, wow, good to see you. I suppose you're on your way to the reunion.
Percy: Uh, yes. Yes, I am.
Frasier: I couldn't make it this year myself. A little too much on my plate, things have gotten crazy.
Percy: I see that. I heard you weren't on the radio.
Frasier: You did?
Percy: You know, my wife heads up a charity that helps get homeless people back on their feet.
Frasier: Yes, I know. The Boot Strap Foundation, it's very popular in my circle.
Percy: You should call. They could help you.
Frasier: Me? You thought- Oh, that's very funny. The shopping cart, the dog food. I'm afraid you're suffering from the wrong impression.
Percy: Dog food?
Frasier: Oh, it's not mine. It's my father's.
Percy: Call them, Frasier.
Frasier: No, really, you're mistaken. I'm not homeless. I live inthat luxury building right there. Number 1901.
Percy: Frasier, take this.
Frasier: I don't need it. I drive a BMW, I collect African art.
Percy: You always were a proud one.
Frasier: I am not proud.
Percy: Then take it! And for God's sakes, spend it on food.
Frasier: I just threw out a $200 belt!

Quote from Niles

Daphne: Hey, how was the police auction?
Martin: Oh, you didn't miss anything. Especially when it started raining.
Niles: I made out like a bandit. Those drug lords have the most incredible taste. Christofle silver, Limoges, Orrefors crystal. If I ever get married again, I'm going to register there.

Quote from Roz

Roz: Okay, I'm ready.
Frasier: Oh, Roz, you look beautiful.
Roz: Thank you.
Frasier: But we're not going.
Roz: What?
Frasier: Well, I'm sorry, Roz. It's got something to do with my personal growth. You see, I don't care about these people anymore and you know, I want them to know it.
Roz: Frasier, I hired a babysitter twice, I did my makeup twice, I performed a miracle of engineering by taping myself into this dress twice. Only to be stood up twice?
Frasier: Roz, technically you only did your hair once.
Roz: Shut up! You know, some day you're gonna need another favor from me, buddy, and when that day comes, I hope you know what you can do with it.
Frasier: I have a pretty good idea.
Roz: Well, do it twice.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: Well, that was something.
Niles: Please, you call that a tantrum? Maris used to do that once a week. The poor thing needed help slamming the door.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: The point is, in ten minutes I have an extremely important job interview. A job for which I am eminently qualified, but that now I have no chance of getting.
Niles: How can you know that?
Frasier: Because destiny won't allow it. Destiny's plan is for me towalk into that reunion this evening the way I always do, the class loser. Pitied and shunned by everyone until I wind up sitting with the most pathetic people there.
Niles: You mean... the chess club?
Frasier: Worse. The chess club's barbershop quartet.
Niles: Oh, the Checkmates.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Hello, excuse me, I'm looking for Stephen Rugly's office.
Mr. Rugly: Well, you've come to the right place.
Frasier: Oh, splendid. Is it possible for you to fetch me a coffee before my interview?
Mr. Rugly: Well, uj-
Frasier: Oh, better yet, make it a cup of Chamomile tea, a squirt of lemon and a full teaspoonful of honey.
Mr. Rugly: We'll try to get that for you as soon as my assistant gets back. I'm Stephen Rugly. President of KJMC.
Frasier: Oh, Lord, I'm- It's nice to meet you. I'm terribly sorry.

Quote from Frasier

Mr. Rugly: It's all right, Dr. Crane. It's a great suit, by the way.
Frasier: Thank you.
Mr. Rugly: Your-
Frasier: I know, it's a bit risky. People have been commenting on it all day. It makes a bold statement, but frankly I like it. I cut through the park on the way over here and it caught the eye of many a young lady. [looking down] Oh God, my fly! I thought you were talking about my belt.

Quote from Frasier

Mr. Rugly: I'm glad you could make it, Dr. Crane. I've enjoyed your work.
Frasier: Oh, that's very gracious of you, Mr. Ugly. Oh, dear, that didn't come out right, did it?
Mr. Rugly: What do you mean?
Frasier: The way I said your name right now, it sounded like I called you Mr. Ugly. I assure you it won't happen again. It's just a matter of separating the r's. Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug, Mr. Rug... [noticing the man's obvious toupee] Mr. Rugly.

Quote from Frasier

Mr. Rugly: Anyway, I think you might be a good fit here. We need to find a replacement for Dr. Wendy.
Frasier: Really?
Mr. Rugly: Yes, we didn't feel it was quite right to keep her on any longer.
Frasier: Well, let me say I applaud your judgement on that score. I mean, frankly, Dr. Wendy's saccharine style, it may be very popular, but you know, it's really not up to your standards, is it?
Mr. Rugly: Dr. Wendy's my mother. She's quite ill.
Assistant: Can I interrupt?
Frasier: Oh, please.

Quote from Frasier

Mr. Rugly: Is this the giraffe from my bookcase?
Frasier: Yes. Yes, it is. I'm sorry. I was admiring it. It broke apart in my hands. But you know, if your child is anything like mine, he'd be delighted to make you a new one.
Mr. Rugly: Actually, my father made it after his stroke.
Frasier: Well, I think you've got enough to go on. It was lovely meeting you. [extends his hand out, accidentally knocks a cup of coffee onto Mr. Rugly's lap] I'm sorry, you know, I'm going to have to rush if I'm gonna beat that tow-truck.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Didn't you bring home a case of dog food yesterday?
Martin: Yeah. It was the economy stuff, he wouldn't touch it, so I've got to take all of it back. This is his favorite kind.
Niles: Well, I guess what they say is true. Once you've tasted animal by-products you can't go back to the cheap stuff.

Quote from Niles

Niles: Hey, have you picked the restaurant for tonight?
Martin: Hey, I've got a better idea than that. My old precinct's having one of their seized property auctions down at the fairgrounds.
Niles: Oh, what's the better idea?
Martin: Come on, Niles, these drug dealers have some pretty nice stuff.
Niles: As much as I've been searching for a wide-brimmed purple velvet hat, it's really not my cup of tea.

Quote from Frasier

Martin: Sorry your interview didn't go well, Fras.
Frasier: Oh, it's alright, Dad. You know, things don't work out the way we'd like them to sometimes. Much like my strict, "No shopping trolleys in the apartment policy."

Quote from Frasier

Daphne: I bet if you just went in there with a sunny attitude, you'd have a good time.
Frasier: No, I tried sunny last time, you know where it got me? Table 97, singing "Goodbye my Coney Island Baby" with the Checkmates.

Quote from Frasier

Niles: I thought you were staying home?
Frasier: Yes, well, not any more. I ran into Percy Williams down at the grocery store. He mistook me for a street person. If I don't get down there and defend myself, he'll be passing around that rumor along with the Swedish meatballs.

Quote from Roz

Roz: You have no idea how big you owe me.
Frasier: Yes I do, Roz, and I will never ask you for another favor again. Except could you possibly do something with your hair? It seems to be leaning.
Roz: Frasier, when you called I was in the tub with a pint of Haagen-Dazs. Considering that was fifteen minutes ago I think I look pretty good.
Frasier: I appreciate it, Roz, I really do. It's just, Daphne, could you please help Roz getting finished?
Roz: I am finished.
Frasier: No, no, no, finish more. And remember what I told you.
Roz: Oh yeah, right: I'm a model-slash-doctor-slash-daughter of the Duke of Luxembourg.
Daphne: Yes, come along, Your Grace.

Quote from Frasier

Niles: Frasier, are you actually so desperate that you're trying to impress those people by having Roz pretend to be some sort of trophy girlfriend?
Frasier: Trophy duchess.

Quote from Niles

Frasier: I've got to get down there.
Niles: Why? In order to win the approval of a group of virtual strangers?
Frasier: I know it sounds foolish, Niles.
Niles: No, it's not foolish. It's human. I think it's all about the feelings of inferiority you've been carrying with you since high school. That's the real curse. Only, you're not the Bryce Crier anymore, you're a successful man. You have an opportunity for real growth here. Not by trying to impress these people, but by realizing that they don't matter anymore.

Quote from Frasier

Niles: Ooh, ooh, ooh. I just realized this is an even bigger opportunity for personal growth. Having a prestigious new job like this and not even going to that reunion to boast about it.
Frasier: It is a great opportunity, isn't it?
Niles: Have a good time.
Frasier: I will.

Quote from Daphne

Niles: Dad, I know you were trying to help, but don't you think that's a little risky? What if somebody at the reunion knows it's not true?
Martin: Oh, no, you worry too much. Who's gonna know? I mean most of these people are from out of town, they've probably never heard of KPOV!
Daphne: I knew it. When you said KPOV, I thought it sounded familiar. It's right here in Dr. Crane's newsletter. His classmate, Karl Degersdorff, was just made station manager. Won't that be nice for them. They'll be working together now.
Niles: Oh, my God.
Martin: Oh, come on, it'll be all right, don't worry about it. This Degersdorff probably won't even show. He just got a new job, he's probably real busy.
Niles: I guess you're right. We musn't assume the worst. I'm acting like Frasier, as if there really is a curse.
Daphne: Look here, he's also serving as this year's reunion coordinator.
[Thunder and lightning]

 Episode 601 Episode 603